Jokes?

[Lindfield by the Pond]

Two parrots sitting on a perch.

One says to the other - can you smell fish?

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Today, my boss told me to lighten the f*ck up.

Fair enough. I'm an electrician on a porn set.

 

[Stoo82]

When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they? - Bob Monkhouse

For me, this is the best joke ever.

 

[Soulman]

What’s the height of optimism?

England batsman putting on sunscreen.

 

[dennis]

For my community service I had to drive a blind football team to a match. They play with a ball that has a bell in it. On the way back I stopped at a pub and said shall we have kick about in the car park. Unfortunately before I could get the ball out of the mini bus they kicked the shit out of the morris dancers

 

[Russconha]

Did you hear about the cross eyed Rabbi?

He got the sack.

 

[TomandJerry]

Doctor Doctor I got 59 seconds left to live.

Alright, just give me a minute.

 

[Weststander]

A Brighton fan walks past a shop and sees the video "Brighton - The Glory Years". He goes into the shop and asks how much. "£100" says the shopkeeper. "That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear??" "Well it's a tenner for the video and £90 for the Betamax recorder!!

2 men are fishing, miles away from any TV, mobile signal or radio, and one says to other "Crystal Palace have lost yet again".
His mate isn't surprised in the least, but asked "How the hell do you know that?"
The first man replies "Because it's 5 o'clock".

 

[Lawro's Lip]

A man walks into a pub with his dog just as the football results are appearing on the tv. Brighton 3 Palace 0 reads the announcer.
'Oh no',says the dog.
'That's incredible' shouts the landlord, 'your dog just said 'Oh no'.
'Yes' replies the man 'he always says that when Palace loose'.
'Amazing' says the landlord 'What does he do when Palace win?'
'Don't know' replies the man 'I've only had him eighteen months'.

 

[drew]

What’s the height of optimism?

England batsman putting on sunscreen.

This doesn't make sense as they would need sunscreen when fielding!!!

 

[Soulman]

This doesn't make sense as they would need sunscreen when fielding!!!

Oh dear.......

 

[skipper734]

Did you hear about the hypochondriac who went to a champagne party?

I'm sorry LB it's not the same low standard as the other offerings, you'll have to explain it.

 

[Norman Potting]

I'm sorry LB it's not the same low standard as the other offerings, you'll have to explain it.

I had to think about it for a while - Sham - Pain.

 

[FamilyGuy]

What do you call a Reindeer with no eyes?

No Idea


What do you call a Reindeer with no eyes or legs?

Still no Idea

What do u call a Reindeer with no eyes, no legs and no penis?

Still no feckin idea .....

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

I phoned the secretary of the local Ramblers association to find out about their walks and she went on, and on, and on ...........

 

[Shropshire Seagull]

Man went to the doctors.
"What seems to be the trouble?" the doctor asks
"I have a strawberry stuck up my bum" replies the embarrassed patient.
"Ooh, no worries, I have some cream for that!" replied the doctor, rather cheekily.

 

[skipper734]

I had to think about it for a while - Sham - Pain.

But hypochondriacs don't have sham pains. They think themselves into having real illnesses.

 

[catfish]

Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a 5p? It hit him on the back of the head.

 

[vegster]

Did you hear about the Scotsman who dropped a 5p? It hit him on the back of the head.

As an aside did you know that copper wire was invented by two Scots ? They were fighting over a penny at the time.

 

[fat old seagull]

What’s the height of optimism?

England batsman putting on sunscreen.

......
...and carrying a bat.