stand up gags help

[sbee]

It's a long shot on this board - LOL
but has anyone got any (fairly) original stand-up
gags they can share?

ok, ok!!! I'm supposed to be doing some this weekend
and have been a lazy b - I'm going to bomb unless
I get some inspiration.

btw,

The standard of jokes seem to have shot up since
Barnet S. did the honourable thing and turned himself in
to the comedy police.

 

[Brady's Old Lady]

I wouldn't say my wife's a bad cook but we've got the only dustbin on the street with ulcers.

(B.Manning c1947)

 

[Titanic]

There's always the one about about the Royal family and a black man's co...

No, perhaps not !

 

[Dunkstar]

A american lady came up to me the other day and accused me of being Paytronising.I said i think you'll find thats patronising.

Jimmy Carr.

 

[sbee]

perhaps I ought to call saturday off after all!

 

[Laugh?I_nearly_cried]

Just get up on stage in your tesco top and await the laughter.
Br*ght*n are a stand up joke on their own...

 

[Dunkstar]

Just get up on stage in your tesco top and await the laughter.
Br*ght*n are a stand up joke on their own...

Now why didn't i think of that one?Oh that's right you're a twat!

 

[sbee]

I concur with dunkstar 'laugh I nearly cried' -
you are a sheep in sheep's clothing


You wot!

 

[Mr Popkins]

I HAD ONE OF THOSE TARKA CURRYS THE OTHER DAY.
ITS LIKE A VINDALOO ONLY OTTER!

 

[Dunkstar]

Phoned up the local takeaway the other day.I said do you de-liver he said no we do lamb chicken and pork.

 

[sbee]

dunkstar

I like the liver one.....can I pur*LOIN* it for saturday

I'll tell you how it went (if I live to tell the tale)

thanx

 

[Dunkstar]

Shakespeare walked into a pub.The landlord said get out you're barred(bard).

 

[Easy 10]

I wouldn't say my mother in laws fat, but she beeps when she walks backwards.

I went to my doctors the other day, he said "you're clinically obese". I said "I want a second opinion". He said "OK, you're ugly as well".

A busload of nuns goes over a cliff and they all die. Lining up at the Pearly Gates, St Peter asks each nun a question.
"Before I let you pass, I must ask, has any part of your anatomy come into contact with a mans penis ?"
Sister Susan blushes, and admits "well, I did look at one once"
"Then wash your eyes in the Holy Water sister", says St Peter, "and you may enter".
The next nun steps up.
"Before I let you pass, I must ask, has any part of your anatomy come into contact with a mans penis ?"
Sister Caroline blushes, and admits "well, I did hold one in my hand once".
"Then wash your hand in the Holy Water sister", says St Peter, "and you may enter".
Then there's a load of pushing and shoving from the back, before a breathless nun steps to the front.
"Why do you push to the front my child ?" says St Peter.
The nun replies "Because there's NO WAY I'm gargling that Holy Water after Sister Marys had her arse in it".

*fetching coat and closing door on way out*

 

[El Presidente]

Why is a woman like a computer??
Because you never know how much you
need them until they go down on you

 

[El Presidente]

Bloke lost his ear in an accident at work..
Doctor says, "We can do you a transplant..But it'll have to be a Pigs ear!!"
Bloke says, "Will it work the same??"
He said, "Yes..But there might be a little bit of crackling

 

[El Presidente]

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The copper said, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer and women

 

[El Presidente]

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Their balls are just for decoration

 

[El Presidente]

A Chinese guy sat down at the bar and says to the person next to him,
"Hi. My name's wong, and I'm Chinese."
The guy says, "My name's Goldberg, and I'm Jewish and I hate Chinese!"
"You hate Chinese... Why?"
"Cause they bombed pearl harbor!"
"The Chinese didn't bomb pearl harbor, the Japanese bombed pearl harbor!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?"
"Well I hate Jews!"
"You hate Jews?"
"Why?"
"'Cause you sunk the Titanic!"
"No we didn't, an iceberg sunk the Titanic..."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference

 

[El Presidente]

How do you make your dick longer ?
Measure it yourself

 

[Dunkstar]

Bloke lost his ear in an accident at work..
Doctor says, "We can do you a transplant..But it'll have to be a Pigs ear!!"
Bloke says, "Will it work the same??"
He said, "Yes..But there might be a little bit of crackling

Now that's a good clean laugh!