It's gone 11pm, I've had a whiskey, lets hear some of our favourite VIZ quotes;

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

I'll get the ball rolling with some classics:

'Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.'

'Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.'

'Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.'

'Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.'

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

Taxi drivers, try indicating occasionally to let other motorists know what the f*** doing

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Taxi drivers, try indicating occasionally to let other motorists know what the f*** doing

Haha, not read that one before.

'What a load of nonsense this tantric sex is. So Sting can delay his climax for seven hours. That's nothing. I've been banging my missus for forty years and she's not had an orgasm yet.'

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200°C.

 

[gripper stebson]

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by putting a tenner in the pocket of your black suit now.

Sent from my HTC Desire S using Tapatalk

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

'After a hard nights drinking, eat two heaped spoonfuls of Bisto gravy before going to bed and 'stir' by gyrating your waist. The following morning's inevitable bum gravy will be nicely thickened.'

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Cheer yourself up at the next funeral you go to by putting a tenner in the pocket of your black suit now.

Quality.

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

The World of Women Driving
Car repairs
'June Spears', who was taken for a £6,322 ride by her local garage.

The largest bill for fictitious work carried out on a woman's car by garage mechanics was one of £6,322.88 charged by Joskin Bros Motors Ltd. of Stevenage, Herts. (GB). Calling in for a routine service on her one-year-old Peugeot 305, Mrs. June Spears agreed to pay for, amongst other things, new trumpets (£725), cracked gangle pin (£1,785), realignment of main glib shaft (£2,26, new grommets (£112), set of hexagonal tag nuts and dangleberry adapter (£35) and new piss-take valves (£120). No work was actually carried out on the car during the six weeks that it spent at the garage but 4000 miles were put on the clock and she later received a speeding summons from Italian police.

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Imagine my surprise when I came came home from work the other day to find my wife in the kitchen, naked, covered in spaghetti and pouring hot bolognese sauce all over her body.

"What are you doing?" I asked.....

"I'm putting the dinner on" she replied

How we laughed on the way to the Burns Unit.

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

EX-ARSENAL fan Osama Bin Laden has taken football hooliganism to new extremes with his attack on New York. It makes me hanker for the good old days when they just threw coins and darts at each other.

 

[alan partridge]

Piss up a rope fuckstick

 

[Phat Baz 68]

"Jenkins your hand is up, so what does your mother do for a living ?" "mine sir, she's a whore sir " Classic from about 1994 when i was at Uni MY MOTHERS A WHORE !

 

[Phat Baz 68]

"My friend and i were out with our metal detectors the other day digging around for hours!" "We couldn't believe how many rings, bracelets and necklaces we found in just one morning !"
Oh how we laughed when we realised we were actually in the local Cemetery.

 

[Nottseagull]

IN A RUSH? Cook your breakfast egg in half the time by replacing the water in the pan with commercially available brake fluid which boils at 200°C.

Call me a pedantic kill-joy if you will but this simply doesn't make sense. You need a liquid that boils at less than that of water for the joke to work.

 

[Garage_Doors]

Call me a pedantic kill-joy if you will but this simply doesn't make sense. You need a liquid that boils at less than that of water for the joke to work.

pedantic kill-joy, just laugh at the joke.

 

[Scampi]

Call me a pedantic kill-joy if you will but this simply doesn't make sense. You need a liquid that boils at less than that of water for the joke to work.

No you dont, you need something that cooks at a higher temperature.

 

[getreal1]

Well.. there was one in the cartoon series charmingly entitled 'Wanking Over Your Girlfriend's Tits'. Kenneth Wolstenholme was the celebrity of the week and went "She thinks it's all over .......ohhhhhh....it is now". First rate filth.

 

[FamilyGuy]

from the Fat Slags Christmas Party, one slag kissing her Boss: "Oh you dirty bastard, your breath smells of garlic - you'll have to take me from behind!"

 

[Norman Potting]

"There's nuffin to do around here, let's go and torch the community centre". Kappa (lately Tasha, for legal reasons) Slapper.

"USS Enterprise crew members, if you have never before appeared in an episode and Captain Kirk orders you to "beam down" to an alien planet with him and the other well known cast members it is best to refuse. If you do you will be killed."