Bell Cheeses at work

[Badger]

Bell Cheese at Work Consultancy Services

We come in, sit and observe the workplace for signs of bellcheesery (keeping adequate evidence - which may mean covert surveillance, examination of bins, listening in to meetings and conversations etc) and then provide simple recommendations, which will mostly consist of 'get rid'.

How about some kind of expensive consultancy, whereby we send our experts into offices, to sit, observe, then report back to the management, on the presence of productivity-affecting BELL CHEESES, in their midst.

Fantastic idea, I see this becoming the GOLD standard for making work a pleasant place to be. We could issue companies with a rating certificate similar to those energy efficiency ones you get on electrical appliances and buildings.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Fantastic idea, I see this becoming the GOLD standard for making work a pleasant place to be. We could issue companies with a rating certificate similar to those energy efficiency ones you get on electrical appliances and buildings.

Another excellent idea.

An investors in people style plaque could be awarded to offices that are bellcheese-free.

 

[hans kraay fan club]

Another excellent idea.

An investors in people style plaque could be awarded to offices that are bellcheese-free.

There's no such thing as a completely BCF office, Brian. We'll be effective, I'm sure, but we're not miracle workers.

 

[Badger]

There's no such thing as a completely BCF office, Brian. We'll be effective, I'm sure, but we're not miracle workers.

I think the best we can hope for is BCN (Bell Cheese Neutral), where the BCs cancel each other out and are kept away from non BCs.

 

[Iggle Piggle]

We've got software developers on here. Whose going to do the splash page? I'll stump up the cash for the domain name.

As a Project Manager whose profession has been snagged off regularly on here, it's my duty to be in charge of something that goes wrong.

 

[Brian Fantana]

There's no such thing as a completely BCF office, Brian. We'll be effective, I'm sure, but we're not miracle workers.

I think we've got to strive for BCF.

 

[Notters]

There’s a woman in our office who grazes, all day long. There is ALWAYS something open on her desk, be it crisps, yoghurts, nuts, berries, Maltesers, Dairylea Slices (yes, really), or a box of those Ritz crackers. This bounty is slowly consumed throughout the morning, until she will break for lunch and make a start on her sandwiches. In addition to this, she’ll usually reheat some of last nights leftover supper in the microwave, be it lasagne, soup, shepherds pie or whatever. Then there’ll be another bag of crisps (she stores multipacks in her drawer), then once lunch is over the grazing continues unabaited deep into the afternoon. She is quite literally an eating MACHINE. I can barely remember a time I’ve passed her desk when her jaws aren’t slowly rotating in that casual bovine motion, one podgy mit buried within a bag of something-or-other ready to deliver the next morsel of choice into her gaping maw. And man alive, is there some choice.

Not that I find it annoying, she’s not particularly loud, to be fair. But one thing that drives me spackers after a while is this. When talking to her, she has a habit (on the rare occasion when her mouth isn’t full) of saying the very last word of your sentence back to you, a split second after you’ve said it. As if in confirmation that she he totally “on the same page” and understands what you are saying, to the extent that she can actually finish your sentence for you. Except she isn’t finishing the sentence, she’s just repeating or interrupting the final word. So the conversation will go:

Me:“The meetings been put back an hour, so we’re going to be in the meeting room downst..”
Muncher: "Downstairs" (nod)
Me: "...airs"


I won’t even have finished SAYING the word “downstairs” before she’s saying it back to me. And she does this with practically EVERY sentence anyone says to her. Making every conversation stilted and awkward. I can’t tell you how aggravating this gets. If I had to live with that, I think I’d be driven to self-harming.

An excellent tale. You appear to have forgotten to mention how LARGE she is. I do hope she's large.

 

[Gwylan]

Bellcheesefree.com is available

It could be the start of something big

 

[Notters]

We could also offer bell cheese mitigation measures, such as specially designed cages, mufflers and gags. The deluxe package would include a bell cheese trapdoor.

 

[Badger]

We've got software developers on here. Whose going to do the splash page? I'll stump up the cash for the domain name.

As a Project Manager whose profession has been snagged off regularly on here, it's my duty to be in charge of something that goes wrong.

I don't mind writing the code as long as I'm provided with a complete set of requirements and a full technical specification so I can get it completed and fully tested in time for the release date.

No, but seriously, I'll HACK something together and we can change it as we go along.

 

[Codner pharmaceuticals]

I'm well up for this. What is our company going to do?

Strategic football consultancy on running clubs profitably and player scouting.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Could we offer CBT to help reform BCs into normal, functioning members of the office?

 

[Igzilla]

Could we offer ECT to help reform BCs into normal, functioning members of the office?

Corrected for you.

 

[FamilyGuy]

With a Blue Ocean Strategy on the production of cheese.

Blue Vein Strategy if its to produce Cheese - surely??

 

[Easy 10]

An excellent tale. You appear to have forgotten to mention how LARGE she is. I do hope she's large.

Indeed she is (almost goes without saying). She's also diabetic, not that it seems to overly curb her eating habits. God only knows what she ploughs through at home in front of the telly.

We're on the 2nd floor, and she makes a point of always using the stairs (I guess this is her way of counterbalancing the skip-full of food she routinely devours over the course of the day). After those two flights of stairs she is quite literally wheezing and gasping for breath, and will often have a thin film of perspiration across her forehead as she slumps back into her chair. It usually takes several minutes of pronounced puffing and breathing exercises for her to get her breath back. And then I watch, as that hand is drawn slowly, inexorably back into the Ritz box...

 

[hans kraay fan club]

We've got software developers on here. Whose going to do the splash page? I'll stump up the cash for the domain name.

As a Project Manager whose profession has been snagged off regularly on here, it's my duty to be in charge of something that goes wrong.

As a Customer Service Manager, no doubt I'll be the sod lumbered with copping the flak for any BCs missed in one of our audits, and with placating customers with unrealistic expectations.

"Dear Sir

Following your recent consultancy visit, and subsequent issue of our requested Workplace Irritation Audit, I must write to express some dissatisfaction at the accuracy of the results. Whilst our Office Administrator was correctly identified by your representative, as a 'fat, perma-grazing, waste of company oxygen' I must take issue at the hugely erroneous description of myself as a 'sweating, over-bearing, pompous corporate tool, of the worst kind'. I must draw your attention to our clearly defined criteria, that stipulated only middle-management and below, were to be audited.

I await your comments, and re-drafted report.

Yours
Mr B.Cheese, MD"

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

This thread has become truly glorious.

If the BC Consultancy firm takes off it will be a real force for good in the world.

Will we be looking to provide BC rehabilitation services? Surely it'll be another feather in the cap if we can turn some lardy hands free user into a model employee?

Edit; As the owner of a fairly ambiguous job title I feel that I would be well suited to lead in the rehabilitation section. I've often found that when no-one is entirely sure where you sit in the hierarchy (which only really matters to BCs) you tend to get listened to more than you perhaps should.

 

[Bombadier Botty]

There’s a woman in our office who grazes, all day long. There is ALWAYS something open on her desk, be it crisps, yoghurts, nuts, berries, Maltesers, Dairylea Slices (yes, really), or a box of those Ritz crackers. This bounty is slowly consumed throughout the morning, until she will break for lunch and make a start on her sandwiches. In addition to this, she’ll usually reheat some of last nights leftover supper in the microwave, be it lasagne, soup, shepherds pie or whatever. Then there’ll be another bag of crisps (she stores multipacks in her drawer), then once lunch is over the grazing continues unabaited deep into the afternoon. She is quite literally an eating MACHINE. I can barely remember a time I’ve passed her desk when her jaws aren’t slowly rotating in that casual bovine motion, one podgy mit buried within a bag of something-or-other ready to deliver the next morsel of choice into her gaping maw. And man alive, is there some choice.
.

You have just described two elephantile women in my office to a tea.

 

[Easy 10]

You have just described two elephantile women in my office to a tea.

Or tee ? A Freudian slip there if ever I saw one

Speaking of tea, that reminds me of another aspect of her working day. She consumes RIVERS of tea, to such a prolific extent that she is actually excluded from the "tea round". This was entirely her own choice and completely voluntary. She consumes about 4 times the amount of tea as any normal human being, therefore our normal tea rounds were simply far too infrequent to cater for her insatiable needs. So she just makes her own tea, as and when she wants. Which is by my reckoning probably about 15 times a day.

 

[Box of Frogs]

How about we all do some blue sky thinking and touch base this afternoon?

This demands a Town Hall at the very least, Shirley?!?