Favourite one-liners from comedy sitcoms
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Fountainhead
Active member
From Porridge..
Fletcher-
"He sent me a letter in Brixton when I was on remand ( His Barrister)
I’ve still got it –I always keep it by me because I still can’t believe it.
Remember, he sent me this two days before the trial."
“My dear Fletcher,
My staff and I shall work with the utmost skill and vigour refuting the charges against you.
Investigators will unearth evidence and testimony.
Researchers will collate facts, on which I shall build a defence, which will leave no stone unturned, no avenue unexplored, and will culminate in your justifiable release.
In the meantime, please proceed with your escape plan.”
Fletcher-
"He sent me a letter in Brixton when I was on remand ( His Barrister)
I’ve still got it –I always keep it by me because I still can’t believe it.
Remember, he sent me this two days before the trial."
“My dear Fletcher,
My staff and I shall work with the utmost skill and vigour refuting the charges against you.
Investigators will unearth evidence and testimony.
Researchers will collate facts, on which I shall build a defence, which will leave no stone unturned, no avenue unexplored, and will culminate in your justifiable release.
In the meantime, please proceed with your escape plan.”
Raleigh Chopper
New member
Mrs Slocombe on a very rainy day.
"My pussy is soaking wet"
I am not sure it gets any better than that.
"My pussy is soaking wet"
I am not sure it gets any better than that.
AmexRuislip
Trainee Spy 🕵️♂️
From Bottom.
Eddie: That’s it! I’m going to write to my M.P.
Richie: Why?
Eddie: Because I love her!
Richie: [emphatically] Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
Eddie: That’s it! I’m going to write to my M.P.
Richie: Why?
Eddie: Because I love her!
Richie: [emphatically] Eddie! Tony Blair is a man!
Withdean11
Well-known member
That is probably my favourite scene. Ever.
Boycie: Come on Del, let's see your two pair.
Del: Well I've got a pair of aces and another pair of aces.
Boycie: That's FOUR aces.
Del: I didn't know you were good at maths either Boycie
Boycie: (grudgingly) Well done, Del. Nicely played. (whispers) Where did you get those four bloody Aces from?
Del: Same place you got those Kings. I knew you was cheating, Boycie.
Boycie: Oh yeah, how?
Del: Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.
Arthritic Toe
Well-known member
Raleigh Chopper
New member
"Alan, you've come free at the sides"
Grandad: He's a psycho!
Axe Murderer: Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?
Grandad: Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
Axe Murderer: Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?
Grandad: Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.
Arthritic Toe
Well-known member
Whilst researching 'aerosol' jokes, I stumbled upon the following which I thought should be shared:
What's the difference between a oral and anal thermometer ?
The taste.
What's the difference between a oral and anal thermometer ?
The taste.
According to you and your family we are looking for a six foot seven inch dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, white male with oriental features who's as black as Newgates Knocker.
Oh yeah and he wears a Deaf aid.
Oh yeah and he wears a Deaf aid.
dejavuatbtn
Well-known member
I have to confess to using "Morning campers." most mornings on arriving at work.
Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Tuckerism's are too good for one-liners.
Malcolm: I'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.
Malcolm Tucker: It's time for you to step up Ollie. What's that film that you love?
Ollie: What film?
Malcolm: The one about the fvcking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy, he's got a tin foil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fvcking fvcked his sister. Lego! They're all made of fvcking Lego.
Ollie: Star Wars?
Malcolm: That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fvcking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big...
Ollie: Death Star.
Malcolm: The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears
Ollie: They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office)
Malcolm: I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I am extremely miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call "Violent Sexual Imagery", and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.
Nicola: I could actually do without the theatrics, I think Malcolm--
Malcolm: Enough. E-fvcking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fvcking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first, big, fat egg of solid FVCK. You took the data loss media strategy and you ate with a lump of E. coli. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300mph.
Malcolm: I'd love to stop and chat to you but I'd rather have Type 2 diabetes.
Malcolm Tucker: It's time for you to step up Ollie. What's that film that you love?
Ollie: What film?
Malcolm: The one about the fvcking hairdresser, the space hairdresser and the cowboy. The guy, he's got a tin foil pal and a pedal bin. His father's a robot and he's fvcking fvcked his sister. Lego! They're all made of fvcking Lego.
Ollie: Star Wars?
Malcolm: That's the one, right. It's like that, okay? Where you fvcking kill all the bad guys, and you'll be able to blow up the big...
Ollie: Death Star.
Malcolm: The Death Star thing. Then you can go and live happily ever after on the planet of the teddy bears
Ollie: They're Ewoks, they're Ewoks. It's a fantastic analogy, well done.
(Nicola and Terri sit down in Malcolm's office)
Malcolm: I just wanted to say to you, by way of introductory remarks, that I am extremely miffed about today's events and, in my quest to try and make you understand the level of my unhappiness, I'm likely to use an awful lot of what we would call "Violent Sexual Imagery", and I just wanted to check that neither of you would be terribly offended by that.
Nicola: I could actually do without the theatrics, I think Malcolm--
Malcolm: Enough. E-fvcking-nough. You need to learn to shut your fvcking cave, right? Today, you have laid your first, big, fat egg of solid FVCK. You took the data loss media strategy and you ate with a lump of E. coli. And then you sprayed it our of your arse at 300mph.
Raleigh Chopper
New member
" Would you like a cup of beans Mr Partridge"
Se20
Banned
- Oct 3, 2012
- 3,981
You filthy animal
No I won't join you for a Menege a trios with your Alsatian.
Sick man
Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Garth Marenghi: Greetings traveler. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer. Most of you will probably know me already from my extensive canon of chillers, including Afterbirth, in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol. Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, a television program so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamn crazy, that the so-called powers that be became too scared to show it, and gypped me. Much in the same way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.
Dean Learner: I got a script, read it. Scared me senseless, comme d'habitudes. And I said to Garth, I looked straight into his face, I've never been afraid of holding a man's gaze - it's natural. I said "this is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap." And I do not say that lightly.
Dean Learner: I got a script, read it. Scared me senseless, comme d'habitudes. And I said to Garth, I looked straight into his face, I've never been afraid of holding a man's gaze - it's natural. I said "this is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap." And I do not say that lightly.
Dr. Notthenineo'clocknews
Remainer
"Mr Simpson, you cannot put a price on your family's safety"
"No, I wouldn't have thought that either..... but here we are"
"No, I wouldn't have thought that either..... but here we are"
anygivensunday
Active member
When Rodney wins the cornflake competition to Mallorca but gets there and discovers he has to pretend to be 14 in the groovy gang, while Del and Cassandra pretend to be his mum and dad.
Del : Hurry up, Rodders, they're getting suspicious
Rodney: I'm not going.
Holiday rep: Is he not a good mixer?
Del: A good mixer? He's like a Kenwood Chef when he gets going.
Female holiday rep, Carmen: Come on, Rodney, don't be shy. You'll soon make friends. We're all going out for a jumbo hamburger and double French fries.
Del: Ohh, that's his favourite.
Cassandra: Don't get any ketchup down your shirt
Rodney: Et tu, Cassandra?
Del : Hurry up, Rodders, they're getting suspicious
Rodney: I'm not going.
Holiday rep: Is he not a good mixer?
Del: A good mixer? He's like a Kenwood Chef when he gets going.
Female holiday rep, Carmen: Come on, Rodney, don't be shy. You'll soon make friends. We're all going out for a jumbo hamburger and double French fries.
Del: Ohh, that's his favourite.
Cassandra: Don't get any ketchup down your shirt
Rodney: Et tu, Cassandra?
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