Bell Cheeses at work

[seagully]

In the Bell Cheese Consultancy Office we would have free milk, tea, coffee and food for all. Free tablets for all employees (to keep abreast of happenings on NSC), weekly trips to the pub (attendance optional) and no animals of any kind allowed in the office. "Team building" events would be banned and job titles would clearly state what the job entails, e.g. Fat Bell Cheese exterminator, Crisps remover, Bloke who kicks dogs out of the office window.

 

[Badger]

In the Bell Cheese Consultancy Office we would have free milk, tea, coffee and food for all. Free tablets for all employees (to keep abreast of happenings on NSC), weekly trips to the pub (attendance optional) and no animals of any kind allowed in the office. "Team building" events would be banned and job titles would clearly state what the job entails, e.g. Fat Bell Cheese exterminator, Crisps remover, Bloke who kicks dogs out of the office window.

Do I need to submit a CV for this role?

 

[dazzer6666]

In the Bell Cheese Consultancy Office we would have free milk, tea, coffee and food for all. Free tablets for all employees (to keep abreast of happenings on NSC), weekly trips to the pub (attendance optional) and no animals of any kind allowed in the office. "Team building" events would be banned and job titles would clearly state what the job entails, e.g. Fat Bell Cheese exterminator, Crisps remover, Bloke who kicks dogs out of the office window.

Perfect, simple descriptive titles for key roles - no 'Canine Ejection Executives' in this firm.

 

[dazzer6666]

Do I need to submit a CV for this role?

Nope, you post on here a short clip of you kicking a dog out of a window - preferably with a fat bird eating crisps and crying in the background. Job's yours.

 

[seagully]

Do I need to submit a CV for this role?

Job was created purely for you mate!

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Precisely. We do have one 'special chair' for someone who has a particularly horrendous terminal illness (ah sorry, I mean a slightly bad back caused by being FAT and LAZY) but all the others are 100% the same. It's quite fun to adjust those with the 'don't adjust' signs on them but not sit in them and watch the reaction.

'Has anyone sat in my chair ?'
'Probably, you have been swinging the lead for three days off 'sick' and we're short of space'
'But it's been adjusted. there is a clear sign on it saying 'do not adjust'. It's not supposed to be adjusted'
'Can't you just re-adjust it to suit you ?'
'But it was just right before'
'It's adjustable, you can make it 'just right' again - see those levers ?'
'But it won't be the same'
etc.........

I have to admit I once went on the offensive against an individual within my team who had the whole collection of special items on or around her desk, including;

Special mouse (looked like a joystick)
Special keyboard (kept in a dust cover)
Screen glare adjustor
Oversized monitor
Footrest
Special chair

As I'm sure you can probably imagine, it didn't take long to break her. It did also lead to one of my favourite work memories thus far;

'Has someone sat in my chair?'
'Yeah, sorry, there was nothing else to sit in'
'Did you adjust it?'
'To adjust for the two foot I have on you, I'm afraid so yes'
'But I had my sign on it'
'Oh don't worry, I made sure to take that off first, I didn't want to break any rules'

By the time she'd sussed what I'd said I'd already gone to lunch. Best day ever.

Nope, you post on here a short clip of you kicking a dog out of a window - preferably with a fat bird eating crisps and crying in the background. Job's yours.

Genuinely made me laugh out loud at my desk. Good work!

 

[Notters]

We'll need a LOGO to put on all this kit of course because without BRANDING we're NOTHING.

Anyone spotted in the early stages of bellcheesery (ie not so bad that they are confirmed, but where they are on the slippery slope) could be made to wear a special tee shirt /blouse (or tie, or boiler suit depending on their workplace, or possibly some form of lanyard and tag) that singles them out and warns others so they are effectively on a bellcheese probationary period as a warning.

Probably needs some work.

In the Bell Cheese Consultancy Office we would have free milk, tea, coffee and food for all. Free tablets for all employees (to keep abreast of happenings on NSC), weekly trips to the pub (attendance optional) and no animals of any kind allowed in the office. "Team building" events would be banned and job titles would clearly state what the job entails, e.g. Fat Bell Cheese exterminator, Crisps remover, Bloke who kicks dogs out of the office window.

Could we not have team building events that involved going to Albion away matches and drinking ale?

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Not sure this'll show up properly due to pesky Tapatalk.

We're currently missing a catchy yet meaningful slogan, suggestions?

 

[seagully]

Probably needs some work.

View attachment 67020


Could we not have team building events that involved going to Albion away matches and drinking ale?

Good idea on the away match front but we would have to call them "piss up with the lads days" to avoid the involuntary shudder when reading the words "team-building" on any kind of email.

 

[WhingForPresident]

In the Bell Cheese Consultancy Office we would have free milk, tea, coffee and food for all. Free tablets for all employees (to keep abreast of happenings on NSC), weekly trips to the pub (attendance optional) and no animals of any kind allowed in the office. "Team building" events would be banned and job titles would clearly state what the job entails, e.g. Fat Bell Cheese exterminator, Crisps remover, Bloke who kicks dogs out of the office window.

Can these free tablets be Prozac to nullify the effects of the sheer magnitude of bellendery you'd be exposed to?

 

[dazzer6666]

View attachment 67021

Not sure this'll show up properly due to pesky Tapatalk.

We're currently missing a catchy yet meaningful slogan, suggestions?

We find 'em, you fire 'em. The f*ckers.

 

[jakarta]

We find 'em, you fire 'em. The f*ckers.

You're Shit and WE Know You Are

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Australians

 

[Ken Livingstone Seagull]

Re: The Zeitgeist

Did you ask her whether it was the Herderian sense of the genius or the Hegelian view of constant dialectical clash?

That, sir, provides me with an excellent responsive iteration. Hopefully, if the synergy permits, I may deliver these bon mots in Real Time.

Oh, and as for the proposed joint corporate venture, I bags the Hawaii office. Our Bell Cheese International regional Vision Statement will doubtless involve ongoing global cross-pollination.

 

[dazzer6666]

That, sir, provides me with an excellent responsive iteration. Hopefully, if the synergy permits, I may deliver these bon mots in Real Time.

Oh, and as for the proposed joint corporate venture, I bags the Hawaii office. Our Bell Cheese International regional Vision Statement will doubtless involve ongoing global cross-pollination.

You're OUT.

 

[Ken Livingstone Seagull]

You're OUT.

Indeed.

Hopefully, by re-inserting the missing word "NOT" between "doubtless" and "involve", I may be permitted back IN to perform TransPacific BC mitigation?

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

Indeed.

Hopefully, by re-inserting the missing word "NOT" between "doubtless" and "involve", I may be permitted back IN to perform TransPacific BC mitigation?

I think you've wandered into the wrong thread here my friend, we don't like your sort round here...

 

[dazzer6666]

I think you've wandered into the wrong thread here my friend, we don't like your sort round here...

This. Go back to your crisps and special chair, flipcharts and w*nky powerpoint presentations.

 

[Fef]

Bell Cheese Consultants Ltd.

There hasn't been any reaching out yet. You've got to remember to reach out; if you haven't reached out, then it's the slippery slope. You'll need to reach out then.

 

[Ninja Elephant]

Bell Cheese Consultants Ltd.

There hasn't been any reaching out yet. You've got to remember to reach out; if you haven't reached out, then it's the slippery slope. You'll need to reach out then.

Reach out as much as you want, if you're not aligned then you're nowhere. And aren't we forgetting to loop everyone in?