Jokes?

[Hiney]

What do you call two rows of cabbages?
A dual cabbageway

 

[Algernon]

What's white and wears yellow checked trousers?

Rupert the fridge.

 

[Trufflehound]

What's E.T. short for?


He's only got little legs.

 

[Muzzy]

Bumped into a mate the other day and he was telling me how his wife had popped out just before Christmas for some veggies for dinner and hadn't returned since!

Blimey I said. What did you do about it?
Opened a tin of peas he replied!

 

[Trevor]

Man went to the doctors.
"What seems to be the trouble?" the doctor asks
"I have a strawberry stuck up my bum" replies the embarrassed patient.
"Ooh, no worries, I have some cream for that!" replied the doctor, rather cheekily.

Man went to the doctors.
"What seems to be the trouble?" the doctor asks
"I have a lettuce stuck up my bum" replies the embarrassed patient.
"Hmm, I'm afraid that's just the tip of the iceberg!" replied the doctor, rather cheekily.

 

[EDS]

2 men are fishing, miles away from any TV, mobile signal or radio, and one says to other "Crystal Palace have lost yet again".
His mate isn't surprised in the least, but asked "How the hell do you know that?"
The first man replies "Because it's 5 o'clock".

The fire brigade phones Tony Bloom in the early hours of the morning...

"Mr Bloom sir, The Amex is on fire!" "The cups! Save the cups!" cries Tony. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

 

[Spun Cuppa]

Bloke in a club says to a cracker in skin-tight Levis, 'How DO you get into those jeans?', to which she replies, 'Buying me a couple of Smirnoff Ices normally does it...'

 

[Ludensian Gull]

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said ' is this your wife sir ' Shocked i, i answered' yes ' They said ' I'm afraid it looks like she has been hit by a bus ' I said ' I know but she has a lovely personality'

 

[supaseagull]

The fire brigade phones Steve Parish in the early hours of the morning...

"Mr Parish sir, Selhurst is on fire!" "The cups! Save the cups!" cries Steve. "Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

i've corrected it for you, or was thinking...

The Fire Brigade notices a fire at Selhurst....They just left it.

 

[Spun Cuppa]

Imagine my surprise when I noticed myself in the background of a picture on the front cover of the NME, of REM at an awards show I attended. That's me in the corner...

 

[DanielT]

i've corrected it for you, or was thinking...

The Fire Brigade notices a fire at Selhurst....They just left it.

and it caused £3000 of improvements

 

[EDS]

i've corrected it for you, or was thinking...

The Fire Brigade notices a fire at Selhurst....They just left it.

Dont give up the day job

 

[Socialist Sid]

Imagine my surprise when I noticed myself in the background of a picture on the front cover of the NME, of REM at an awards show I attended. That's me in the corner...

My ex always reckoned that I had an obsession with The Monkees and I totally denied such a thing.

But then I saw her face...

 

[Spun Cuppa]

i've corrected it for you, or was thinking...

The Fire Brigade notices a fire at Selhurst....They just left it.

A seconded East Sussex firefighter did the decent thing and poured 10 000 gallons of...






Unleaded on it

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

 

[supaseagull]

Dont give up the day job

Ahh see that's where we differ...I work in an office whereas I would not consider going round to people houses asking if they want their driveways tarmacced a "job" whereas you do.

 

[Rugrat]

5 football Managers in Bar ... Mourinho, Wenger, Moyes, Rodgers and Oscar

The first round was Mourinho's so he bought them all a glass of Port
The second round was Wenger's and he bought them all a glass of red wine
Rodgers then bought the next round, a Welsh Beer
Oscar then gets up and buys them all a San Miguel except Moyes

Moyes complains to Oscar "hey Oscar, where's mine?"

Oscar replies, "sorry David, you're not in the fourth round"

 

[EDS]

Ahh see that's where we differ...I work in an office whereas I would not consider going round to people houses asking if they want their driveways tarmacced a "job" whereas you do.

I bet it does not involve any writing. I do not work in an office apart from my one at home, but I can spell tarmacked.

 

[Guy Fawkes]

Why did the elephant paint his balls red?
- So he could hide in a cherry tree

What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
- A giraffe eating cherries

 

[Guy Fawkes]

The fire brigade phones Steve Parish in the early hours of the morning...

"Mr Parish sir, Selhurst is on fire! - Do you want us to try to save the cups?" asks the fireman "Uh" say Parish "Don't worry, we never got around to replacing the contents of the canteen after our last administration"

Corrected for you