Jokes?

[Goldstone1976]

Emboldened by the somewhat unexpected positive responses to my efforts on this thread (my g/f hates my jokes), I'll have another go:

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
A backward poet writes inverse.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

Doctor doctor I cant stop wearing clingfilm underpants.
Well I can clearly see your nuts.

 

[Bold Seagull]

Did you hear about the guy who invented the rear view mirror?



He's never looked back since.

 

[Gazwag]

Two cats in a swimming race one english and other french both were called 1,2,3,4,5 - which one won




The English Cat because Un Deux Trois Quatre Cinq

 

[Kumquat]

My favourite cracker joke was:

What's black and white and noisy?


A zebra with a set of drums.

 

[The Large One]

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

 

[The Wookiee]

I was at the cash machine today and an old lady asked me to help check her balance...... So I pushed her over

 

[Kumquat]

What's not heavy and blue?

Light blue.

 

[Kumquat]

Do you reckon when Rolf Harris dies he'll draw his last breath?

 

[The Tactician]

I quit my job working in a helium balloon factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

2 monkeys in a bath
the first one yells " Ooo, ooo, ooo, Arrr, arrr, arr, eee, eee, eee"
and the 2nd says "if it's that bloody hot, put some more cold water in!"

 

[Ludensian Gull]

Two women sitting together quietly minding their own buisness ...

 

[Jack Straw]

I saw a man wearing frogs on his feet.
I asked him "What type of shoes are they?"
He replied "Open toad sandals."

(Thanks Beary).

 

[DanielT]

How to tell when your cat is fully charged...

 

[Bold Seagull]

I've got a job helping a one-armed typist type capital letters. It's only shift work.

 

[Soulman]

My wife left a note for me on the fridge 'It's not working i'm leaving'

I opened the fridge, took out a beer, had a swig, and thought....... she's mad there's nothing wrong with it.

 

[Soulman]

For Sale.

Golden Retriever 9mths old, has yet to retrieve any gold, will swap for a metal detector.

 

[TomandJerry]

Man walks into a bar.

Ouch.

 

[Soulman]

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got 1 arm bless him. I shouted "Where you off to Charlie?" He said "I'm going to change a light bulb." I pissed myself laughing and said that's gonna be a bit awkward ain't it? "Not really" he said, "I've still got the receipt, you sarcastic git" !!!..

 

[Bold Seagull]

My wife said to me, "What the hell are you doing with a 9 foot long book?"

I said, "It's a long story...."