Bell Cheeses at work

[Nibble]

Urgh, used to work with a woman years ago. I remember the first time I saw her she was sat down. She was vaguely attractive with quite a healthy rack of sweater meat on her average sized frame. The she stood up. Hell's Bells. The arse and thighs on this beast! I've never seen such a contrast. She was always waddling up to the vending machine and kind of turning and looking at everyone, half smiling, half grimacing and always used to say "oh, I really shouldn't but they've got Boosts in this week" or similar.
She then got a boyfriend in the company, slim bloke, never used to eat much crap.
Within 3 months he was as chubby and blobby as her. The feasts these two would bring back to the staff room. 2 Subways each. Or family bucket from KFC between them or similar, proceed to spread out the crinkly opaque wrappers, napkins, hand wipes, chips, side dishes, corn cobs etc , come telly taking over the only table as if it was their place and they were about to have guests over for a takeaway. It was a really, really small staff room too.
She would look at me with the standard tuna salad or whatnot that Mrs Nibble had prepared so I don't but crap for lunch, and say
"I dunno how you get through the day on that"
It's a normal, human, mammalian portion FFS. I don't know how they get through the sheer food they do at lunch but I never said owt. I did genuinely have to leave the room sometimes as watching them eat used to put me off my own food.
Licking of fingers, smacking of lips, tendrils of battered chicken hanging off chins, chips and coleslaw blobs flying onto the carpet, napkins stained with the butter drips from corncobs used briefly then dropped to the floor. Urgh.
Then of course it was a trip to the vending machine.
Strange thing is, I actually liked the pair of them. Good people but absolute monsters when food was concerned.

 

[MattBackHome]

Talking of virgins (on this thread) ...

As mentioned by a few others, this thread is pure therapy. I once tried to share it with a US colleague but they couldn't make head nor tail of it which cheered me up immensely for some reason. Anyways, my tale is a little darker than all the noisome individuals previously exposed on here but I do offer three bell-cheeses for the price of one. So here goes ...

BC1 = ex-Army (wanker)
BC2 = ex-Navy (precious, fragile, snide)
BC3 = VP Sales (pig-snout-trough)

BC1 tells me "off the record" that one of my newbies has seriously screwed up a project. But, not to worry, he has covered my arse on this one. BC2 who works for someone else sidles up to me and, "off the record", corroborates BC1's story. This version of events (ex-warriors saving my bacon) gains currency over the next few days and is now the accepted truth in the organisation. The project is some insignificant pile of crap that no one gives a sh1t about except BC3 who thinks it's the stuff of (wet) dreams.

A week later pouty fat breathless sweaty BC3 (the one who slurps, squeaks, dribbles and slops as he waddles past like a senile flatulent bloodhound) lets me know "off the record" that he was at the meeting where it all kicked off and (think Texan accent) "my, they were rough with your guy. Jeez, I felt uncomfortable just being there. It was like watching bullies in the schoolyard. But I gotta tell ya ... your man stood up to 'em good and true. He really went up several notches in ma estimation the way he handled them. Dun't make sense to me why they all wuz picking on 'im but but I reckons BC1 and BC2 were waving their dicks at the foxy lady from the software company. Just thought you should know. You've got a good 'un there and, hey, I'll support you in whaddever you choose to do." Did I mention his wet handshake and the large circles under his arms? It's too late. Newbie is a dead-man walking, poor sod, and will shortly come to know the meaning of 'Kafkaesque'.

As for BC3... What. A. C**T. Will he still support me when I staple his moist ruby lips together, thus forcing him to drown in his own slobber, sweat, blood and snot?

Feck me, I'm living in a grotesque parody of a Dilbert cartoon

This is magnificent.

 

[Brian Fantana]

Urgh, used to work with a woman years ago. I remember the first time I saw her she was sat down. She was vaguely attractive with quite a healthy rack of sweater meat on her average sized frame. The she stood up. Hell's Bells. The arse and thighs on this beast! I've never seen such a contrast. She was always waddling up to the vending machine and kind of turning and looking at everyone, half smiling, half grimacing and always used to say "oh, I really shouldn't but they've got Boosts in this week" or similar.
She then got a boyfriend in the company, slim bloke, never used to eat much crap.
Within 3 months he was as chubby and blobby as her. The feasts these two would bring back to the staff room. 2 Subways each. Or family bucket from KFC between them or similar, proceed to spread out the crinkly opaque wrappers, napkins, hand wipes, chips, side dishes, corn cobs etc , come telly taking over the only table as if it was their place and they were about to have guests over for a takeaway. It was a really, really small staff room too.
She would look at me with the standard tuna salad or whatnot that Mrs Nibble had prepared so I don't but crap for lunch, and say
"I dunno how you get through the day on that"
It's a normal, human, mammalian portion FFS. I don't know how they get through the sheer food they do at lunch but I never said owt. I did genuinely have to leave the room sometimes as watching them eat used to put me off my own food.
Licking of fingers, smacking of lips, tendrils of battered chicken hanging off chins, chips and coleslaw blobs flying onto the carpet, napkins stained with the butter drips from corncobs used briefly then dropped to the floor. Urgh.
Then of course it was a trip to the vending machine.
Strange thing is, I actually liked the pair of them. Good people but absolute monsters when food was concerned.

You've painted a beautiful, if slightly nausea-inducing, picture there. Good work.

 

[Gwylan]

Talking of virgins (on this thread) ...

As mentioned by a few others, this thread is pure therapy. I once tried to share it with a US colleague but they couldn't make head nor tail of it which cheered me up immensely for some reason. Anyways, my tale is a little darker than all the noisome individuals previously exposed on here but I do offer three bell-cheeses for the price of one. So here goes ...

BC1 = ex-Army (wanker)
BC2 = ex-Navy (precious, fragile, snide)
BC3 = VP Sales (pig-snout-trough)

BC1 tells me "off the record" that one of my newbies has seriously screwed up a project. But, not to worry, he has covered my arse on this one. BC2 who works for someone else sidles up to me and, "off the record", corroborates BC1's story. This version of events (ex-warriors saving my bacon) gains currency over the next few days and is now the accepted truth in the organisation. The project is some insignificant pile of crap that no one gives a sh1t about except BC3 who thinks it's the stuff of (wet) dreams.

A week later pouty fat breathless sweaty BC3 (the one who slurps, squeaks, dribbles and slops as he waddles past like a senile flatulent bloodhound) lets me know "off the record" that he was at the meeting where it all kicked off and (think Texan accent) "my, they were rough with your guy. Jeez, I felt uncomfortable just being there. It was like watching bullies in the schoolyard. But I gotta tell ya ... your man stood up to 'em good and true. He really went up several notches in ma estimation the way he handled them. Dun't make sense to me why they all wuz picking on 'im but but I reckons BC1 and BC2 were waving their dicks at the foxy lady from the software company. Just thought you should know. You've got a good 'un there and, hey, I'll support you in whaddever you choose to do." Did I mention his wet handshake and the large circles under his arms? It's too late. Newbie is a dead-man walking, poor sod, and will shortly come to know the meaning of 'Kafkaesque'.

As for BC3... What. A. C**T. Will he still support me when I staple his moist ruby lips together, thus forcing him to drown in his own slobber, sweat, blood and snot?

Feck me, I'm living in a grotesque parody of a Dilbert cartoon

Top post.

This is fast becoming my favourite NSC thread ever. Although I do wonder whether the NSCers get described in unflattering terms on other websites - Crisp-eatersWorld.com or Welovedogsinoffice.co.uk for example

 

[spring hall convert]

when the enormous mass of keys she seemingly carries around in her hand all day long gets dumped on the table to tell everyone that she's arrived.

People that use bunches of keys as status symbols, scum of the earth.

 

[Postman Pat]

Absolutely. Many years ago I worked with a girl who must have been 20 stone and looked like Brian Moore, the rugby player. Her lunch - EVERY DAY - was some sort of jumbo baguette slathered in mayo, TWO packs of crisps and a Diet Coke.

Sake.

Yup, I concur. Irritant here drinks gallons of the stuff in some weird belief that the diet element is somehow eating the calories in the king size twix she has polished off 30 seconds earlier.

The hilarious thing is, pretty much every time, she buys the bigger twix as it is "only 30p more than the normal", she eats one bar and claims to be saving the other one until the following day, hence a 40p saving..... I have never seen the second bar last more than 5 minutes before it follows the first.

 

[Badger]

Top post.

This is fast becoming my favourite NSC thread ever. Although I do wonder whether the NSCers get described in unflattering terms on other websites - Crisp-eatersWorld.com or Welovedogsinoffice.co.uk for example

Actually the owner of the IRRITATING dog is a massive fan of Land Rovers, so I reckon there's a thread on a Land Rover forum titled "Quiet, irritable, non dog owners at work". What is slightly amusing is the new guy sitting next him attempting to have conversations about sport, his life is taken over with STUPID dogs and Land Rovers so he has absolutely no knowledge of ANY sport. The new guy does keep persevering with this though.


Aaaaand it's parcel packing time again

 

[8ace]

People that use bunches of keys as status symbols, scum of the earth.

I always assume they are into swinging.

 

[spring hall convert]

Absolutely. Many years ago I worked with a girl who must have been 20 stone and looked like Brian Moore, the rugby player. Her lunch - EVERY DAY - was some sort of jumbo baguette slathered in mayo, TWO packs of crisps and a Diet Coke.

Sake.

http://www.nhs.uk/news/2014/01January/Pages/Do-diet-drinks-really-make-you-fatter.aspx

 

[WATFORD zero]

http://www.nhs.uk/news/2014/01January/Pages/Do-diet-drinks-really-make-you-fatter.aspx

So the medical profession has done a long term investigation into lardarses to come up with the same result that all NSC posters on this thread have known for years

 

[pasty]

Had to find this thread today.

I am currently trying to create an excel report for a client, creating the excel from scratch using a combination of jxl and one of the most complicated cross database sql queries I have ever written. The code is driving me nuts, the values coming back from sql do not appear to be right, the formatting of %ages from jxl into an spreadsheet isn't working properly, none of the calculations are right and I have just received the following email from the senior project manager on this project expressing her major concern.....

I’m assuming the appropriate cells will be <company name> branded and the colours changed

This is absolutely TEXTBOOK from an IT project manager. You can spend DAYS working on some really clever and massively complicated code to try and meet the specifications, then they look at it and the thing they're really impressed with is that you've made the title green.

On the flip side, when you haven't got to write any complex code behind the scenes, you can spend 10 minutes ARSING about with the look-and-feel and stick your feet up for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge that they're going to be BLOWN AWAY by your changes. This is pretty much what I've been doing for the last 2 weeks.

Ah IT Project Management. That could be a thread all of it's own.

A while ago I had to provide a list of translations of some of values from our system. I had to have one column for each translation. English, Swedish, German, Norwegian etc... I made the column heading cells have the colour scheme of the flags of each country and the PM nearly lost their bloody mind. "Wow it's so easy to read! You even made it the right colours for each country! You SUPERSTAR!! Thanks!!!" They bloody LOVE colours.

In stark contrast to the "Hi, just a SMALL REQUEST. Can you JUST get xyz out of the database for me? I have absolutely zero knowledge of what effort this will require and I know it's a vague requirement so you'll have to mail me 3 times and call me once to find out what I actually want. But it SHOULDN'T TAKE YOU TOO LONG" 400 lines of SQL later I get... Thanks, but is it possible to get yzx instead? If it's too much effort I can always just get the info myself it from the reporting system"

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

So, here we are nearly two months later, and I have just been given the feedback from the client. The report does not meet their expectations, does not contain relevant information, is "too fussy" to read, contains too many individual tabs when what they wanted was information all on a single tab, and is quite basically absolutely NOTHING like what they requested. Turns out the PM had designed the report herself, not checked the layout with the client, and had not been reviewing drafts I created with the client.

It is a bloody good job I am wfh today

 

[daveinprague]

There was a episode of the hefty on J,Springer show way back that has always stayed in my mind. They all had the same excuses. Genes, big bones etc, and some woman got up in the audience to tell them....no, its not Genes, its not big bones, youre eating too much, and not exercising enough. No fat people walked out of Auschwitz.

 

[brightonrock]

Textbook fattery.

This morning I have been passive-aggressively ENCOURAGED to sponsor the token LARDBUCKET to go TWO WHOLE WEEKS without DIET Pepsi. Apparently she will only be drinking WATER which she doesn't EVEN like. This is to raise money to SAVE her local BUS service which is being cut by the council. She lives five MINUTES from our office. There's so many separate moving parts to this scheme that INFURIATE me, I don't know how to REFUSE without committing a RAGE crime.

 

[Hiney]

This thread is quite simply, MAGNIFICENT.

After years of working in an office and being subjected to this type of SHIT, I am so happy to be working on my own, in the peaceful, tranquil surroundings of a local Village Hall.

Mrs Hiney, on the other hand, faces, on a daily basis, the type of behaviour that fully deserves a punch in the face. She works in a local Pharmacy and one of her colleagues, an absolute TROLL of a woman, the result of the union between an ORC and an AMOEBA, is behaving in a ridiculous manner.

Firstly, this woman drives to work. Not unusual you may say, but she lives literally 50 YARDS from the Pharmacy. Yes, 50 ****ing yards. She lives in a house, but is now looking for a flat because she can't be ARSED to carry her DOG upstairs. She takes lazy to whole new levels.

She goes on cruise holidays with her sister and parents and they spend most of the time in their CABIN, because she 'can't be bothered to walk round and see what's going on' They NEVER get off the boat at any of the stop-offs because they are so FAT and LAZY. What is the actual POINT.

At work, this 'woman' is the dispenser and is blatantly RUDE to customers. One came in the other day and asked if her prescription was ready. TROLL-WOMAN asked when she submitted the request and when the customer told her it was less than a day ago, she rolled her eyes and said (under her breath but in a typically loud WHEEZY drone) "Well it won't be ****ing ready if you only put it in then".

Despite being generously proportioned, this woman is constantly COLD, to the level that yesterday ( a HOT day), Mrs H went back after lunch to find that TROLL-WOMAN had put the HEATING on.

Unbelievable scenes.

I feel this could run and run.

 

[Badger]

This thread is quite simply, MAGNIFICENT.

After years of working in an office and being subjected to this type of SHIT, I am so happy to be working on my own, in the peaceful, tranquil surroundings of a local Village Hall.

Mrs Hiney, on the other hand, faces, on a daily basis, the type of behaviour that fully deserves a punch in the face. She works in a local Pharmacy and one of her colleagues, an absolute TROLL of a woman, the result of the union between an ORC and an AMOEBA, is behaving in a ridiculous manner.

Firstly, this woman drives to work. Not unusual you may say, but she lives literally 50 YARDS from the Pharmacy. Yes, 50 ****ing yards. She lives in a house, but is now looking for a flat because she can't be ARSED to carry her DOG upstairs. She takes lazy to whole new levels.

She goes on cruise holidays with her sister and parents and they spend most of the time in their CABIN, because she 'can't be bothered to walk round and see what's going on' They NEVER get off the boat at any of the stop-offs because they are so FAT and LAZY. What is the actual POINT.

At work, this 'woman' is the dispenser and is blatantly RUDE to customers. One came in the other day and asked if her prescription was ready. TROLL-WOMAN asked when she submitted the request and when the customer told her it was less than a day ago, she rolled her eyes and said (under her breath but in a typically loud WHEEZY drone) "Well it won't be ****ing ready if you only put it in then".

Despite being generously proportioned, this woman is constantly COLD, to the level that yesterday ( a HOT day), Mrs H went back after lunch to find that TROLL-WOMAN had put the HEATING on.

Unbelievable scenes.

I feel this could run and run.

Oh well played you've certainly passed the "I HATE this woman more and MORE as I read your post" test.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

This thread is quite simply, MAGNIFICENT.

After years of working in an office and being subjected to this type of SHIT, I am so happy to be working on my own, in the peaceful, tranquil surroundings of a local Village Hall.

Mrs Hiney, on the other hand, faces, on a daily basis, the type of behaviour that fully deserves a punch in the face. She works in a local Pharmacy and one of her colleagues, an absolute TROLL of a woman, the result of the union between an ORC and an AMOEBA, is behaving in a ridiculous manner.

Firstly, this woman drives to work. Not unusual you may say, but she lives literally 50 YARDS from the Pharmacy. Yes, 50 ****ing yards. She lives in a house, but is now looking for a flat because she can't be ARSED to carry her DOG upstairs. She takes lazy to whole new levels.

She goes on cruise holidays with her sister and parents and they spend most of the time in their CABIN, because she 'can't be bothered to walk round and see what's going on' They NEVER get off the boat at any of the stop-offs because they are so FAT and LAZY. What is the actual POINT.

At work, this 'woman' is the dispenser and is blatantly RUDE to customers. One came in the other day and asked if her prescription was ready. TROLL-WOMAN asked when she submitted the request and when the customer told her it was less than a day ago, she rolled her eyes and said (under her breath but in a typically loud WHEEZY drone) "Well it won't be ****ing ready if you only put it in then".

Despite being generously proportioned, this woman is constantly COLD, to the level that yesterday ( a HOT day), Mrs H went back after lunch to find that TROLL-WOMAN had put the HEATING on.

Unbelievable scenes.

I feel this could run and run.

Well she sounds like someone that can provide some regular, and entertaining, stories (whilst providing cathartic release of course). Excellent stuff!

I feel almost left out in that the major office irritants are all currently on holiday (thankfully not together, diplomatic incident waiting to happen) so, whilst it's lovely and calm/quiet I have nothing to contribute but sympathy and a knowing nod. Humph.

 

[Brian Fantana]

This thread is quite simply, MAGNIFICENT.

After years of working in an office and being subjected to this type of SHIT, I am so happy to be working on my own, in the peaceful, tranquil surroundings of a local Village Hall.

Mrs Hiney, on the other hand, faces, on a daily basis, the type of behaviour that fully deserves a punch in the face. She works in a local Pharmacy and one of her colleagues, an absolute TROLL of a woman, the result of the union between an ORC and an AMOEBA, is behaving in a ridiculous manner.

Firstly, this woman drives to work. Not unusual you may say, but she lives literally 50 YARDS from the Pharmacy. Yes, 50 ****ing yards. She lives in a house, but is now looking for a flat because she can't be ARSED to carry her DOG upstairs. She takes lazy to whole new levels.

She goes on cruise holidays with her sister and parents and they spend most of the time in their CABIN, because she 'can't be bothered to walk round and see what's going on' They NEVER get off the boat at any of the stop-offs because they are so FAT and LAZY. What is the actual POINT.

At work, this 'woman' is the dispenser and is blatantly RUDE to customers. One came in the other day and asked if her prescription was ready. TROLL-WOMAN asked when she submitted the request and when the customer told her it was less than a day ago, she rolled her eyes and said (under her breath but in a typically loud WHEEZY drone) "Well it won't be ****ing ready if you only put it in then".

Despite being generously proportioned, this woman is constantly COLD, to the level that yesterday ( a HOT day), Mrs H went back after lunch to find that TROLL-WOMAN had put the HEATING on.

Unbelievable scenes.

I feel this could run and run.

Step aboard, Sire. This is indeed for you.

GREAT start.

 

[Brian Fantana]

There was utter OUTRAGE today when something was stolen from one of the communal fridges on our floor. Unfortunately for the thief, the victim was the prawn cocktail woman who haunts the early part of this thread. She proceeded to waddle around the office for most of the afternoon, like a cross between Fat ******* from Austin Powers and Miss Marple, interogating potential suspects. Her sleuthing genuinely included interrupting our FD's weekly 1-2-1 with the MD to enquire if either of them had seen her weightwatchers toffee yoghurt. Given her appetite and current physique, adopting the tactic of Weightwatchers desserts is like trying to stop a sinking ship with a plaster. Grade A bellendery all round.

Occasionally in life, you get utterly GLORIOUS moments.

After yesterday's performance, I am glad to report that several members of our floor have, without collaboration, brought in their own individual weightwatchers toffee yoghurts and placed them prominently on their desks.

Quite magnificent scenes. It actually brings a tear to the eye.

 

[Simster]

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH

So, here we are nearly two months later, and I have just been given the feedback from the client. The report does not meet their expectations, does not contain relevant information, is "too fussy" to read, contains too many individual tabs when what they wanted was information all on a single tab, and is quite basically absolutely NOTHING like what they requested. Turns out the PM had designed the report herself, not checked the layout with the client, and had not been reviewing drafts I created with the client.

It is a bloody good job I am wfh today

 

[Badger]

Occasionally in life, you get utterly GLORIOUS moments.

After yesterday's performance, I am glad to report that several members of our floor have, without collaboration, brought in their own individual weightwatchers toffee yoghurts and placed them prominently on their desks.

Quite magnificent scenes. It actually brings a tear to the eye.

Oh that is SUPERB, I hope they all eat them in tandem in front of LARD FEATURES. It's great when the DECENT people can come together as one.