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This is not an aPEELing thread about fruit related death

Are you auditioning for the next series of Grumpy Old Men Easy?

Problem with England is that there are lots of talented musicians, but no conductor on the pitch.

I suspect that Argentina, Brazil and Holland will defend a goal lead by aiming to score another goal

Keith Richards recommends using a piece of liver with a slit in it as a marturbatory toy. He claims it is just as good as a shag, but that you don't have to talk to it afterwards about the fact that you respect it.

Six months ago we were booing Crouch, now the 'greatest fans in the world' have taken to giving Hargreaves their special treatment. What utter twats, surely as fans we should aim to motivate the players, but instead we give one of them the bird. I know he has not shone for England, but he is...

WRONG, all DAGOES make dodgy keepers, it says so in the little Englander handbook that TYDESLEY keeps by his bedside

Psycho, Big Sam and Gullit look a useful team, but Jonathan Pearce is far better than TYDESLEY

Two Klosse for comfort Wanchope one-two not enough Jurgen to win the group for Germany Simon Jordan is a twat Poles not dancing after shocker Kraut off the blocks fast

I read his weird autobiog written with his mate who plays park football. He comes across as an intelligent and genuinely good bloke..................but very very dull

If Peter Taylor rejected the Charlton job in the Prem why would he want to work a division lower for Tangoman?

....on who is the most boring 'expert' at the WC. Gareth Southgate has taken the crown, he makes Sven seem as animated as Barry Fry on Speed, "Errr.......um......that was an interesting throw in". And that is before you take into account his former crimes against the community

Jemima Spunkbubble originally, but Chopper for about the last 8 years

They asked him to sign his name on the medical release form, apparently after 30 minutes he is near to completing the 'y' of Wayne. Could be a long wait.

Playing CRICKET

Only four inches apparently

Now that the West Pier has burnt down why not build it there?

Back to the subject matter, I would like to see Kylie shit in a bucket.

£500 on France at 14-1

Did you feel that we were cheats in 2002 when Owen dived for the penalty against the Argies? And if so, does that make the victory a) Slightly hollow b) Even more enjoyable because two wrongs do make a right in a bittersweet way!