My wife’s COOKING is making me a LAUGHING STOCK on our street....

[Chesney Christ]

Should I divorce her?

I wanted to bring this to the attention of the NSC masses as I am getting very ANGRY about my wife’s complete and utter LACK OF AMBITION when it comes to cooking.

Around 2 and a half years ago, I got sick of my ex-wife’s DREADFUL cooking and divorced her. If you think thats harsh, bear in mind that year upon year upon year she produced some of the worst food on our street. I used to dread mealtimes, and she quite literally “stank the place out”. I got food poisoning 19 times.

So I divorced her and got a new wife. My new wife was amazing. Within her first full year as my wife she consistently produced the best food on the street by a country mile... week in week out. This despite the fact that I gave her a budget to work from that was not as high as several of the other wives on the street.

But things have changed. After her brilliant first year, I moved us to a new street where the standard of cooking was much higher. She started off very well, but soon the fact that she was operating on a lower budget than the majority of other wives on the street had an effect. Some of them were spending triple what she was on ingredients and as a result producing better meals.

She was producing some very good meals, granted, but she was inconsistent. At the end of our first year on this street, she has been above average overall.

Pretty impressive given the budgetary restrictions, yeah?

WRONG. Her inconsistent cooking and lack of CLEAR SUCCESS does not fit at all with my PERMANENT SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT and obsession with INSTANT GRATIFICATION.

Quite frankly, I have a DIVINE RIGHT to be served the best meals in the street. Why? Because I said so, thats why.

So, I think I should divorce her and get a new wife. What do you think?

 

[Capricorn]

I only read the title of the thread and then the question... But yes... It's a f***ing disgrace.

 

[CHAPPERS]

But you're not married mate.

 

[Chesney Christ]

But you're not married mate.

Shut it, MAXWELL.

 

[strings]

Brilliant post

 

[Mackenzie]

McDonalds.

 

[Chesney Christ]

I only read the title of the thread and then the question... But yes... It's a f***ing disgrace.

Appreciate your support.

 

[Aadam]

But if more people are eating her food than others on the street, then it should be better. And the fact more people are going to eat it next year means you need a new wife. Especially if those picky Europeans want a taste too... [/sarcasm]

 

[Gazwag]

Isn't her standard much better than the Nigel family just up the road though, even after selling them your best spatula, so keep her on for another year I reckon, especially if you give her enough to buy a few new implements

 

[Durlston]

We need pics, Chesney Christ.

I would forgive her if she was FILTHY in bed but insist on getting a takeaway every night.

 

[Acker79]

Wait, is this one of those there metaphors, that the person writing think is really clever and original, but doesn't actually stand up to any sort of scrutiny when looked at properly, and ultimately isn't saying anything new?

 

[brightn'ove]

Isn't her standard well clear of the Nigel family just up the road though, so keep her on for another year I reckon, especially if you give her enough to buy a few new implements

you mean the Nigel family that have parked up on the local village green?

 

[Aadam]

We need pics, Chesney Christ.

I would forgive her if she was FILTHY in bed but insist on getting a takeaway every night.

Actually, thinking about it. If she added one very special ingredient, one that none of the other wives could add, the best ingredient of all the wives, then I think this would make up for it. Provided she could use that ingredient with every meal.

 

[Chesney Christ]

Wait, is this one of those there metaphors, that the person writing think is really clever and original, but doesn't actually stand up to any sort of scrutiny when looked at properly, and ultimately isn't saying anything new?

Dammit. You've made me feel so stupid.

 

[Chesney Christ]

Actually, thinking about it. If she added one very special ingredient, one that none of the other wives could add, the best ingredient of all the wives, then I think this would make up for it. Provided she could use that ingredient with every meal.

Bloody hell. You've taken my metaphor and battered me over the head with it like a Confusion Stick.

 

[Chesney Christ]

Actually, thinking about it. If she added one very special ingredient, one that none of the other wives could add, the best ingredient of all the wives, then I think this would make up for it. Provided she could use that ingredient with every meal.

Oh hang on.... you're talking about Vicente aren't you?

 

[Capricorn]

I have since read the entire content of your post, and have come to the conclusion that you should kidnap Nigella Lawson. Upon the kidnapping, in your best Papa Lazarou impersonation, proclaim: 'You're my wife now!!!' and then lock her in your kitchen.

 

[Aadam]

Oh hang on.... you're talking about Vicente aren't you?

 

[Pavilionaire]

I've heard your wife is aspiring to a bigger cooking budget and is currently shagging the bloke in the mansion at the top of the road.

 

[Uncle C]

My wife came in complaining that I never lift a finger around the house.

So I did.

The middle one.