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My best year ever was one of almost continuous summer thanks to employers who seemed anxious I should see places where they play cricket a lot. I spent January in England, February to April in India, April to September in England, September to the following August in Australia. Best year of my...

Not to mention every third bloke has a tashe that doesn't remotely suit them. It may be all in a good cause but it looks HIDEOUS. Especially if you have been up all night due to fireworks before walking to the station through the rain to catch your delayed train.

SAKE! I'm going to have to look at it now to check............... Edit - you're right. I love that Pulp Fiction soundtrack but not his description of it.

Cath Kidston bags everywhere Automatic train announcements Liquorice All Sorts Pickled Beetroot Nora Roberts novels Jacob's Creek (except the Rosé Shiraz) Rosé (except the Jacob's Creek Rosé Shiraz) Cheap chicken nuggets Renewing your car insurance Dogs in handbags Very long lists

Poland's defence Danny Welbeck's first touch Giving away a quarter of your ground to some PLUMBERS.

Autumn Colds Nick Jr

On a sausage related note: Amex hot dogs Beef sausages Anyone who puts ketchup instead of brown sauce on a sausage sandwich

Escape to the Country. In which two people with perfect faces for radio are shown round a dream property that they can't afford by a smug c***. If you're really lucky the couple will also be shown drinking wine and trying their hand at weaving or sheep worrying. All so another set of smug c***ts...

You need BALANCE. Generally this is why at weekends we have one family day where we do this sort of stuff but on the other day they tend to have to fit in with us. But since we are making a list of things that are a load of old sh*t can I just say Facebook without qualifying it further.

80s Soft Rock Drainpipes Motorway pile ups

I have never seen Anchorman. Nor Elf. Should I? *runs away sporting mischievous grin*

Describing anything as 'pan fried'. What the f*** else are you going to fry it in? A hub cap? A cat basket? A bed of polos?

Tripe Spiritual Healing Alcohol free lager

People who walk through railway stations diagonally with a wheely suitcase.

Acupuncture One Direction records Melanie Phillips' views, brain and hairstyle