salty seagull
New member
This, I`d like to smack that sick twat frankie Boyle
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Thread of offensive jokes you have been warned!!
- Thread starter Jonno
- Start date
This, I`d like to smack that sick twat frankie Boyle
Indurain's Lungs
Legend of Garry Nelson
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."
(stolen from the link above!)
(stolen from the link above!)
Iamapen15
New member
Never confuse laxatives with Viagra. It makes you crap in bed!
I met a propper fit bird outside the back of a club one night. Propper stunner, just there in the alley. Anyway, i took her home, get her comfortable and we ended up having really amazing sex. The best i've ever had. Seriously, at one point you could have sworn she was alive!
I can't help it! You shouldn't laugh... 
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
Bought my epileptic mate a strobe light as a late Christmas present, he going to have a fit when he see’s it.
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
With hindsight I should have posted my facebook status as;
"I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford"
rather than
"I've just f***ed a 13 year old escort".
Still, I don't get out enough and a few hours at the police station made a change....
"I have blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford"
rather than
"I've just f***ed a 13 year old escort".
Still, I don't get out enough and a few hours at the police station made a change....
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
A prostitute offered me a shag for only 10 quid 'cos she hadn't a womb. I said "How can we do it then?" She replied " Acwoss the woad, against the wailings..."
My missus had Xmas tattooed on one side of her fanny and NY on the other side. "Why have you done that?" I asked. "Well," she replied "You always moan that their is nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year."
The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the cold snap. Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour, has loads of it piled up on her doorstep....
Woman goes into a record shop on Christmas Eve and asks for Jingle Bells on 7 inch. The young lad behind the counter says "No, we don't have that but I have dangly balls on a 9 inch!" Woman says "That's not a record is it?" Young lad replies "Well, it's not f***ing bad for a 16 year-old."
What do food blenders and women have in common? Both are ok to put your fingers in as long as they ain't on!
Was invited to an orgy with the cast of Baywatch the other night but sadly none of the women turned up. So I f***ed hoff.....
My house was broken into last night and out of my xmas pressies the bastards took my new dictionary and scrabble board. I tell you, I'm lost for words....
Walked into the bedroom when my wife was asleep to find her with a pen in her fanny and completed crossword in her hand. I thought 'You clever twat...'
I was shagging a bird over the kitchen table when we heard the front door opening. "That's my husband" she said. "Quick, try the back door." I know I should have left before he caught us but there was no way I was gonna miss an opportunity like that...
Why are uncles like curries? One bad one and your arsehole can hurt for days.
Woman goes to the Doctor's with a green rash on her inner thighs. The Doctor looks, smirks and says "Are you a lesbian?" The woman says "Yes, I'm in a relationship with another woman, why?" The Doctor replies "Well, tell your girlfriend her earrings aren't real gold."
My missus had Xmas tattooed on one side of her fanny and NY on the other side. "Why have you done that?" I asked. "Well," she replied "You always moan that their is nothing to eat between Christmas and New Year."
The Co-Op ran out of milk again because of the cold snap. Thankfully Doreen, my elderly neighbour, has loads of it piled up on her doorstep....
Woman goes into a record shop on Christmas Eve and asks for Jingle Bells on 7 inch. The young lad behind the counter says "No, we don't have that but I have dangly balls on a 9 inch!" Woman says "That's not a record is it?" Young lad replies "Well, it's not f***ing bad for a 16 year-old."
What do food blenders and women have in common? Both are ok to put your fingers in as long as they ain't on!
Was invited to an orgy with the cast of Baywatch the other night but sadly none of the women turned up. So I f***ed hoff.....
My house was broken into last night and out of my xmas pressies the bastards took my new dictionary and scrabble board. I tell you, I'm lost for words....
Walked into the bedroom when my wife was asleep to find her with a pen in her fanny and completed crossword in her hand. I thought 'You clever twat...'
I was shagging a bird over the kitchen table when we heard the front door opening. "That's my husband" she said. "Quick, try the back door." I know I should have left before he caught us but there was no way I was gonna miss an opportunity like that...
Why are uncles like curries? One bad one and your arsehole can hurt for days.
Woman goes to the Doctor's with a green rash on her inner thighs. The Doctor looks, smirks and says "Are you a lesbian?" The woman says "Yes, I'm in a relationship with another woman, why?" The Doctor replies "Well, tell your girlfriend her earrings aren't real gold."
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
The wife promised me anal sex for getting our Xmas decorations done. So I bent her over, slipped it in and did the business. She then said "Can we get the tree up now?" I replied "I struggled to get my cock in but I'll give it a go."
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
Wife left me last night after catching me measuring the length of my cock..............
It just reaches the back of her sisters throat.
It just reaches the back of her sisters throat.
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
My pal loves his job as an impressionist. Apparently his blind step-daughter has sucked off Johnny Depp, Russell Brand and David Beckham in the last week alone.
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
The wife has been missing a week now and the police have told me to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Garage_Doors
Originally the Swankers
Woman gets home from working a night shift a decides to wake her husband by giving him oral sex. She climbs under the divet gently, after finishing him off she enters the bathroom to clean up he finds her husband in there having a shave. "What the f*** are you doing in here" she yells. "Sshhh" he replies "You'll wake your dad!"
User removed 4
New member
This, the same tossers who tell, and laugh at madeleine mcann jokes will be throwing their hand up in self righteous horror at a so called "racist" joke.
- Thread starter
- #56
The reverse of this probably also applies to be fair.
User removed 4
New member
Yes, no doubt it does, depends on whether you think laughing at a murdered or sexually assaulted child is not as bad as "racism"
- Thread starter
- #58
No, of course not. I suspect very few people on here actually find those jokes funny. An obscene joke does not have to be hurtful or upsetting.
sydney
tinky ****in winky
sorry but i was pissing myself til i got to this page ........oh well....:shrugs in disbelief:
Johnny Crumplin Football
New member
A nonce pulls up next to a primary school and opens his car door and says ''hey, little boy if I give you a sweet will you come in my car?''
The little boy replies, ''give us the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth''
The little boy replies, ''give us the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth''