man caught having sex with his bike

[rospants]

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.

Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'."

Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.

The bachelor had been living in the hostel since October 2006 after moving from his council house in Girvan.

He now lives in Ayr.

 

[Lady Bracknell]

He's STILL shagging his bike?

 

[Tubby Mondays]

Ive made a few bikes have it in my time.

 

[tip top]

He must be well tyred by now.

 

[Monsieur Leclerc]

He sounds like a bit of a cyclepath.

 

[Superphil]

So this poor fella was enjoying himself behind closed (and locked) doors of his bedroom, and was arrested and charged.

Jeez, next we'll be breaking down the doors of teenage boys with a jazz mag, and what about Gays and Lesbians?

Arrest them all, put them on the sex offenders list, Perverts, the lot of them.

 

[Marc]

Reminds me of this great song my NOFX Superphil, about the powers that be stopping us from enjoying "acts" in our private homes:

Don't ever take away from me my pornography
Obviously we don't agree on what's obscene
I have the right to choose what I want to see and read
Don't ever try to take away from me and my right to privacy
because what I do is no one's business but me

So stay in your missionary position
I hope that you get bored to death
There's no way in hell I'm goin through life havin vanilla sex

The government is tryin to get in your bedroom
Better lock your door and close your shades
Because there could be someone watching you today

Why do try to make things illegal?
Why do we have to be twenty-one?
You're so afraid that people are havin way too much fun, ya know
Why do you care what I do in my bedroom?
Why do you wanna know how I screw?
It seems to me you've got nothing better to do

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

I want to ride my bicycle....

*coat*

I was not aware that having sex with your bike indoors is illegal?

*mental note to self*

 

[Nibble]

Reminds me of this great song my NOFX Superphil, about the powers that be stopping us from enjoying "acts" in our private homes:

Don't ever take away from me my pornography
Obviously we don't agree on what's obscene
I have the right to choose what I want to see and read
Don't ever try to take away from me and my right to privacy
because what I do is no one's business but me

So stay in your missionary position
I hope that you get bored to death
There's no way in hell I'm goin through life havin vanilla sex

The government is tryin to get in your bedroom
Better lock your door and close your shades
Because there could be someone watching you today

Why do try to make things illegal?
Why do we have to be twenty-one?
You're so afraid that people are havin way too much fun, ya know
Why do you care what I do in my bedroom?
Why do you wanna know how I screw?
It seems to me you've got nothing better to do

was it written by a 14 year old?

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Reminds me of this great song my NOFX Superphil, about the powers that be stopping us from enjoying "acts" in our private homes:

Don't ever take away from me my pornography
Obviously we don't agree on what's obscene
I have the right to choose what I want to see and read
Don't ever try to take away from me and my right to privacy
because what I do is no one's business but me

So stay in your missionary position
I hope that you get bored to death
There's no way in hell I'm goin through life havin vanilla sex

The government is tryin to get in your bedroom
Better lock your door and close your shades
Because there could be someone watching you today

Why do try to make things illegal?


Which is what, in a shorter way, I was saying.

Who,s business is it but his if he finds his push iron attractive?

Let the sad Jock shag his bike all he likes!

...that is a sentence I never thought I would write.

 

[tedebear]

So this poor fella was enjoying himself behind closed (and locked) doors of his bedroom, and was arrested and charged.

Jeez, next we'll be breaking down the doors of teenage boys with a jazz mag, and what about Gays and Lesbians?

Arrest them all, put them on the sex offenders list, Perverts, the lot of them.

and all those women who enjoy sitting on their washing machines....dirty cows...

 

[Superphil]

and all those women who enjoy sitting on their washing machines....dirty cows...

Post of the day, FACT

 

[Goodfella]

I'm glad he got done, pedalling this kind of porn is just not on.

 

[tip top]

and all those women who enjoy sitting on their washing machines....dirty cows...

Can't see the difference between a cycle and a spin cycle myself.

Sexual equality my arse.

 

[hart's shirt]

If this continues, he might have to have his inner tube tied.

 

[Simster]

So this poor fella was enjoying himself behind closed (and locked) doors of his bedroom, and was arrested and charged.

Jeez, next we'll be breaking down the doors of teenage boys with a jazz mag, and what about Gays and Lesbians?

Arrest them all, put them on the sex offenders list, Perverts, the lot of them.

Totally agree. Amusing though it might be, what sort of TWAT goes out of his way to have this bloke arrested for pleasuring himself, in private, whilst doing no harm to anybody else.

There is a wanker somewhere in this story, and it isn't the bloke with the bike...

 

[tedebear]

Totally agree. Amusing though it might be, what sort of TWAT goes out of his way to have this bloke arrested for pleasuring himself, in private, whilst doing no harm to anybody else.

There is a wanker somewhere in this story, and it isn't the bloke with the bike...

NO harm?? Eh? I'll bet you 2 raisins that if he'd jizzed all over his bike that his brakes would have been affected by the said jizz and then who knows who he would have run into when riding out and about...This ruling has probably saved a little old lady at a bus stop from having a close encounter with a jizz affected bike I'd say...

great decision all round!

 

[Simster]

NO harm?? Eh? I'll bet you 2 raisins that if he'd jizzed all over his bike that his brakes would have been affected by the said jizz and then who knows who he would have run into when riding out and about...This ruling has probably saved a little old lady at a bus stop from having a close encounter with a jizz affected bike I'd say...

great decision all round!

If he'd jizzed over his brake blocks then you'd have a point. But did he? If he did it over the seat, then the only affect would be a wet arse for the next rider of the bicycle. Anyone who has cycled in the rain will KNOW that whilst unpleasant, is NOT life threatening.

And anyway, I thought ladies liked a bit of jizz.

 

[Lady Bracknell]

And anyway, I thought ladies liked a bit of jizz.

Not if it clogs up ALL your moving parts.

 

[tedebear]

And anyway, I thought ladies liked a bit of jizz.

Christ on a bike theres a thought - they've also saved an unwanted pregnancy - just IMAGINE if he'd jizzed on the seat and some poor unsuspecting girl rode it next? Bloody nora - an unwanted child, a custody battle, benefits and the LOT - this decision is getting better by the minute!

PS. old jizz spraying off a bicycle is just soooooooooooo last year! us women prefer it fresh don't you know