bn1&bn3 Albion
Well-known member
Someone who stands near me home and away always lets one off it's f***ing horrible! 
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farts
- Thread starter Oddsocks
- Start date
Worthingite
Sexy Pete... :D
You have to be joking, my Mrs would break my face for me!!!! I'm big enough to admit that my mrs has a right hook like Biffa Bacon's ma!!!!
Meanwhile I have a jaw like Amir Khans....
Gullys Cats
Sausage by the sea!!!
You have to be joking, my Mrs would break my face for me!!!! I'm big enough to admit that my mrs has a right hook like Biffa Bacon's ma!!!!
Meanwhile I have a jaw like Amir Khans....
jaw like Amir Khan
The BIG and never fully answered question is........Do they FOLLOW you after you have stepped on a duck?
spongy
Well-known member
A few years back after a night out on the beer and a curry with the lads I had a dodgy stomach and my farts were stinking. Really bad.
Me and this missus went into town for some shoppping even though she knew I was feeling rough, I made it my mission to fart and stink out every shop she dragged me too, which funnily enough she didn't find funny having to move away quickly to avoid accusational looks from other shoppers,
After a while we were in Woolworths (yes, it was that long ago) and I picked up some bits and bobs and headed for the till, as I was queueing I felt one brewing but couldn't let it go as it would be obvious it was me so I hatched a plan.
My plan was to drop it just as I paid so I could then drop it and leave it with the cashier and the rest of the queue, so, as I went to pay I dropped it, a warm wet one that I knew would stink.
BUT, when the till opened the cashier realised she didn't have enough change and called for some.....DISASTER!!! I knew a stench was about to envelope us and I couldn't leave!!!!!!!!
Then the smell hit, most people just glared me, others were holding noses, others left the queue, and the cashier looked at me with such ferocity she could have dropped me dead. And as the supervisor came with the change it was like she'd walked into an imaginary wall, her arms flapped in front of her face and she exhaled and even said, and I quote "jesus Christ, what is that smell".
That's when all the others glared at me and tutted disaprovingly.
I collected my change and left feeling rather embarrassed but also chuckling to myself as I went.
True story.
Farting is funny.
Me and this missus went into town for some shoppping even though she knew I was feeling rough, I made it my mission to fart and stink out every shop she dragged me too, which funnily enough she didn't find funny having to move away quickly to avoid accusational looks from other shoppers,
After a while we were in Woolworths (yes, it was that long ago) and I picked up some bits and bobs and headed for the till, as I was queueing I felt one brewing but couldn't let it go as it would be obvious it was me so I hatched a plan.
My plan was to drop it just as I paid so I could then drop it and leave it with the cashier and the rest of the queue, so, as I went to pay I dropped it, a warm wet one that I knew would stink.
BUT, when the till opened the cashier realised she didn't have enough change and called for some.....DISASTER!!! I knew a stench was about to envelope us and I couldn't leave!!!!!!!!
Then the smell hit, most people just glared me, others were holding noses, others left the queue, and the cashier looked at me with such ferocity she could have dropped me dead. And as the supervisor came with the change it was like she'd walked into an imaginary wall, her arms flapped in front of her face and she exhaled and even said, and I quote "jesus Christ, what is that smell".
That's when all the others glared at me and tutted disaprovingly.
I collected my change and left feeling rather embarrassed but also chuckling to myself as I went.
True story.
Farting is funny.
Pure class
Northstander
Well-known member
- Oct 13, 2003
- 14,028
pasty
A different kind of pasty
Oh go on then, someone has to....
[YT]R6dm9rN6oTs[/YT]
[YT]1TtZgs8k8dU[/YT]
[YT]R6dm9rN6oTs[/YT]
[YT]1TtZgs8k8dU[/YT]
tgretton87
Shoreham Beach Seagull#2
- Jul 30, 2011
- 691
Love a good fart. Especially when you pitch it so that the office manager (whos as immature as me) can here but the old fogies in accounts on the other side of the office cannot here. Sometimes I think that it will be a quiet one but ends up sounding like a fat man on a tuba.
Years ago, in my youth, I was working for a Supermarket chain and had been promoted to Assistant Manager at a new store. First day I was given a desk in a small office together with the chief cashier and her assistant (who also happened to be her rather attractive teenage daughter). The Manager quickly introduced me to them and then left us to get aquainted. I was so proud, and more than a little nervous, sitting there at my own desk in my managers jacket and company tie. The cashier and her daughter started talking to me so I swung round confidently in my swivel chair to answer them, legs akimbo and promptly farted straight at them! Not a lot you can say in that situation, especially as it stank as well. I went bright red, mumbled "sorry about that" and made a quick exit.
kevtherev
Well-known member
The best one is to drop a silent but deadly one at the bar, then go outside for a ciggie and watch the inquest take place.
This thread is so childish - I'm loving it! My favourite is the classic old cupcake roulette! I wait until I'm in bed and the Mrs is just dropping off to sleep, fart into my clenched fist and slowly open my hand under her nose! ALWAYS gets a reaction sometimes a disgusted giggle other times a smack in the head with verbal abuse.
Talking of the unfortunate follow through scenario, I rather inconveniently followed through while sitting in my car. During the petrol protests. When I had got quite near the front of a queue at a petrol station. Obviously having queued for quite a while I didn't want to leave the queue. But I wasn't keen on the idea of filling up and paying with my pants full. Scrabbling around in the car I found some tissues, stuck my hand down the back of my trousers and did a passable clean up job. The person in the car behind must have wondered what the hell I was doing though.
There are three elements, used variably depending on the circumstances, that make a good fart:
Timing
Volume
Noxiousness
I am a master of all three domains and although I can't quite fart to order when I'm in the zone my farts invariably result in disbelief, incredulity and total disgust in equal measure
Timing
Volume
Noxiousness
I am a master of all three domains and although I can't quite fart to order when I'm in the zone my farts invariably result in disbelief, incredulity and total disgust in equal measure
Funniest fart sketch ever
[yt]A7ujmkLTGNM[/yt]
[yt]A7ujmkLTGNM[/yt]
Raleigh Chopper
New member
Tip. When you feel a good fart brewing up put your hands down the back of your trouser and pull your arse cheeks as wide apart as you can, by doing this it will incrase the volocity and volume of the fart by 50 per cent at least.
It's not it's f***ing awful. Women should NOT fart.
PFJ
Not the JPF ..splitters !
I remember a few years ago in Sainsburys . I could feel one brewing . I was with my wife and child at the time . I knew it was going to be big. So I decided to press my arse cheeks against one of those open freezers that normally hold the frozen peas, in an attempt to cusion and possibly stifle any kind of noise .
Unfortunatly , rather than stifle , the open freezer acted as some kind of amplifier.
The result , a very loud deep bass fart that could be heard from aisle 1 all the way down to aisle 20.
Unfortunatly , rather than stifle , the open freezer acted as some kind of amplifier.
The result , a very loud deep bass fart that could be heard from aisle 1 all the way down to aisle 20.
fruitnveg
Well-known member
I Agree. Some of the most potent, weapons grade farts i've ever had the misfortune of smelling have come from the fairer sex.