A penguin walks into a bar...

[Biscuit]

...and asks the bartender if he has any plums.
The bartender, confused, tells the penguin that no, his bar doesn't serve plums. The penguin thanks him and leaves. The next day, the penguin returns, and again repeats his request for plums. Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve plums, has never served plums, and, furthermore, will never serve plums. The penguin, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the penguin returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: "Listen, penguin! This is a bar! We do not serve plums! If you ever ask for plums again, I will nail your stupid penguin beak to the bar!" The penguin is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Do you have any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says "No." "Good!" says the penguin. "Then do you have any plums?"

 

[Robot Chicken]

 

[Biscuit]

A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream.

Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream!"

 

[Gull Downunder]

It's a duck and it's bread!

What's with the penguin jokes?

 

[glosterseagull]

In west midland safari park some louts chucked a penguin in the lion's enclosure......it was ok tho, cos they couldnt get the wrapper off!

 

[pasty]

Breaking news

Penguin victim of violence in biscuit tin

Today, a penguin was hit over the head by a bandit with a club , who then made a breakaway in a taxi .

 

[Icy Gull]

Not a penguin joke but


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

[DTES]

It's a duck and it's bread!

YES! Absolutely!

Although Biscuit has to talk about Penguins, they're all Jaffa Cakes.

 

[Rambo]

Not a penguin joke but


A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

That is quality

 

[The Large One]

A lunatic escapes the asylum.

His first act is to go to a launderette, where he charms the three women working there, and shags all of them in quick succession. When he has finished, not waiting to hang around, he legs it out of there as fast as he can.

Naturally, the women are upset, and the police are called. The reporter for the local paper also turns up to get the story. Next day, he runs the story with the headline "Nut screws washers and bolts..."

 

[Lord Cornwallis]

2 penguins sitting in a pub and a horse walks in and orders a pint. One penguin turns to the other and says,"Bloody hell, did you see that. A talking horse"

 

[The Large One]

You have to say this gag, or it doesn't work...

Bear walks into a bar, and says to the barman, "A pint of
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Guinness, please.

The barman says "Why the big pause?"

 

[Icy Gull]

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"



A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw

 

[Rambo]

A bloke walks into a pub with his mate, a pissed up giraffe.
The giraffe orders a double whisky, downs it and collapses in drunken state on the floor.
The bloke ups and leaves and the barman shouts, are you going to leave that lying there?

Its not a lion its a giraffe said the bloke.

Sounds better when you tell it, honest.

Coat, hat, taxi, gone................

 

[Biscuit]

 

[Lord Bracknell]

A small, white duck walks into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a pint of bitter and says to the bartender "listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site over the road. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a drink, so how about a discount or something?" The duck then downs the beer, jumps off the stool and goes out.

The bartender is shocked. He's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: "Listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar. Come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself".

So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a pint of bitter. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: "Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I wan't to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a mobile phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want".

The duck considers his offer for a moment and says "So you're a circus owner, right?"
"Right"
"And your circus is one of those big tents, right?"
"Right."
"With a sandy arena in the middle?"
"Yes"
"And with rows of seats around?"
"Correct"
.
.
.
.
.
.
"So what the f*** do you need a bricklayer for?"

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Girl walks into a bar, and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one.

 

[BRIGHT ON Q]

How do you make a soul singer out of a duck?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
put it in the microwave and cook it till its Bill Withers.

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Duck walks into the chemist and asks for some lipstick. Assistant says 'that'll be £3.45 please'. Duck says 'Put it on my bill'

 

[Biscuit]

2 penguins sitting in a pub and a horse walks in and orders a pint. One penguin turns to the other and says,"Bloody hell, did you see that. A talking horse"

This thread is cracking me up! More jokes!