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[ben andrews' girlfriend]

Code for Love

There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.''
One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.

One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

Female Rejection Lines

10. I think of you as a brother. Translation: You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.'
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: I don't want to do my dad.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.

7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.

6. I've got a boyfriend. Translation: I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.

5. I don't date men where I work. Translation: I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.

4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: It's you.

3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.

2. I'm celibate. Translation: I've sworn off only the men like you.

1. Let's be friends. Translation: I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.

Top 10 Male Rejection Lines (Translated!)

10. I think of you as a sister. Translation: You're ugly.

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. Translation: You're ugly.

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. Translation: You're ugly.

7. My life is too complicated right now. Translation: You're ugly.

6. I've got a girlfriend. Translation: You're ugly.

5. I don't date women where I work. Translation: You're ugly.

4. It's not you, it's me. Translation: You're ugly.

3. I'm concentrating on my career. Translation: You're ugly.

2. I'm celibate. Translation: You're ugly.

1. Let's be friends. Translation: You're sinfully ugly.

 

[The Large One]

Bloke walks into a butcher's, and sees some beef fillets on the top of a very tall shelf. The butcher notices the bloke seeing them and says "I bet you can't reach them".

The bloke says, "I'm not going to bet on this".

The butcher says "Go on, I bet you can't reach them."

Again the bloke replies, "No, I've said I'm not betting on this."

The butcher asks "why not?"

The bloke says "the steaks are too high".

 

[The Large One]

The world's most indecisive man was born yesterday. He was 47.

 

[Yorkie]

Yes TLO

I was reading the Tommy Cooper website as well

 

[Ezekiel Rowe]

A man with a steering wheel tucked into the front of his trousers goes to see his doctor.

'What's that stering wheel doing in your trousers?' asks the doctor.

'That's why I came to see you' the man replies 'it's driving me nuts'.



Coat surgically attached to skin already.

 

[The Large One]

Yes TLO

I was reading the Tommy Cooper website as well

Um, I haven't been reading it. The second one was from the Two Ronnies - not Tommy Cooper. The first one was from Tim Vine about 10 years ago. Clearly, he nicked TC's jokes then.

 

[Lush]

Um, I haven't been reading it. The second one was from the Two Ronnies - not Tommy Cooper. The first one was from Tim Vine about 10 years ago. Clearly, he nicked TC's jokes then.

Oh yes you have! Oh no I haven't!

 

[rool]

A lorry has crashed on the M25 shedding it's load of hair brushes.

Police are combing the area

 

[Wilts]

Seal walks into a club....

 

[BRIGHT ON Q]

A thief stole all the toilets from the local police station. Officers said they had absolutely nothing to go on.


Sorry..........

 

[seagull over sevenoaks]

Leon Knight is out drinking and sees a attractive girl at the bar, heads straight over and goes "hi darling, fancy a f***?"

"wow" goes the girl, "you're a little forward"

 

[Eddie the Seagull]

Why is a dog better than a woman?

A dog's parents will never visit you.

A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.

A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.

A dog never expects you to telephone.

A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.

A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.

A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.

A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.

The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.

A dog does not shop.

*awaits flaming*

 

[seagull over sevenoaks]

Kevin Phillips and Tierry Henry are in the red light district in Amsterdam, Kevin sees the girl he likes and asks "how much for a little f***?"
"50 euros " is the reply

"and how much for a superstar?" asks Henry..

 

[seagull over sevenoaks]

two arieals got married. Ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant..

 

[seagull over sevenoaks]

bloke goes up to this guy in a car and says "can I have a lift mate?"

"sure" says the guy,
"you look great, the world's your oyster, just go for it"

 

[ben andrews' girlfriend]

Kevin Phillips and Tierry Henry are in the red light district in Amsterdam, Kevin sees the girl he likes and asks "how much for a little f***?"
"50 euros " is the reply

"and how much for a superstar?" asks Henry..

 

[mindyjaja]

There was a fancy dress party where the theme was behaviour, a scotchman turned up stark naked with his knob in a wellington, when asked what he had come as he replied........wait for it....... .I am f***ing aboot !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[DAVEYBOY]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the plain when the indian gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground.
"Buffalo come" he says
"How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger
"Face all sticky"

 

[Archieleggatt]

What do you call a woman with one leg?

Eileen

What do you call a woman with two legs?

Noleen.

Any more ??