The Truth About Adoption

[Herr Tubthumper]

Did anyone else watch this programme last night? It followed a series of routine cases through the system from one set of parents giving their children up, to various stages of others in the half-way house of fostering and/or full adoption.

It was a balanced programme and did not point an accusatory finger at anyone or anything...the biological parents were generally useless and unable to look after their kids, for various reasons, as opposed to evil. It was more the system that was highlighted. It was depressing at times. I had tears in my eyes when Keiren (the little lad in specs with 130 books in his room) was recalling the different houses he had stayed at and had to keep whiping his eyes. He deserves as lot lot better.

I hope Conor gets to stay with his new family and the biological mother's challenge fails.

Sadly, adoption figures are at their lowest for a decade.

 

[Gwylan]

We watched it - as the parents of adopted children we've had first-hand experience of the process.

I felt really sorry for that lad Kieran, what a sad life he's led, shunted around from one house to another. What staggered me was that he'd been rejected by his adoptive family after three years. It surprised me that social services didn't try to find out why the family hadn't pressed for formal adoption - it normally happens after about a year.

One thing that the programme did highlight was the huge cost (financial and emotional) on taking kids into care. Something that people who glibly call for benefits to be withdrawn from single mothers and their kids taken away from them. In Kieran and his sisters' case, the mother wanted them back but couldn't as she didn't have a permanent home. It's costing the state about £9,000 a month to keep those three kids in care, it would be far cheaper for the state to pay for a home for the mother and her benefits - and the effect on the kids would be beyond cost.

The government is being spectacularly useless on this. As the programme pointed out, since baby P, there have been 40% more kids taken into care and yet there's been no increase in social services budget. So, yes, the system is slow but the government sees little inclination to fix it.

 

[Brovion]

I'm not sure if I mentioned it on here before, but my wife and I were looking to adopt a few years ago, and yes, the system was depressing. I think one of the schemes was called 'concurrency' where basically you had a child - but he/she could go back to the biological parents at any time. The idea behind it was to move away from the older idea of adoption where the child basically severed all links with their birth parents. We did hear some quite harrowing cases and eventually we decided we couldn't do it (probably the point to weed out all but the very committed).

TBH I've blanked most of it from my mind as it WAS quite an ordeal. I've got nothing but total and 100% respect for parents who go through with it - I know there are a few on here.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

Something about little kids with glasses always makes think they are far more vulnerable.

What channel was this on? My mother was adopted from the Valleys in 1951 to an English family and I am sure she would be keen to see a re-run.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

I've got nothing but total and 100% respect for parents who go through with it

Agree. I have also got a lot of respect for the social workers as well. They get a lot of shit and are often singled out but jesus is it a tough job. That decision about whether to split the three siblings up to increase their chances of adoption is a choice I could not make.

 

[TWOCHOICEStom]

I was adpoted and have no ties with my birth parents at all.

My Mum and Dad can vouch for how awful the system is. They tried to adopt a second time when I was around 2 years old (I'd been with them since I was about 6 weeks old). They were basically told that they had to go through all of the tests and checks again despite me being perfectly health and happy baby.

The recent figures are so shocking but it really is no suprise.

And [MENTION=177]Brovion[/MENTION] what you're mentioning about 'concurrency' seems to ring true, my Mum and Dad said that at any time for the first 6 months, I could have been taken away from them with no notice... Must have been horrible)

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Something about little kids with glasses always makes think they are far more vulnerable.

What channel was this on? My mother was adopted from the Valleys in 1951 to an English family and I am sure she would be keen to see a re-run.

BBC1 last night.

My mother was adopted as well.

 

[Barrel of Fun]

BBC1 last night.

My mother was adopted as well.

Smashing, thank you. I shall point the old girl towards iplayer.

Her birth father refused to marry her mother, despite an offer of dowry and it was a bit of a scandal, so she was sent away to give birth and then left the child with the Salvation Army.

My mother found and wrote to her mother, but they never met. My mother was a secret.

An adoptive cousin of hers was also adopted. Her mother told her that on her wedding day, which in the end was cancelled due to the shock - good timing.

As stated on this thread. Full credit to those whom see fit to adopt. Kudos.

 

[DIFFBROOK]

I watched that programme last night, and I had tears in my eyes. We adopted a little girl from birth. She is now 5, loving every single second in life and I love her very very much. Our family is a lucky one. My wife and I are blessed to have her and i guess she is lucky to find a permanent home (if you look at the stats).

The cases highlighted last night are just so very typical. Its happens quite often that mothers who suffer learning difficulties often have their children taken away - particularly if there is no father around or if the father is unable to look after the child. These mothers tend to be quite young and often have had very very poor upbringings themselves i.e probably have had parents who couldn't give a damm about them either - and probably never helped with reading etc. So its no surprise that they end up as adults who probably can barely look after themselves let alone a child of theirs.

I felt so so sorry for everyone concerned. The biological mothers who have never done anything wrong, except becuase of their upbringing or by genetics cant bring up a child. Can you imagine the pain of losing a child. I also felt so sorry for the prospective adopters - I know from first hand what that wait is like.

I know how tough it is to be a social worker. They are dammed if they dont and dammed if they do. So much more money needs to go into having more social workers and also more office support staff so that when children are placed in care, that the process is speeded up.

I would also urge any person who is thinking of adopting a child...........go on do it!!! The process isn't that intrusive, it can be fun ( I loved reminiscing about my happy childhood - and telling about my plans for an adoptive child). And at the end of the day.........a little person will call you mummy or daddy, give you a hug and say I love you. Thats the best feeling in the world.

 

[Gwylan]

So much more money needs to go into having more social workers and also more office support staff so that when children are placed in care, that the process is speeded up.

Supports what I said. The actual cost isn't that high as it will take more kids out of care - and in the long run will save a lot more as kids in care are more likely to go to prison/have mental health problems/be addicts etc.

I would also urge any person who is thinking of adopting a child...........go on do it!!! The process isn't that intrusive, it can be fun ( I loved reminiscing about my happy childhood - and telling about my plans for an adoptive child). And at the end of the day.........a little person will call you mummy or daddy, give you a hug and say I love you. Thats the best feeling in the world.

Absolutely this. I love my two kids more than anything - I couldn't possibly love them more if they were my birth children. And they are really happy with us - it's good they have a chance in life.

 

[Gazwag]

One thing that the programme did highlight was the huge cost (financial and emotional) on taking kids into care. Something that people who glibly call for benefits to be withdrawn from single mothers and their kids taken away from them. In Kieran and his sisters' case, the mother wanted them back but couldn't as she didn't have a permanent home. It's costing the state about £9,000 a month to keep those three kids in care, it would be far cheaper for the state to pay for a home for the mother and her benefits - and the effect on the kids would be beyond cost.
.

I inderstand what you are saying, but, all you will end up with is girls who will see it as an easy way to get a free home and having a child will just be the means to an end

 

[Mellor 3 Ward 4]

A superb piece of TV, and as others have said, very moving.

How hard must it have been for the two girls, who were still in foster care, to visit their sister who had been adopted?

Any the lad - Kieran, what a great little chap - certainly deserves much better, and has simply been let down by the 'system'

I guess that after the 'Baby P' tragedy Social Workers have to be 100% sure that the kids are going to the 'right' families.

I have only recently become aware as to how long the process can take - a colleague's daughter and her husband have been going through the process, and will (hopefully) complete the process of adopting a child in January - two years after starting the process.

 

[Stat Brother]

I didn't watch as I was pretty sick of all the over sentimental sickly programmes on a couple of months ago.
Wifey did watch and does concur with what's been said, so I may well catch up on I-player.

The process is what it is.
There's no point going into it, as prospective adoptive parents, with rose tints.
If you are open honest and stick to your guns, you'll be fine.
It was such a long, tough, slog and in fairness most of it was bordering on pointless.
I remembering it being hard and all consuming, for 2 full years, but not wanting to quit.

'Concurrency' was a scheme offered to us, by Brighton.
Personally we couldn't think of anything worse so went through Portsmouth Social Services.

We've been a family now for 2 1/2 years.
The kids are season ticket holders (JCL scum )
Academically they are both excellent top of the class stuff.

Sadly though, behaviourally, our youngest is stuck in a very negative cycle.
She is testing my nurture trumps nature philosophy, as her earliest experiences remain with us, all.
I just can't say what our future holds if the support we will be receiving, in the new year, doesn't help us all.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

We adopted a girl 6 years ago, I agree with everything that has been posted so far, so I wont go on, except to say the people who deserve respect are the people who adopt physically and/or mentally handicapped children, we could not. I know people that have, and they knock me out everytime. During the process of 'selecting' our daughter the same kids with problems turned up month after month, it really breaks your heart.

 

[Stat Brother]

During the process of 'selecting' our daughter the same kids with problems turned up month after month, it really breaks your heart.

For those that don't know, there is a 'trade' magazine, Be My Parent, for local authorities to 'advertise' their harder to place children. This comes out monthly.
As The Greatest Bike EVER says, seeing these kids, month after month, year after year, is so unbelievably tough.
You find yourself justifying how you can take on board 6 siblings of West African parentage.

 

[Gwylan]

I inderstand what you are saying, but, all you will end up with is girls who will see it as an easy way to get a free home and having a child will just be the means to an end

To a certain extent, you get this now. I was talking about kids that are taken into care when, with a little support, the birth mother will do a good enough job. But local authorities won't give that support.

As The Greatest Bike EVER says, seeing these kids, month after month, year after year, is so unbelievably tough.
You find yourself justifying how you can take on board 6 siblings of West African parentage.

I know that feeling. We used to look at it every month and Mrs G would say "Can't we have all of them?"

I should say though that we should be proud of Brighton & Hove social services. They have a fantastic adoption record with very, very few breakdowns (ie the child going back in care). And, yes, they've been pioneers of concurrency and it was offered to us: we didn't fancy it, for the reasons other people have mentioned, and we went through the conventional adoption process.

 

[Tux the albion Penguin]

First thing first I have nothing against Adoption BUT I will however stress. I have been fighting for my daughter for the passed 8 months. Me and the mother split up after she told me I may now be the father. My ex ended up In Millview and lost our daughter to the system. I however am going through the hardest battle of my life trying to bring my little princess home. Although I never had her In the first place, we have a really strong bond. It's either she comes home where she belong's or she ends up on the adoption list. As far as I know. The social workers how have been dealing with this case have done everything they can to screw me over into thinking I'm a bad parent when I wasn't the one who deserved It. But that aside. I will go on fighting for my daughter till the very end, even with all the crap the SS, Doctors and guardians pull. I have literally been through hell In the past year to stop her from being put on the adoption list as I feel It's a right. No a privilege to raise her. Just writing this Is making me well up.

 

[Diego Napier]

Did anyone else watch this programme last night? It followed a series of routine cases through the system from one set of parents giving their children up, to various stages of others in the half-way house of fostering and/or full adoption.

It was a balanced programme and did not point an accusatory finger at anyone or anything...the biological parents were generally useless and unable to look after their kids, for various reasons, as opposed to evil. It was more the system that was highlighted. It was depressing at times. I had tears in my eyes when Keiren (the little lad in specs with 130 books in his room) was recalling the different houses he had stayed at and had to keep whiping his eyes. He deserves as lot lot better.

I hope Conor gets to stay with his new family and the biological mother's challenge fails.

Sadly, adoption figures are at their lowest for a decade.

I had tears for Kieren too, and when Conor's adoptive Mum (who'd looked after him for 5 years) heard on the phone that his natural Mum was challenging the adoption. The fact she has to wait until March for the outcome is so saddening.

It was an excellent, and as you say balanced, insight into the adoption process.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for Conor.

 

[RowleyBirkinQ.C(deceased)]

It's bloody brilliant hearing stories from other parents who have adopted. My wife and I adopted 2 children and have just celebrated 3 years since they moved in. And as said before, anyone thinking if adopting should do it. I'm not going to lie, it was a long difficult process ( I think we were lucky because it only took us 2 years from attending an open evening about adoption to being placed with children) in our case it was incredibly intrusive. You have months of social worker visits where you document every house you've lived in, every job, every partner. You talk about the most intimate elements of your child and adult life we were even questioned about our sex life. We also had to attend a week long adoption and parenting course. Sounds a drag but we made some good friends who who are now a kind of post adoption support group. We decided to adopt a brother and sister ( boy 19 months girl 7 months) we knew we wanted 2 but didn't want to adopt 1 to start as we were warned that we would have to go through the whole process again later.
I originally went through the whole male pride thing that they wouldn't be my birth children, of my loins and as such how would I ever truely bond with them and they with me. How wrong I was, they are the best thing ever to happen to me in my life. My heart swelled watching my boy in his 1st nativity the other day and bought tears to my eyes. He and his sister had a god awful start to life and are growing into the most amazing children.

 

[DIFFBROOK]

Thats a great story. Our adoption took 9 months from open day to bringing the baby home. Ours was not so intrusive and didn't want to know about previous partners or anything like that. Different social worker I guess. We were lucky.

Loved your point about nativity. It was our girls first nativity this week and I too was full of pride. We have gone through the lows of not being able to have biological children, to the highs of adopting. I'm a believer of fate and my wife, daughter and myself were fated to be. I wouldn't change a thing.

It's bloody brilliant hearing stories from other parents who have adopted. My wife and I adopted 2 children and have just celebrated 3 years since they moved in. And as said before, anyone thinking if adopting should do it. I'm not going to lie, it was a long difficult process ( I think we were lucky because it only took us 2 years from attending an open evening about adoption to being placed with children) in our case it was incredibly intrusive. You have months of social worker visits where you document every house you've lived in, every job, every partner. You talk about the most intimate elements of your child and adult life we were even questioned about our sex life. We also had to attend a week long adoption and parenting course. Sounds a drag but we made some good friends who who are now a kind of post adoption support group. We decided to adopt a brother and sister ( boy 19 months girl 7 months) we knew we wanted 2 but didn't want to adopt 1 to start as we were warned that we would have to go through the whole process again later.
I originally went through the whole male pride thing that they wouldn't be my birth children, of my loins and as such how would I ever truely bond with them and they with me. How wrong I was, they are the best thing ever to happen to me in my life. My heart swelled watching my boy in his 1st nativity the other day and bought tears to my eyes. He and his sister had a god awful start to life and are growing into the most amazing children.