Thread of offensive jokes you have been warned!!

[Garage_Doors]

Dad says to his son, its going to be a nightmare this christmas with the amount of people coming to visit.
"Tell me something i don't know" the boy says.
Your mums arse can take two fists, he replied

 

[Superphil]

A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and asks the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?"


I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed off when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

 

[Fawkesy]

Programme_Seller, quality!

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Oh go on then, just this one.
Don't get yourself in trouble though!

I'll let somebody else do the honours

 

[Fawkesy]

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed off when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.[/QUOTE]

think i heard than on frankie boyle or something?

 

[Buck]

Something to offend almost everyone

Tesco installed a medical machine that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When Jim went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, Jim wondered if he could fool the machine. He mixed tapwater with dog poo, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pleasured himself into the mixture. When he tipped it into the machine the next day, the printout read: 1. Your tapwater is too hard. Use softener. 2.Yourr dog has ringworm. Give it antibiotics. 3.Yourr daughter is on cocaine. Get her to rehab. 4.Your wife is expecting twins. Not yours. Get a lawyer. 5.If youu keep playing with yourself, your fuckin elbow wont get better! Thank you for shopping at Tesco.


My teenage son told me that he had sex with the neighbour's daughter last night for the first time. "Well done, son," I said, "I hope you used something though?"
He replied, "Yeah, a balaclava!"


I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"


A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breastfeeding her baby. The baby won't take it so she says, "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here." Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again, "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here."
The bloke says, "Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up, I should've got off four stops ago!"



Your Favourite PUB
*
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
*
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two." "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!" The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. “Did this actually happen to you?" "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”



Paddy sez 2 mick ,can u guess the odd one out mick ?

a. egg
b. wife
c. blowjob

Mick says thats easy the answer is blowjob, paddy asks, how do u work tat out mick ? mick replies, you can beat an egg, you can beat your wife but you can't beat a fuckin blowjob.



Murphy & mary decide to try a 69. Murphy's never done one so Mary says she'll show him. She tells him 2 lie on the floor &squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologising she tries again but farts again. Murphy jumps up & storms out yelling, "I'm f***ed if I'm hanging around for another 67 of them!".



Scoring a goal in a football match via a deflection is like f***ing a girl in a wheelchair. Your not proud of it but it still counts



I still remember play time at school, a bit of footy,sneakin a quick cigarette &tryin 2 finger girls behind the bike sheds...
I fuckin loved that caretakers job



A bloke rings work up & says 2 his boss "i cant come in today i'm sick" his boss says "how sick?" he replies "i'm in bed with my sister"

 

[Cantona's Flying Dropkick]

If someone is into flagalation, necrophilia and beastiality. Does that mean they're flogging a dead horse?

 

[Grapes of Wrath]

A woman successfully gives birth after several hours of labor. The doctor takes the baby and leaves the room to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly begins to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against an adjacent wall. The woman screams, "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY BABY?!" To which the doctor replies, "April Fool's! It was already dead!"

 

[Curryisgreat]

What has one ball and fucks women?

Peter Sutcliffe's hammer.

 

[Hunting 784561]

What is 12" long and makes a woman moan all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

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What's black and blue and hates sex?

The ten year old locked in the boot.

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Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.

"I'm scared," moaned the boy.

"You're scared!" she replied. "I have to walk back alone "

 

[Sam Ovett]

What's the best thing about twenty four year olds?

There are twenty of them :3

 

[Guy Fawkes]

It's my 39th birthday today.

Just one more year until I have an 80% chance of killing kids when I hit them.

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I manage to bring a different girl home every weekend.

It's getting quite crowded in my basement.

 

[Sam Ovett]

How do you get a baby down from a tree?

Cut the rope

-----------------------------------------------

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail its other hand to the floor...

 

[Hunting 784561]

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong.

He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.

"What a coincidence!" exclamimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me for the same reason."

The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest.

The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom.

After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky ? "

"I am," he replied. "I just f***ed your cat and just took a shit in your handbag. I'm off home now."

 

[fire&skill]

Three blokes go for a job interview. Each one goes ok but at the end the man down the end of the panel who has been taking copious notes asks the same question:

'Which hand do you masturbate with?'

The first man says 'Er . . . my right?'

The man replies 'And what are you doing with your left hand'

'Er . . . um . . . holding a dirty magazine?'

'Thank you. Next.'

The next man comes in and goes through the same process with the same final question: 'Which hand do you masturbate with?'

'The left hand, I think' he replies

'And the other hand?'

Embarrassed he answers quietly 'Holding the DVD remote probably'.

Finally - last man - same questions. This chap answers confidently that he uses his right hand to masturbate and that he holds a sponge in his left.

'A sponge?' asks the Interviewer. 'Why a sponge?'

'Well - I'm usually bathing the kids'

 

[Bring back Bryan wade!!]

What's Elisabeth Fritzl's favourite sandwich filling?













Daddies Sauce

 

[pottert]

whats the difference between jam & marmalade? you cant marmalade your cock up your wifes arse

 

[Dave the OAP]

A bloke rings work up & says 2 his boss "i cant come in today i'm sick" his boss says "how sick?" he replies "i'm in bed with my sister"

Is the winner!!!

 

[kevtherev]

I am not easily offended, far from it. Love a bit of smut and sex jokes. Can laugh at myself and at others. Dont mind anything with an adult theme. But quite frankly people who find, the death of children and child sex abuse something to laugh about are sick fucks. I hope and pray that none of lifes evils beset you. This thread in places has grossly overstepped the mark and people who find this sort of joke funny, need to take a good long look in the mirror.

 

[Aldo]

Me and my family were all enjoying our lovely Christmas dinner, then suddenly my Uncle shouted "SHIT". We were all in shock and asked him what the problem was. He said "If we are all here, who the fucks looking after Madeline?"