stand up gags help

[Vinyl Richie]

Open it with "if I could just say a few words....I'd be a better public speaker"


oooh ooh my sides. Right I'm off

 

[bhaexpress]

A snail was sliding down the street one evening when it was mugged by a tortoise. The tortoise took the snail's wallet and went off. The snail dragged itself to a Police station where it was asked by the Policeman at the desk 'So, did you see your attacker ?'

'No' said the Snail, 'It all happened so fast'.

 

[sbee]

thanx for all your gags.

some of which I'll adopt...
(I'm not proud)

will let you know how i did when out of hospital

 

[Superphil]

I had Gonnorea once, I caught it off a toilet seat


B Manning, c. Very old

 

[Northstander]

two ducks are floating on a pond when one says...QUACK! Then the other say "Shit...I was gonna say that!"


Already go me coat and half way out the door.....

 

[rool]

A little girl goes running into her mum screaming 'mummy, mummy get some cider I have a thorn in my finger'

Her mum puts her on her knee and asks why she needs some cider and the little girl answers

'well I was listening to Julie on the phone the other day and I heard her say that every time she gets a prick in her hand she can't wait to get it in cider'

 

[Lammy]

What do you call a fish without an eye?

A Fsh!

What do you call a fly without wings?

A Walk!

*crowd looks at floor and shakes heads *

 

[Pavilionaire]

Sexist joke.

Q - Why is a woman like a prawn?

A - The pink bit's alright but the head's full of shit

 

[Eddie the Seagull]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.......


..............She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.


BOOM! BOOM!

 

[Northstander]

Get your coat and please do not come back....nice effort though!!

 

[alan partridge]

not so topical now but i saw a comedian in b'ton once do this joke

so that michael portillo's gay then? i knew it you know, i just knew it

there was just something about.... something about the way








he sucked my cock

 

[Behind Enemy Lines]

A horse goes into a bar...

The Barmen looks up and says... " Hey, what's with the long face? "


Coat.

 

[Superphil]

A horse goes into another bar...

The barman says, "hey we've got a Whiskey named after you"


"what" says the horse


"Gerald?"

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Man walks into a bar and goes 'Ouch!' It was an iron bar.

 

[Sonic]

thanx for all your gags.

some of which I'll adopt...
(I'm not proud)

will let you know how i did when out of hospital

I would advise you not to use any of Dunkstar's suggestions, seeing as they've all been lifted straight from Peter Kay's live act.

 

[Bwian]

What has 98 legs & 23 teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.


Why don’t witches wear underwear?
To get a better grip on the broom!

 

[Vinyl Richie]

2 elephants walk off a cliff.......BOOM BOOM

 

[Pevenseagull]

A horse goes into another bar...

The barman says, "hey we've got a Whiskey named after you"


"what" says the horse


"Gerald?"

I think you'll find it works marginally better if it's a white horse going into the bar

just a suggestion

 

[Superphil]

I think you'll find it works marginally better if it's a white horse going into the bar

just a suggestion

Oh, yeah, you're right.


Two welsh guys chatting at the bar

Dai says, "do you ever give your missus one in the other hole?"

Daffyd replies, " Oh no boyo, you must be fuckin mad, I don't want to make her pregnant"