Song titles or lyrics that are palpably untrue.

[Simster]

Elton John tells us that Princess Diana lived her life like a candle in the wind.
What a crock of shit that is. How many candles have you seen putting on £2,000 Armani Jeans before making self sacrificing trips to Somalia to talk to some poor people? Has a candle ever blubbed like a baby outside the Taj Mahal? Nope. And how many candles have you met that have sons who look like James Hewitt?

What a load of shit.

 

[Meade's Ball]

"The road is long, with many a winding turn...."

Mine isn't. It's short and straight. Like Ronnie Corbett.

 

[Easy 10]

In Rebel Yell, Billy Idol claims that "last night a little angel came pumping on my floor". This requires us to make a leap of faith in accepting that a holy messenger from God visited the leather-clad hobbling bi-sexual rocker one night and, without further prompting, performed some kind of bizarre pumping ritual in his house. Dubious, to say the least.

Further to that, Idol then goes on: "she said come on baby, I got a licence for love. And if it expires, pray Hell from above". Even before you consider the appalling grammar, I am at something of a loss as to understand why you would need a licence for love, where you could get one (I certainly didn't see any forms at the Post Office), how much it costs, and whether or not it needs prior approval from the relevent district authorities. And for a messenger of the Lord to suggest we pray for Hell from above - well, I think that highly unlikely and bordering on blasphemy.

 

[Biscuit]

The Beatles.

After extensive research I can reveal that NONE of the fab four were in fact the 'Egg man' or indeed a 'Walrus'.

The only shred of evidence I can find to back up these claims was found during an interview by Time magizine with Sir Paul McCartney back in '78. When asked about his favourite type of food, he did indeed reply, "Oh I'm easy really...bit of an Egg man if you were to push it, but I'd eat anything."

 

[El Presidente]

" You can't hurry love" warbled 80's slaphead drummer cum MOR singer Phil Collins. Well I can as I suffer from Premature Ejaculation, so there/

 

[Schrödinger's Toad]

Queen reckoned it's a hard life. Not today it isn't - I've done all of an hour at Uni, then gone to get my hair cut and come home to watch TV and eat noodles. Bloody easy, actually.

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

Lionel Richie coos to his loved one that she is:

Once, twice, three times a lady.

Nonsensical as we all know. How can she be three times a lady let alone twice?

Or is it?

Having seen the mental and physical state of his ex-wife it is entirely possible that she has on more than one occasion been spruced up in a laboratory.

 

[Simster]

"I heard it on the grapevine"

Frankly I just don't believe you, Mr Gaye. I pressed my ear hard up next to some grapes in a vinyard when I was on holiday in France, fully expecting to hear the half time Albion score - and all I got was a wind-whistling sound, an ear full of grape juice and a bird crapping on my shoulder. I think I'll stick to my WAP phone in future.

 

[Simster]

" You can't hurry love" warbled 80's slaphead drummer cum MOR singer Phil Collins. Well I can as I suffer from Premature Ejaculation, so there/

Class.

 

[Gazwag]

" You can't hurry love" warbled 80's slaphead drummer cum MOR singer Phil Collins. Well I can as I suffer from Premature Ejaculation, so there/

So when Emma Bunton sang "what took you so long" it wasn't after sleeping with you then

 

[Schrödinger's Toad]

And as for Paul McCartney's guitar gently weeping, that's just silly. Guitars are not sentient beings, and as such have no strong emotions either way. Also, no tear glands.

I reckon it's much more likely that someone split their water down it, and it only looked like it was crying. He should have done more research, rather than rushing in and writing a song about it.

 

[Withnail]

I looked to the sky
Where an elephant's eye
Was looking at me
From a bubblegum tree
And all that I knew
The hole in my shoe
Was letting in water (letting in water)

I walked through a field
That just wasnt real
Where 100 tin soldiers
Would shoot at my shoulder
And all that I knew
The hole in my shoe
Was letting in water (letting in water)

(I climbed on the back of a giant albatross
Which flew through a crack in the cloud
To a place where happiness reigned all year round
Where music played ever so loudly)

I started to fall
And suddenly woke
And the dew on the grass
It stuck to my coat
And all that I knew
The hole in my shoe
Was letting in water (letting in water)


Oh God, where do you start?

 

[pasty]

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

How come I put my back out trying to lift my fat bastard of a brother then?

 

[Easy 10]

"I heard it on the grapevine"

Frankly I just don't believe you, Mr Gaye. I pressed my ear hard up next to some grapes in a vinyard when I was on holiday in France, fully expecting to hear the half time Albion score - and all I got was a wind-whistling sound, an ear full of grape juice and a bird crapping on my shoulder. I think I'll stick to my WAP phone in future.

Marvellous.

I think this thread has "GOLD" written all over it. I've been pissing meself at some of these.

 

[Titanic]

Much as I love Joe Strummer and The Clash - it is plainly evident that you can, in fact, be happy WITHOUT a Tommy gun.

Dur!

 

[Biscuit]

Dire Straits!

Money for nothing and your chicks for free?

I do not think so. Money is earnt or given as a gesture of good will, it certainly isn't nothing. Oh and as for 'chicks for free' - Money is exchanged for goods. If the goods are chicks, then you would with legal tender and leave with a chick. However, this would mean that the chicks are not free.

 

[Withnail]

Elton John tells us that Princess Diana lived her life like a candle in the wind.
What a crock of shit that is. How many candles have you seen putting on £2,000 Armani Jeans before making self sacrificing trips to Somalia to talk to some poor people? Has a candle ever blubbed like a baby outside the Taj Mahal? Nope. And how many candles have you met that have sons who look like James Hewitt?

What a load of shit.

You miss the point. The song was originally intended for a blond egotistical maniac with delusions of her own self importance who shagged anything that moved and died in what some simple minded people beleive to be mysterious circumstances.
oh, hang on.

 

[El Presidente]

"God save the Queen, she ain't no human being" snarled Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols in 1977. This is not true, the queen may have a face that resembles a baboon's haemmorhoids, mainly due to inbreeding amongst European royalty for the last 300 years or so, but her DNA is still 100% homo sapiens (and Edward's is 100% homosexual, but at least Sophie will not have to worry about him running off with another woman).

 

[Seagullible]

Love lift us up where we belong, Where the eagles fly, on a mountain high.
I'm sorry but eagles would fly above the mountain not ON it you twat

 

[Gazwag]

"Last Christmas I gave you my heart", warbles George Michael, "the very next day" YOU WOULD BE DEAD YOU DICKHEAD