Favourite one-liners from comedy sitcoms

[Nigella's Cream Pie]

Reggie Perrin - Jimmy Anderson is explaining to Reggie what kinds of people his secret army will be against:

Jimmy: Wreckers of law and order. Communists, Maoists, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists, union leaders, Communist union leaders, atheists, agnostics, long-haired weirdos, short-haired weirdos, vandals, hooligans, football supporters, namby-pamby probation officers, rapists, papists, papist rapists, foreign surgeons - headshrinkers, who ought to be locked up, Wedgwood Benn, keg bitter, punk rock, glue-sniffers, "Play For Today", Clive Jenkins, Roy Jenkins, Up Jenkins, up everybody's, Chinese restaurants - why do you think Windsor Castle is ringed with Chinese restaurants?

Reggie: You realise the sort of people you're going to attract, don't you, Jimmy? Thugs, bully-boys, psychopaths, sacked policemen, security guards, sacked security guards, racialists, Paki-bashers, queer-bashers, Chink-bashers, anybody-bashers, rear Admirals, queer admirals, Vice Admirals, fascists, neo-fascists, crypto-fascists, loyalists, neo-loyalists, crypto-loyalists.

Jimmy: Do you think so? I thought recruitment might be difficult.

 

[pasty]

Rodney: If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me.

 

[Norman Potting]

For no reason whatsoever this classic exchange just sprang into my mind and I feel justified in a cheeky bounce. "Life on Mars" was not exactly a comedy sitcom but a great series with some classic quotes.

Gene: I think you have forgotten who you are talking to.
Sam Tyler: An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding.
Gene: You make that sound like a *bad* thing!

 

[DavidRyder]

Not from a sitcom but IMO one of the funniest lines out there:

He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy!

 

[DavidRyder]

'That means there will be noise or there won't be noise? Hard to tell. But they're just deaf - they're not deaf offenders?'

 

[DavidRyder]

'Are you looking for a punch up the bracket?'

 

[Moshe Gariani]

"Is this a piece of your brain?"

 

[DavidRyder]

'Why, because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment?'

 

[Whitechapel]

" People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people."

Super Hanz

 

[pasty]

OFAH; Sleepless in Peckham

Sid now running the Nags Head: OI! Marlene, you're barred. Get off home and take yer foster tits with you.

 

[Swillis]

According to you and your family we are looking for a six foot seven inch dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, white male with oriental features who's as black as Newgates Knocker.

Oh yeah and he wears a Deaf aid.

Not sure if you have ever seen this, I'm fairly sure you have though. It was an ofah special made for schools. This particular video is good quality, unlike most of the others.

https://vimeo.com/164318269

Download it if you like it as never know when it might disappear.

 

[Badger]

Step up to red alert
Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

Gareth Cheeseman (oh the phone): "Yeah, yeah, we'll have to catch up, paint the town, shoot some pool, get absolutely rat-arsed, yeah, yeah, alright, bye mum, bye, bye."

Pauline LuLu Calf's mum (handing over glass of water): "We didn't have any lemon so I put a slice of apple in it."

 

[mejonaNO12 aka riskit]

Not particularly helpful but there are some BLINDING quotes from the "Ipswich" episode of People Just do Nothing.

Ultimately their "nationwide tour" is 1 night with constant quotes like" different bed every night" , "life on the road" and "travel broadens the mind"

 

[Sussexscots]

From "Whatever happened to the Likely Lads" where Bob has been arrested on suspicion of drink driving;

Thelma: What happens now?

Police officer: We have to take a sample of blood or urine.

Thelma: Bob pay attention?

Bob: mmm?

Police Officer: Blood or urine sir?

Bob: Just a cup of tea please.

 

[Swillis]

Not particularly hellful but there are some BLINDING quotes from the "Ipswich" episode of People Just do Nothing.

Ultimately their "nationwide tour" is 1 night with constant quotes like" different bed every night" , "life on the road" and "travel broadens the mind"

I really like people just do nothing, the first series had me crying with laughter.

It is actually based on a real life documentary about pirate radio in Southend.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dRdgXmL8DvQ

 

[Titanic]

I must have been keen on her because I took her to see India! ... at The Oval!

 

[Muhammed - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

Not sure if you have ever seen this, I'm fairly sure you have though. It was an ofah special made for schools. This particular video is good quality, unlike most of the others.

https://vimeo.com/164318269

Download it if you like it as never know when it might disappear.

yeah, got it on a DVD along with some other specials they did. Picked it up at a convention last year

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

"Can we cancel our fruits salads please"
"It's a bit tricky, chefs just opened the tin"

 

[Swillis]

yeah, got it on a DVD along with some other specials they did. Picked it up at a convention last year

I actually met the organiser of those conventions at Biggin hill airshow years ago and bought my one of him. I have managed to get them all again but in a lot better quality than the one I originally bought from him. The convention is being held at the oval cricket ground this year but is a lot pricier than before but will benefit from less queues.

http://www.onlyfools.net/shop/TICKETS-FOR-CONVENTION-2007.htm