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[Albion] Garth Crooks (made-up) Team of the Week 2023/24



Greg Bobkin

Silver Seagull
May 22, 2012
14,849
Compare and contrast with one of the 'BIG' teams (it could have been any one of about six):

Andy Robertson (Liverpool): It's been some time since Robertson made my team but I thought his overall contribution to Liverpool's victory at Wolves was well worth his selection.

The international break clearly had an impact on Liverpool's excellent league form, especially in the first half. Robertson's role as skipper for club and country seems to suit him, although I thought he might have done more to block Hwang Hee-chan's shot, which resulted in the hosts taking the lead.

Nevertheless, the Scotland international was instrumental in keeping Liverpool's run going with a well-taken goal. Liverpool are looking good, while their retention of Mohamed Salah is pivotal. All credit to Jurgen Klopp and the club. Few would have turned down such a lucrative offer from the Saudi Pro League.

His (not even a) non-apology to Luton and Rob Edwards was pretty pathetic, too. Unsurprisingly. I'm a LONG long way from the #DefundTheBBC crew, but when I see output such as Garth's, it does lead me to the conclusion that money could be better spent elsewhere. I know writing a column is not as easy as it looks, but AT LEAST stick to the player – or even team – that you've selected!
 




JBizzle

Well-known member
Apr 18, 2010
5,825
Seaford
He's a total tool. It's never a team of the week, it's just "name 11 players and say what you want". Pascal Gross, you say? Here's three paragraphs on Man United's failings, oh, and Gross was decent again
 


Mustafa II

Well-known member
Oct 14, 2022
1,241
Hove
What he should have wrote:

Having just earned his first caps for Germany, it has been a proud week for the ever reliable Pascal Gross, who just loves to score against United.

Industrious all over the pitch as ever, this was another superb performance from the German international, topped off by a cool finish following his role in a phenomenal 30 pass move by the fantastic Brighton & Hove Albion.

Gross was one of a number of Albion players I could have picked for the TOTW this weekend, a side that breezed past a mediocre Man Utd, ending their lengthy unbeaten home run, but Pascal stood out the most for me.
 


Mackenzie

Old Brightonian
Nov 7, 2003
33,545
East Wales
Are we simply being trolled by Garth? Seems like it to me.
 


gazingdown

Well-known member
Feb 26, 2011
1,055
What he should have wrote:

Having just earned his first caps for Germany, it has been a proud week for the ever reliable Pascal Gross, who just loves to score against United.

Industrious all over the pitch as ever, this was another superb performance from the German international, topped off by a cool finish following his role in a phenomenal 30 pass move by the fantastic Brighton & Hove Albion.

Gross was one of a number of Albion players I could have picked for the TOTW this weekend, a side that breezed past a mediocre Man Utd, ending their lengthy unbeaten home run, but Pascal stood out the most for me.

For all we know, he did write that (along with the published comments), however there will be an editor who probably goes "All well and good but no-one wants to hear about some (TeamsLike)Brighton players so we'll just show the bit about the "big" clubs.

That said, I don't know if that's the case (or if that's really is all he wrote) just giving Garth a (big) benefit of the doubt......
 




The Wizard

Well-known member
Jul 2, 2009
18,383
What he should have wrote:

Having just earned his first caps for Germany, it has been a proud week for the ever reliable Pascal Gross, who just loves to score against United.

Industrious all over the pitch as ever, this was another superb performance from the German international, topped off by a cool finish following his role in a phenomenal 30 pass move by the fantastic Brighton & Hove Albion.

Gross was one of a number of Albion players I could have picked for the TOTW this weekend, a side that breezed past a mediocre Man Utd, ending their lengthy unbeaten home run, but Pascal stood out the most for me.
He couldn’t say anything like that because he doesn’t actually watch games - you’d think someone who gets paid to write a column once a week that probably earns him more than most of us make in a year, would at least physically have to put the effort in to watch the games.
 


Bombardier

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Jul 22, 2004
797
Hove actually
He couldn’t say anything like that because he doesn’t actually watch games - you’d think someone who gets paid to write a column once a week that probably earns him more than most of us make in a year, would at least physically have to put the effort in to watch the games.
The man is just stealing a living.
 


ElectricNaz

Well-known member
Jan 23, 2013
839
Hampshire
He's a total tool. It's never a team of the week, it's just "name 11 players and say what you want". Pascal Gross, you say? Here's three paragraphs on Man United's failings, oh, and Gross was decent again
Name 10 players who scored at least one goal usually, and a keeper that saved a penalty or kept a clean sheet
 




Uter

Well-known member
Aug 5, 2008
1,474
The land of chocolate
You'd never guess we are the leading scorers in the division from his selections.

I suppose his selections do roughly correspond to the league table, apart from Chelsea and Man Utd.

1695030701522.png
 


SweatyMexican

Well-known member
Mar 31, 2013
4,101
So did Pascal Gross play well or was it poor Man Utd defending?
 


scwiffy

Active member
Jun 24, 2011
210
A classic of the genre:

Pascal Gross (Brighton & Hove Albion): I don't think I've seen defending by a Manchester United side like that for years. Victor Lindelof looked unrecognisable from the player I saw in last season's FA Cup semi-final and don't even get me started on Lisandro Martinez.

However, this was an impressive victory at Old Trafford by Brighton, who ran all over United in a similar way to how Wolves did earlier in the season - except they didn't get the result. Pascal Gross was the standout player and seems to have filled the gaps left by Alexis Mac Allister and Moises Caicedo with remarkable ease.

Any attempt to try to attach blame for United's poor recent performances on the Glazers' lack of ability to sell the club is utter nonsense. Whatever boardroom activities are taking place has nothing to do with a professional footballer once they cross the white line.

Inspired by Gross’ 35 pass goal, I’ve done the numbers on Garth’s “review” on Gross.

15 words about Brighton
20 words about Gross
105 words about Manchester United
 




Hugo Rune

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Feb 23, 2012
21,624
Brighton
I think Billy will make Garth’s 11. I’m going for something like this:

Brighton sneaked into the top 3 with a dominant display from young Billy Gilmour, but let’s remember that he was made and moulded at Chelsea.

It’s been a tough start for Pochettino’s star packed squad but they suffer from a lack of goals and experience and this was seen yet again as they failed to capitalise against an in form Villa.

The electric Sterling couldn’t quite lead the London giant to success this weekend but I’m backing them to rejoin the top six sooner rather than later as perhaps, the greatest collection of young talent in the division find their feet. Once they get Caicedo firing, the sale of Gilmour will be long forgotten.
 


WhingForPresident

.
NSC Patron
Feb 23, 2009
16,204
Marlborough
Thanks ChatGPT:

"Well, you see, Kaoru Mitoma had an exceptional game against Bournemouth, and I couldn't help but be impressed. I mean, he scored twice, right? That's like, double the goals of some other players. And isn't that what football is all about?

Plus, he's got this unique name, Kaoru Mitoma. It just rolls off the tongue, and it's so distinct. I can already picture his name on the back of a Manchester United jersey. It's like destiny or something. The marketing opportunities are endless!

And I heard he's really good with his left foot. Manchester United could use a left-footed player, you know, to balance things out. So, signing Mitoma just makes sense. I mean, I'm no expert, but it's clear as day to me that he's the perfect signing option for Manchester United. Trust me on this."
 


Papa Lazarou

Living in a De Zerbi wonderland
Jul 7, 2003
18,872
Worthing
I think Billy will make Garth’s 11. I’m going for something like this:

Brighton sneaked into the top 3 with a dominant display from young Billy Gilmour, but let’s remember that he was made and moulded at Chelsea.

It’s been a tough start for Pochettino’s star packed squad but they suffer from a lack of goals and experience and this was seen yet again as they failed to capitalise against an in form Villa.

The electric Sterling couldn’t quite lead the London giant to success this weekend but I’m backing them to rejoin the top six sooner rather than later as perhaps, the greatest collection of young talent in the division find their feet. Once they get Caicedo firing, the sale of Gilmour will be long forgotten.
Or go with Mitoma followed by a couple of paragraphs about how he would be perfect at Chelsea etc.
 




Sheebo

Well-known member
Jul 13, 2003
29,287
Lewis Dunk. He’s always been mentioned with the big clubs but never quite managed his move, which is disappointing all round. Maybe now it’s not too late. He got 8/10 and 9/10 in the England Scotland game the other day so has to make my team. He’d really help Manchester United at the moment. Or Chelsea with his calmness. His dog was called Frank Lampard or was it JT - either way it’s not too late for Chelsea to sign him in January given their lack of signings at the back.
 
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hart's shirt

Well-known member
Jul 8, 2003
10,191
Kitbag in Dubai
This week's selection come from the following clubs:

2: Man City, Man United, Newcastle, Spurs, Everton:
1: Aston Villa

I'm surprised Garth didn't choose 12 just to make it easier to remember.
That said, the Villa selection was in goal, so I guess his 'choose any 2 outfield players from 5 clubs will do' approach still worked.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/66907468
 


WhingForPresident

.
NSC Patron
Feb 23, 2009
16,204
Marlborough
This week's selection come from the following clubs:

2: Man City, Man United, Newcastle, Spurs, Everton:
1: Aston Villa

I'm surprised Garth didn't choose 12 just to make it easier to remember.
That said, the Villa selection was in goal, so I guess his 'choose any 2 outfield players from 5 clubs will do' approach still worked.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/66907468
Top justification for including Fernandes:

Bruno Fernandes (Manchester United): What a cracking finish by Fernandes. (This is the only actual reference to him or his performance).

I was keen to see how United might react after their Champions League defeat in midweek against Bayern Munich.

Admittedly they were playing Burnley, who are finding their time in the Premier League somewhat challenging, but this was about nerve and bottle for United as much as it was about performance. United stood up to the test and deserved the victory.

The tackle by Casemiro on Luca Koleosho, who showed some fabulous footwork as he entered the box with the ball at his feet, was sensational. All credit to referee Tony Harrington who was quite right to wave away any appeals.
 


hart's shirt

Well-known member
Jul 8, 2003
10,191
Kitbag in Dubai
Top justification for including Fernandes:

Bruno Fernandes (Manchester United): What a cracking finish by Fernandes. (This is the only actual reference to him or his performance).

I was keen to see how United might react after their Champions League defeat in midweek against Bayern Munich.

Admittedly they were playing Burnley, who are finding their time in the Premier League somewhat challenging, but this was about nerve and bottle for United as much as it was about performance. United stood up to the test and deserved the victory.

The tackle by Casemiro on Luca Koleosho, who showed some fabulous footwork as he entered the box with the ball at his feet, was sensational. All credit to referee Tony Harrington who was quite right to wave away any appeals.
6 words out of 107. I wonder if that's Garth's record or if he's gone any lower.

Which would be admittedly difficult purely on description and sentence construction, but I wouldn't put it past him.
 




JamesAndTheGiantHead

Well-known member
Sep 2, 2011
6,270
Worthing
I think the poor bloke actually just wants to write match reports rather than talk about player performances, but the BBC won’t let him.

He’s found a loophole though where he can spaff out a paragraph or two out about the game in the most generic terms.
 


Harry Wilson's tackle

Harry Wilson's Tackle
NSC Patron
Oct 8, 2003
50,117
Faversham
Lewis Dunk. He’s always been mentioned with the big clubs but never quite managed his mine which is disappointing all round. Maybe now it’s not too late. He got 8/10 and 9/10 in the England Scotland game the other day so has to make my team. He’d really help Manchester United at the moment. Or Chelsea with his calmness. His dog was called Frank Lampard or was it JT - either way it’s not too late for Chelsea to sign him in January given their lack of signings at the back.
Christ. Did you say all that? I thought you were reporting what Garth Crooks had said till I saw the lack of "quotes" :facepalm:
 


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