Bell Cheeses at work

[Brian Fantana]

Pregnancy-bore update.

The individual in question has now developed the ability to turn any and every conversation, no matter what the subject, around to the subject of her impending child

"Morning, you alright?" [this is only ever a rhetorical question, isn't it? It's not like you actually seek a response other than "yeah, not bad mate, not bad"]

"Yes, I'm great thanks, xx weeks to go, but I'm feeling good. Bump is getting bigger, isn't it? Oh I feel so FAT" *

*clearly fishing for "glowing" compliment or some such.




"Anyone want a brew?"

"Oooh, I'll have one, decaf only for me though, can't be drinking caffeine now! I don't want to get Bump all jumpy!"





"Shit weather today, isn't it?"

"Oh isn't it? Still, I don't mind, it's not like I'll be going out running twenty miles with Bump! At least it's not hot. Imagine how uncomfortable I'll be then".





"I see the Prime Minister of Iceland has resigned over this Panama offshore banking scandal?"

"Iceland, I've always wanted to go there. Realistically though, it's just not practical now, not with me being pregnant, and then of course soon we'll have a little'un in tow, so who knows what we'll be doing in future"




"Amazing news: the scientists at CERN have managed to physically identify and separate the particle at the foundation of all life, thanks to years worth of painstaking research and the incredible possibilities created by the Large Hadron Collider"

"Yes <rubs abdomen> Bump is ever so lively today, everyone. I think I might have an Olympic athlete on my hands!".





Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I actually have the reverse.

Earlier in the thread, I was venting about the ladies in our office had found out that my wife is currently pregnant. They're constantly asking me about the minutiae of every single symptom and kick, and shoehorning impending fatherhood into every bloody conversation.

 

[Titanic]

The all-to-predictable result of extreme bell-cheesery!

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2016/04/07/man-known-cooking-fish-office-microwave-mysteriously-found-dead/

 

[Springal]

Nightmare in our office.'Fruity Thursday' (aka the day we get the same fruit, week in week out delivered to the office) has been cut from weekly to BI-WEEKLY. This is due to 33% growth in staff over last 12 months and no budget increase from corporate.

It is OK though as PILATES, YOGA & CoreStrength classes that are being run Tuesday, Wednesday,Thursday lunchtimes have been increased from 2 to 3 times a week.

I literally cannot believe we have someone who has 25% of their job associated to this.

Oh the MONTHLY healthy breakfast is now only QUARTERLY. Which is basically whatever can be found during a trolley dash on the way into the work from Tesco. Healthy things, like mozzarella, hard cheese, ham, salami, cream cheese.... Orange Juice made from concentrate etc

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

An update:

FINALLY all chairs have been safely reunited with their owners, but it has taken nearly a complete week of total timewasting and bickering to get this achieved, including a clear-the-air meeting.

The decision of has been taken to TIPPEX the names onto the back of the chairs, instead of the previous name tags sellotaped on. The only issue with this is that someone, and I shit you not, has insisted that the tippexing is done either well before or at the end of the working day as she thinks the smell of it will aggravate her asthma, so she doesn't want to be anywhere near the vicinity when this process is carried out.

It baffles me how some of these people manage to put their socks on in the morning. Strewth.

We had something a bit like this.

We recently had a departmental move around and each department completely changed location in the building (considering we are moving buildings in 3 months it's utterly pointless) and all the "special" chairs had been lost in the move, which lead to mass complaining from people who only requested the chairs as it means an afternoon off over at occupational health.

No word of a lie, this happened 3 weeks ago and they are still holding crisis meetings about this as not all the chairs have been found, with one person refusing point blank to come into work till it is sorted!

We have also had someone start recently who suffers from SAD which means everyone has to put up with a massive light being switched on whist he is at his desk giving everyone a massive headache.

 

[Wilko]

We had something a bit like this.

We recently had a departmental move around and each department completely changed location in the building (considering we are moving buildings in 3 months it's utterly pointless) and all the "special" chairs had been lost in the move, which lead to mass complaining from people who only requested the chairs as it means an afternoon off over at occupational health.

No word of a lie, this happened 3 weeks ago and they are still holding crisis meetings about this as not all the chairs have been found, with one person refusing point blank to come into work till it is sorted!

Oh my days, that is ridiculous.

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Anyone got a crossfit wanker at their job?

No, but I have 3 or 4 people either trying to sell diet shakes of drinking them whilst telling everyone how great they are whilst trying not to pass out from lack of nutrition

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Oh my days, that is ridiculous.

Yep, and there is nothing anyone can do as its discrimination to make her come back into work!

 

[The Fifth Column]

We had something a bit like this.

We recently had a departmental move around and each department completely changed location in the building (considering we are moving buildings in 3 months it's utterly pointless) and all the "special" chairs had been lost in the move, which lead to mass complaining from people who only requested the chairs as it means an afternoon off over at occupational health.

No word of a lie, this happened 3 weeks ago and they are still holding crisis meetings about this as not all the chairs have been found, with one person refusing point blank to come into work till it is sorted!

We have also had someone start recently who suffers from SAD which means everyone has to put up with a massive light being switched on whist he is at his desk giving everyone a massive headache.

Jesus your office sounds like my idea of workplace hell. Has anybody ever considered to your colleagues to get a sense of perspective and think about the shit they are whining about? I think most of these workplace ailments are mostly just made up because people are bored rigid in a dead end job and want themselves to be noticed.

 

[The Fifth Column]

No, but I have 3 or 4 people either trying to sell diet shakes of drinking them whilst telling everyone how great they are whilst trying not to pass out from lack of nutrition

Ah yes the juice plus and herbalife evangelists. They don't like it when you point out its just thinly disguised pyramid selling of overpriced cack. They seem to think they are selling miracle cures for cancer when really its all just snake oil.

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Jesus your office sounds like my idea of workplace hell. Has anybody ever considered to your colleagues to get a sense of perspective and think about the shit they are whining about? I think most of these workplace ailments are mostly just made up because people are bored rigid in a dead end job and want themselves to be noticed.

Problem is it's got completely out of control as it's generally seen as a soft touch.

I am not for one minute saying mental health issues are not serious, but one of our departments has three people off with stress related issues, one hasn't been seen since Jan 14 and the other two are getting close to a year on full pay as well.

The only time we see them is when they share holiday snaps on Facebook.....

So I guess the bellcheese here is our HR department, or me for going in....

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Ah yes the juice plus and herbalife evangelists. They don't like it when you point out its just thinly disguised pyramid selling of overpriced cack. They seem to think they are selling miracle cures for cancer when really its all just snake oil.

They all seem to go on about losing weight, but they look the same to me :/

They are surrounded by girls screaming how wonderful they look.

 

[Lush]

I would also like to take a moment to introduce you all to the disaster sneezer. She erupts with the full force and volume of a volcano and ALWAYS seems amazed that she has sneezed, despite happening repeatedly all day. She's one of those that will sneeze too loudly, take a moment to really savour it and then apologise at volume for her latest eruption. A guy in her team left a few weeks ago and greeted (what he had hoped would be!) her final unnecessarily loud sneeze with "seriously, sort your trumpet out you shambles". I thought there would be more of a sympathetic reaction to his comments so I started applauding, but I was alone. It was an awkward afternoon from there, especially when she then sneezed at disgraceful volume just minutes later.

Can't remember where I heard it (probably NSC) but have you ever heard the theory that the way people sneeze is very similar to how they sound when they orgasm? (makes some sense as both sounds are hard to control). Something to think about when anyone in your office sneezes.

 

[The Fifth Column]

Problem is it's got completely out of control as it's generally seen as a soft touch.

I am not for one minute saying mental health issues are not serious, but one of our departments has three people off with stress related issues, one hasn't been seen since Jan 14 and the other two are getting close to a year on full pay as well.

The only time we see them is when they share holiday snaps on Facebook.....

So I guess the bellcheese here is our HR department, or me for going in....

What highly stressed industry do you work in to have that many people playing the stress card? I fully understand people who genuinely suffer stress related illnesses but there are too many that simply just don't want to work and use it to take the piss.

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

What highly stressed industry do you work in to have that many people playing the stress card? I fully understand people who genuinely suffer stress related illnesses but there are too many that simply just don't want to work and use it to take the piss.

One is 21 - was 19 when first vanished ... I'm struggling to think what I was stressed with at that time.

During that time she has been to Disney Orlando twice and got engaged - it's become a joke amongst the girls they only see her at the tanning shop!

Nothing to stressful - they work for a customer service team

 

[BrightonCottager]

After Friday night's debacle, I did my best to enjoy the weekend with the family, had a therapeutic prescription of Harveys and Hophead on Sunday evening followed by a brilliant bike ride on the Downs on Monday morning. I was somewhat dreading my return to work on Tuesday as my football allegiances are fairly well known and there are a few Albion fans (some of them even lifelong) in the office. The respectful silence lasted 20 minutes until the person sitting opposite me just looked up and said '5-0...someone told me to say it'. She's not even an Albion fan.

I can predict what some of you might say about who's the real bellcheese in this story, but there is an etiquette about this kind of thing-you wait for the grieving party to open up about it. Only then, can the p*ss taking can begin.

 

[Coldeanseagull]

After Friday night's debacle, I did my best to enjoy the weekend with the family, had a therapeutic prescription of Harveys and Hophead on Sunday evening followed by a brilliant bike ride on the Downs on Monday morning. I was somewhat dreading my return to work on Tuesday as my football allegiances are fairly well known and there are a few Albion fans (some of them even lifelong) in the office. The respectful silence lasted 20 minutes until the person sitting opposite me just looked up and said '5-0...someone told me to say it'. She's not even an Albion fan.

I can predict what some of you might say about who's the real bellcheese in this story, but there is an etiquette about this kind of thing-you wait for the grieving party to open up about it. Only then, can the p*ss taking can begin.

Wrong. That would be too good an opportunity to waste by waiting 20 minutes.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Here is an email I got today from a colleague to whom I asked a simple and innocuous question to help me think about advising students about revision, given that all academics mark as hey dance (to their own tune). Note the SHOUTING.

"You cannot feedback to them a whole range of subject specific answers to these questions. They will be horribly confused. Just tell them what YOU expect for ALL topics and then tell us (if it differs from college norms)."

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

Can't remember where I heard it (probably NSC) but have you ever heard the theory that the way people sneeze is very similar to how they sound when they orgasm? (makes some sense as both sounds are hard to control). Something to think about when anyone in your office sneezes.

When I sneeze I blow half my face off, and walls vibrate. Mrs Tackle soulds like she is using laser technology to surgically remove one nostril hair at a time. Do you think we need to see a therapist?

 

[Brian Fantana]

Sitting on a conference call. A colleague, whilst describing a new initiative that he's leading (which is going to be unpopular with a lot of staff) used the following bellend bingo to justify it:

"Well, we're not asking anyone to go away and boil the ocean."

I've never heard that one before, but it made me want to drown him in the ocean.

 

[pasty]

I have an Account Manager winding me up this morning.

Just an example of his work so far...

Email from me to him:

I have run the file again “as live” so I can generate the reports.

However, I need to know which client server they should be uploaded to.

Client test server: IP address xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx or the
Client live server: IP address xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx

Please can you find out which one?

Account Manager response:

Client has confirmed the IP addresses are correct.