jonnyboylennon
New member
This is, apparently, a real compaint letter to NTL. Anyone who has experienced the delights of NTL will no doubt sympathise.
> > > Dear Cretins:
> > > I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
> > > your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
> > > monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered
> > > inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible,
> > > as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
> > > Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
> > pursue
> > > your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties
> > -- or
> > > more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading
> > > material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> > > vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
> > >
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
> > > annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
> > > website. HOW?
> > >
> > > I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
> > > minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
> > > highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
> > > weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
> > > vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
> > >
> > > Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
> > > telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I
> > > had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
> > > server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
> > > midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still
> > > waiting for my telephone connection.
> > >
> > > I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
> > > been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals
> > > who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been
> > > informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me
> > > back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
> > > a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
> > > transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering
> > > machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
> > > transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
> > > Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
> > >
> > > Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
> > > a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
> > > one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
> > >
> > > Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
> > > my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
> > > music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
> > >
> > > I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
> > > piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
> > > ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive
to
> > > delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
> > > because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
> > >
> > > How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
> > > dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
> > > you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
> > > incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --
> > > shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
> > > seemingly limitless inadequacy.
> > >
> > > Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
> > > quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
> > > cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> > > services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> > > deliver. Any such activity will
> > > be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be
> > > replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
> > >
> > > I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
> > > litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
> > > both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
> > > not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist
> > > at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
> > > if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
> > > Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
> > > worthless employees.
> > >
> > > Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives,
you
> > > irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
> > > Dear Cretins:
> > > I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
> > > your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm
> > > monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered
> > > inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible,
> > > as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.
> > > Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
> > pursue
> > > your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties
> > -- or
> > > more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining
reading
> > > material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
> > > vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
> > >
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in
my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
> > > annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
> > > website. HOW?
> > >
> > > I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
> > > minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and
> > > highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two
> > > weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of
> > > vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
> > >
> > > Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15
> > > telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I
> > > had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet
> > > server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and
> > > midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still
> > > waiting for my telephone connection.
> > >
> > > I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
> > > been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested
individuals
> > > who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been
> > > informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me
> > > back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not
> > > a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
> > > transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering
> > > machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
> > > transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
> > > Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
> > >
> > > Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
> > > a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
> > > one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.
> > >
> > > Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice
> > > my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold
> > > music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
> > >
> > > I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy
> > > piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere,
> > > ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive
to
> > > delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and
> > > because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
> > >
> > > How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
> > > dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards
> > > you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum
> > > incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are --
> > > shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your
> > > seemingly limitless inadequacy.
> > >
> > > Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
> > > quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you
> > > cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
> > > services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
> > > deliver. Any such activity will
> > > be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be
> > > replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
> > >
> > > I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's
> > > litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
> > > both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
> > > not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist
> > > at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment
> > > if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.
> > > Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its
> > > worthless employees.
> > >
> > > Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives,
you
> > > irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.
