Song titles or lyrics that are palpably untrue.

[The Large One]

'You better watch out, you better take care
You better watch out if you’ve got long black hair
Does anyone know the way, there’s got to be a way, to Blockbuster?'

Well, what’s wrong with having long black hair to rent a DVD or video? Granted teenage goths do look f***ing ridiculuous with their pasty skin and shitty outlook on life (plus the fact that NONE of the little bastards like football), but that does not stop them being allowed to browse through the racks to rent The Exorcist 16 (The Musical), together buying with a jumbo tub of popcorn - which, incidentally, is their entire nutritional intake for a week. But hey, it's OK for them to do that without feeling, you know, like, hassled. For sure.

And since you’re asking, it’s in London Road, just up from the big Co-Op.

 

[Lord Bracknell]

When I'm drivin' in my car
And that man comes on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say
I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no
Satisfaction

That is complete tosh, Jagger. The information broadcast on the wireless is not useless. If, for example, you took the trouble to LISTEN to Mr Perry, you'd realise that an early application for tickets will ensure that you WILL get the satisfaction of attending any away match you want.

 

[Digweeds Trousers]

The Beach Boys clearly have not visited some of the more remote parts of East Anglia.

They tell us:

'East coast girls are hip, I really dig those styles they wear'

Years back on a family holiday round the Norfolk broads we got lost just outside Cromar.

a lady passed our car and we asked for directions. All she managed was a snaggleetoothed grin and some babbling crap about not being a local. Also, it looked as if she had been dressed by a pissed blind monkey.

What a mess.

 

[Schrödinger's Toad]

According to Neil Young, only love can break your heart. Not so - I distinctly recall disecting hearts in biology, using not love but knives. Although they were pig hearts.

Sticking with lying Youngs; Paul reckoned wherever he lays his hat is his home - I'd like to see him lob his Fez into the Queen's bedroom and try to assert his claim to residency.

 

[Schrödinger's Toad]

According to Counting Crows, "American girls are feathers and cream, coming to bed so edible". I can only assume they've never seen Jackie Stallone.

 

[El Presidente]

"Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me " according to smug Oxbridge footlights graduates Monty Python. If it was Michelle McManus sitting on your face CLEESE, then I doubt you would live to tell the tale, so be cautionary before you invite such behaviour.

 

[Titanic]

Why do we sing 'Drinking pints of Whisky' to Mark McGhee when he can be clearly seen swigging from a bottle of Lucozade Isotonic Sports drink ?

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

"I want you so bad, I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time."

So sang fish-eyed warbler Billy Joel. How long did your marriage to Christie Brinkley last again JOEL? 9 years is hardly "the longest time" is it?

 

[The Large One]

Why do we sing 'Drinking pints of Whisky' to Mark McGhee when he can be clearly seen swigging from a bottle of Lucozade Isotonic Sports drink ?

You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover.

Having said that, you bloody should be able to. I would like to think that a book saying 'Catch 22' on the cover should be a tale about the insanity of taking on dangerous mission during wartime. Likewise, 'Ring Stingers Monthly' should be a monthly publication featuring currries and their effect on the exit portal of the human digestive system.

 

[Easy 10]

"And we can do this thing together, standing strong forever, nothings gonna stop us now" warbled the mullet-cropped 80's duet monstrosity that went by the name of Starship.

It would appear that the lack of a new record deal soon put paid to THAT little theory.

 

[Parson Henry]

"And we can do this thing together, standing strong forever, nothings gonna stop us now" warbled the mullet-cropped 80's duet monstrosity that went by the name of Starship.

It would appear that the lack of a new record deal soon put paid to THAT little theory.

Doppelganger theory Easy remember? I also input lyrics from Starship (Grace Slick, Mickey Thomas et al)

 

[Seagullible]

'Hey mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, Hey Mickey' squeeled Tony Basil in her (aham) lovely cheerleaders outfit. Yet did anyone see this exposion between her ears? or is it a case of such a small mind all that may be seen is a small puff of smoke after the first few lines?

 

[Easy 10]

Doppelganger theory Easy remember? I also input lyrics from Starship (Grace Slick, Mickey Thomas et al)

Its spooky isn't it...

 

[Rangdo]

Likewise, 'Ring Stingers Monthly' should be a monthly publication featuring currries and their effect on the exit portal of the human digestive system.

Or a publication on extortionately priced jewellry shops.

 

[bhafc99]

Entire generations of chardonnay-swilling handbag-dancing women have fallen under the spell of chronic fibber Gloria Gaynor.

At 54 years old, Gaynor, you have at best another 30-40 years on this planet. Barring accident or unexpected illness, even I will f***ing survive longer than you.

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

Notorious Welsh twat Shakin' Stevens likes to croak out the following:

(Ain't a-gonna need this house no longer)
(Ain't a-gonna need this house no more)
Ain't got time to fix the shingles
Ain't a-got time to fix the floor
Ain't got time to oil the hinges
Nor to mend no windowpane
Ain't a-gonna need this house no longer
She's a-gettin' ready to meet the saints

Listen boyo. You may have decided to move out of this gaff but you can't just leave the place looking like a f***ing building site. Just because you're flogging the place to some Southampton fans, doesn't mean you can leave obvious repair work. The place is a f***ing death trap and just because you can't be arsed to go down B&Q and get it done up you're going to leave it some other poor sod.

f*** off and don't come back or i'll set the lawyers on you.

 

[Barnet Seagull]

Whitney Houston, the coke fuelled warbler, realiably informed me that she'd always love me.

She soon changed her mind when I shat in her bed.

 

[bhafc99]

I have a presentation to complete by the end of today and, frankly, it's not looking good. So much so that I've effectively given up and am pissing around on NSC instead.

So when my boss returns from Germany tomorrow, will he nod sagely and accept my explanation that, according to velvet-voiced crooner Louis Armstrong, we have all the time in the world?

Will he f***.

 

[Ex Shelton Seagull]

"I shot the Sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy"

It's still first degree murder of a police officer Bob. You're still heading for the chair. Just because you left another police officer alive doesn't mean you should escape justice. The poor blokes probably traumatised.

 

[bhafc99]

I've hired a private detective to trail pock-marked Canadian rocker Bryan Adams for a 24 hour period.

The report landed on my desk this morning.

Mr Adams spent yesterday going shopping, meeting a friend for lunch, playing golf and fitting a new stereo to his car. In the evening he watched The Bill, ate a takeaway curry, knitted a small scarf and shagged his missus.

So, unless a undersized woolly neck garment is on its way to me, there wasn't a lot in that that was done for me, was there, you lying leathery tosser?