The official Christmas cracker joke thread 2011

[seagullsdaz]

As a painter, I'm proud to say some of my work is on show in the National Gallery,
I did the skirting boards.

 

[Washie]

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

 

[The Peanut Roaster]

My girlfriend said she's dumped me because of my obsession with plants,
so I asked, "where's this stemming from petal"

My ex always reckoned I had an obsession with The Monkees.

I said no way, but then I saw her face.............

 

[Bring back Bryan wade!!]

Stuck for ideas for Christmas presents?......






Remember sperm makes an excellent stocking filler.

 

[JamesAndTheGiantHead]

Some of the 'choice' selection from yesterdays crackers.

What's E.T short for?
He's got no legs.

What do you call a group of professors on the Underground?
A tube of smarties.

Where do gnomes go when they are unwell?
The Elf centre.

 

[skipper734]

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?
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You can't wash your hand's in a Buffalo.

 

[Dave the OAP]

what's yellow and highly dangerous.

Shark infested custard

 

[The Large One]

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tennish.

 

[HastingsSeagull]

What do you call a women between two goalposts?
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Annette

 

[JCL - the new kid in town]

What clothes do you wear to court?

Law suits

What do trees and dogs have in common?

Bark

 

[seagullsdaz]

I've just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will,
I hope it's not a wind up.