[Humour] King for a day - 5 Rules

[Guinness Boy]

You get to be King (or Queen) of the United Kingdom for a day and make 5 irreversible laws. What are they?

Mine:

The playing of Sweet Caroline out loud to be punishable by death.

Gregg Wallace to be made to tour Saudi Arabia in a Lady Gaga style shirt made of pork, with the words “big bold flavours” on the back of it.

The National Anthem to be replaced on a regional basis. Anywhere south of Birmingham city centre to be adopt The Archers theme tune as per Billy Connolly’s suggestion and anywhere north of that to adopt National Shite Day by Half Man Half Biscuit as suggested by NSC.

Southern Trains uniforms to be changed to clown outfits.

The serving of Pickled Onion Monster Munch to be made compulsory at Royal Garden Parties.


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[AmexRuislip]

1. Philip Schofield to be banned from all TV and radio.

2. Football pundits to be stoned to death, if they keep using old cliché Albion stats for airtime fill in.

3. Uxbridge to be twinned wirh Jaywick.

4. The casts of Made In Chelsea and TOWIE to permanently swap locations and accents.

5. [MENTION=11350]LamieRobertson[/MENTION] to understand the meaning of hard work

 

[MattBackHome]

1. Parliament and Royal Court to be relocated to Coventry. Westminster, Kensington, Buckingham Palaces all become museums and tourist traps. I as King will retain my grace and favour in Portslade so it's handy for the football.

2. Blanket ban on Oreos in all forms. Nationalise Chocolate Bourbons and chuck money at them instead.

3. Knighthood for Ronnie O Sullivan

4. Pay teachers, nurses, police etc properly. Index link it to something or other.

5. New law: If you don't pick up your dog shit in public you will have YOUR ****ing nose rubbed in it, not your dogs.

 

[Guinness Boy]

1. Philip Schofield to be banned from all TV and radio.

2. Football pundits to be stoned to death, if they keep using old cliché Albion stats for airtime fill in.

3. Uxbridge to be twinned with Jaywick.

These three are bang on.

 

[Guinness Boy]

3. Knighthood for Ronnie O Sullivan

4. Pay teachers, nurses, police etc properly. Index link it to something or other.

5. New law: If you don't pick up your dog shit in public you will have YOUR ****ing nose rubbed in it, not your dogs.

And these three......

 

[LamieRobertson]

1. Philip Schofield to be banned from all TV and radio.

2. Football pundits to be stoned to death, if they keep using old cliché Albion stats for airtime fill in.

3. Uxbridge to be twinned wirh Jaywick.

4. The casts of Made In Chelsea and TOWIE to permanently swap locations and accents.

5. [MENTION=11350]LamieRobertson[/MENTION] to understand the meaning of hard work

..I take it you are at work this evening

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

1. All state education secular (no cash for religious schools)

2. No tax breaks for private schools (they are not 'charities')

3. Voting age to be aligned with age of consent. I think that's sixteen, innit?

4. The right to vote replaced by a qualification based on passing an exam on a few basic fundamentals. Like the UK citizenship exam but a bit more rigorous.

5. Voting by the eligible to be compulsory - with the option to put an X in a box for 'nobody', with no representative for the constituency (local or national elections) if 'nobody' wins.

I could go on but five was the limit.

 

[AmexRuislip]

..I take it you are at work this evening

Took you long enough

No....

 

[studio150]

1. Any politician who fails to answer the question posed in any interview or in Parliament is immediately sacked and loses all benefits
2. Where provided cyclist must use cycle lanes and failure to do so will see there cycles destroyed and they must spend 3 months being school crossing guards
3. Any train that is more than one minute late means a 100% ticket refund for all passengers, will refund increasing by 10 percentage points for every additional 5 minute period.
4. All football ST holders guaranteed a day off work/school when their team is playing either home or away (in addition to standard holiday entitlement)
5. All chocolate bars to be returned to their 1970s size and price.

 

[LamieRobertson]

Took you long enough

No....

…oh logged in using next doors Wi-Fi? ..I was busy doing business paperwork….unlike some I have a demanding job

 

[LamieRobertson]

Took you long enough

No....

How’s your asparagus

 

[rogersix]

1. All state education secular (no cash for religious schools)

2. No tax breaks for private schools (they are not 'charities')

3. Voting age to be aligned with age of consent. I think that's sixteen, innit?

4. The right to vote replaced by a qualification based on passing an exam on a few basic fundamentals. Like the UK citizenship exam but a bit more rigorous.

5. Voting by the eligible to be compulsory - with the option to put an X in a box for 'nobody', with no representative for the constituency (local or national elections) if 'nobody' wins.

I could go on but five was the limit.

you should be emperor of earth!

 

[Happy Exile]

Lots to admire in the suggestions so far.

1. Standardise the correct pronunciation of "scone" to be "skwun" just to end all debate

2. Make it illegal to be Kevin Mcloud, Kirsty Alsop or Phil Spencer.

3. Make all council owned sport and leisure facilities free

4. Make football mostly at 3pm on a Saturday again

5.PMQs to be replaced by politicians competitively slapping each other.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

you should be emperor of earth!

No. I'm too capricious. And 15 minutes into the job I'd be up on a charge for calling someone a showboating gaslighting halfwitted ****.

Happy to run a Think Tank, though. Disruptive technology. The saintly alter ego of Dominic Cummins. Yes....now you're talking. Except it's me who's talking. Doh!

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

How’s your asparagus

Not a patch on mine I'll wager. 74 cut so far. And yes, I do keep a tally on an excel spreadsheet. This is a record year

 

[rogersix]

No. I'm too capricious. And 15 minutes into the job I'd be up on a charge for calling someone a showboating gaslighting halfwitted ****.

Happy to run a Think Tank, though. Disruptive technology. The saintly alter ego of Dominic Cummins. Yes....now you're talking. Except it's me who's talking. Doh!

you're emperor, there are no charges

get your cv up together, you may well be needed

i'ld vote for you....................... once!

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

you're emperor, there are no charges

get your cv up together, you may well be needed

i'ld vote for you....................... once!

Once would be enough. Trust me

(It's very difficult geting the fuggers to do what you've decreed when you have half of them on ignore)

 

[drew]

1. Designate Selhurst Park as a Grade 1 listed building thus preventing any development (oh, they seem to be doing that all by themselves anyway!!)

2. Legal requirement that when kick off times are changed by tv companies they have to ensure that there is adequate transportation home for all away fans.

3. Cap expenditure for all clubs (although I quite like the 70% rule that is supposedly coming in). Also all EPL income from deals to be split evenly.

4. Imprison Johnson

5. Imprison Patel


As King, I would also allow me to do 5 things every day.

 

[portlock seagull]

“May I have please” not “Can I get” to be taught in all schools, colleges and universities
Middle Lane Hogs to be blasted from our motorways
Thorough investigation into Cup Final monies
Compulsory Street Parties including mushroom vol au vents
Pigs may fly anywhere for the day

 

[Weststander]

1. Only 6% of Oxbridge entrants to have been to independent schools at any time in their background (matching that proportion at school).

2. No football club ownership by states/individuals where there are human rights issues, applied retrospectively.

3. Closedown the House of Lords in this parliament, with no second chamber at all.

4. Copy the German health service funding and infrastructure model.

5. Properly ban all hunting with hounds and enforce it.


[No jokey moves. Too great an opportunity].