Jokes?

[Lankyseagull]

I bought my wife a Manchester United bra the other day.

She hates it - the support is crap and soon the t*ts will be out of both cups!

 

[DanielT]

My brother's only got one arm and one leg. He's my half-brother

 

[tinycowboy]

I said to a Scotsman 'Did you have terrible spots as a kid?' He said 'ac ne'

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

Existentialist jokes now, eh?

 

[DavidinSouthampton]

First Cow: Aren't you worried about this mad Cow Disease?
Second Cow: Doesn't bother me, I'm a helicopter.

 

[Dick Head]

A man goes to the dentist -

Man: I think I'm a moth
Dentist: I think you need the doctor, he's next door
Man: I know but his light wasn't on and yours was

 

[The Large One]

How much does a Cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

 

[countryman]

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter then the other?

Eileen.

 

[Dick Head]

Little cannibal: I don't like my auntie
Mother cannibal: Well, leave her on the side of your plate

 

[larus]

What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?

One's got hydraulics.

 

[Dick Head]

When I said I was going to become a comedian, they all laughed. Well, they're not laughing now, are they? - Bob Monkhouse

 

[larus]

Why have Elephants got big ears?

Beaause Noddy won't pay the ransom.

 

[larus]

2 Jews walking down the road and a gorgeous girl walks past. One says to his mate "Cor, I could lend her one".

 

[Psychobilly freakout]

Whats white and lives in the australian bush ?

Skippy the bush kangafridge.

 

[Curious Orange]

First Snowman says to the second Snowman, "Do you smell carrots?"


Q: How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just report that it is dark.

 

[Hastings woody]

My dog's got no nose.

How does he smell other dogs ring pieces.?

 

[symyjym]

I was with my mate who looks after a carrot farm and whilst random checking the crop, he pulled one out of the ground only to find it was round in shape and was coloured white and pink.

He took a few moments to check it out and then turned to me and said well that’s a turnip for the books.

 

[ExmouthExile]

Two flies sitting on a piece of dogs shit: One fly farts and the other one turns round and says "Do you mind .... I'm eating!"

 

[Norman Potting]

A Hollywood producer is casting a film about great composers. Tom Hanks is offered the Verdi character and Bruce Willis accepts the offer to play Puccini. When Arnold Swarzenegger gets a call, without hesitation he says, 'I'll be Bach...'

My brother got put in jail for something he didn't do - he didn't run away from the policeman quickly enough.

 

[Lindfield by the Pond]

What do you call a Reindeer with no eyes?

No Idea


What do you call a Reindeer with no eyes or legs?

Still no Idea