the old ones are the best

[brixtonA23]

To lighten pretty dark conversation in recent weeks on the chat, I give you old school humour. After January we can make our own humour again. Be good if we could keep this going until then.


My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs.
She won, she had the hammer.

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburetor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

My old man said be a ....

 

[skipper734]

 

[Return of the Rev]

"my dogs got no nose"
how does he smell?
"awful"

 

[skipper734]

Hello, Hello I call my dog Locksmith.
Why do you call your dog Locksmith.
Cos every time I kick him, he makes a bolt for the door.

 

[grummitts gloves]

Had some bad news today. My Grandmother told me my Grandfather had died. I asked my Nan " How did he die?" She said "While we were having sex" I said "Nan your 90 and Grandad was 93!" She said " Well we used to make love every Sunday morning to the sound of the church bells, in on the ding and out on the dong". "He'd still be alive today if it wasn't for that bloody ice cream van".

 

[skipper734]

Hello, Hello. My wife's gone to the Caribbean.
Jamaica?
No. She went of her own accord.

 

[Mo Gosfield]

Two crotchety old guys sitting in the park. One turns to the other and says..." Who was that racing driver that got badly burnt in the 70's? "...the other replies....." Lauda "....the other says..." WHO WAS THAT RACING DRIVER THAT GOT BURNT IN THE 70'S! ".....the other replies...." I told you once "....the other said ..." No...you haven't "....the other says....." For the last f..king time..." LAUDA, LAUDA, F..KING LAUDA !!!! "....the other says..." You want to go and get your f..king hearing tested "....the other says...." there is nothing wrong with my f..king hearing, its yours thats the problem! "....the other says..." Anyway, what was his name ? "....the other says...." Oh for f..k sake, piss off "

 

[skipper734]

Hello, Hello. My wife's gone to the Far East.
Jakarta?
No. She went on an Aeroplane.

 

[Norman Potting]

I said to the Doctor "it hurts when I do that", he said, "don't do it then".

 

[Daffy Duck]

A man went to the doctors and said "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home."
Doctor said "You've got Tom Jones syndrome"

The man said "is it common?"
Doctor said "It's not unusual."


Man goes into the doctors and says "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bum".

The doctor says "how's that?"

The man says "don't you start".

 

[brixtonA23]

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it....

 

[catfish]

My doctor told me to stop masturbating.

I said "why?"

She said "I'm trying to examine you".

 

[brixtonA23]

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

 

[dannyboy]

the wife caught our son wanking . so when i came home from work she said hes in his room go and tell him to stop it . so i say ,no, you tell him . she said no you so in the end i give up . walking up the stairs i cant think what to say so i think the best thing is just to walk in and say the first thing that comes into my head. i open the door and say son , erm look erm ..... if you dont stop this wanking er....... you'll go blind. the son says 'im over here dad'

 

[Norman Potting]

the wife caught our son wanking . so when i came home from work she said hes in his room go and tell him to stop it . so i say ,no, you tell him . she said no you so in the end i give up . walking up the stairs i cant think what to say so i think the best thing is just to walk in and say the first thing that comes into my head. i open the door and say son , erm look erm ..... if you dont stop this wanking er....... you'll go blind. the son says 'im over here dad'

 

[Superseagull69]

Crystal palarse have been likened to Marmite. I can't help but agree. You either hate them or you have no sense of taste.


Went to a fancy dress shop for a vampire costume and the girl behind the counter gave me a palace kit. I said sorry luv you must have misheard me, I said I want to look like a count.

 

[brixtonA23]

My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still,
what can you expect from a cross-breed.

 

[Sausage]

How do you titillate an ocelot?


Oscillate its tits a lot.

 

[Superseagull69]

My new doctor is a young, drop dead gorgeous female. I was embarrassed but she said 'Don't worry I'm a professional, I've seen it all before, just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it for you personally!......

...I said 'I think my sperm tastes funny!'

 

[Monkey Man]

I was being examined by my doctor in a delicate area. "Don't worry, it's perfectly natural to get an erection in these situations," he said.

"But I haven't got an erection," I said.

"No, but I have."