Managers and players' most preposterous cliches, idioms and contradictions

[Codner's Wallop]

Sick parrots and moon jumping are almost 'old-school' these days.

But don't despair, there is a new generation of managerial misnomers and madcap mumblings.

I'm going to kick off proceedings with one of my contemporary favourites (as spouted by Steve McClaren only today).

"We don't look at the league table."

Cue bedlam in the Derby dressing room as a reservist, face beaming with arms stretched out by a copy of a red-top (but blissfully unaware of SM's policy) is wrestled to the floor by his club-mates. Followed by cries of 'No, no, WE DON'T WANT TO KNOW! What were you thinking....man'

 

[Pavilionaire]

"I didn't see the incident from where I was standing"

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

Harry Redknapp

 

[Czechmate]

We have hit the ceiling !

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

'I don't want to criticise the referee'

Used by managers who absolutely do want to criticise the ref to ensure there's a scapegoat for the team's poor performance other than themselves, but fear the ramifications of doing so. This way, the unsaid 'but...', should provide a bit of leeway.

Genuine issues with refereeing can be identified by managers giving not a toss about ramifications immediately post-match, and saying so.

 

[Guinness Boy]

'I don't want to criticise the referee'

Used by managers who absolutely do want to criticise the ref to ensure there's a scapegoat for the team's poor performance other than themselves, but fear the ramifications of doing so. This way, the unsaid 'but...', should provide a bit of leeway.

Genuine issues with refereeing can be identified by managers giving not a toss about ramifications immediately post-match, and saying so.

Absolutely this. See also that hideous general modern idiom 'I'm not being funny', the translation of which is you are, completely, but not funny ha ha.

 

[Guinness Boy]

"We'd have taken the draw before kick off"

Not if someone offered you the win you wouldn't....

 

[WATFORD zero]

'There was contact and so he was fully justified in performing a triple salco with pike'

 

[Grombleton]

Harry Redknapp

This. The man is a walking cliche.

 

[Gullflyinghigh]

'Left it all on the pitch'

Lies. They walked off.

From a material point of view (no pun intended) they're all fully clothed, physically, they're all alive, which leads me to think that they could have put more in.

 

[Easy 10]

"One we've crossed that white line..." - in other words, fill our heads with all the tactics and motivational speeches you want before kickoff, but frankly, its in one ear and out the other.

 

[driller]

Nice height for a goalie

 

[driller]

Gave 110%

 

[Mo Gosfield]

" My player told me that there was contact and that's good enough for me " ( clearly a dive and the manager knows it )
" Anyone can beat anyone else in this division " ( ..yeah but some win more than others )
" This club is just waiting to take off " ( Yes mate, but not under your management! )
" We paid them too much respect early doors " (..they were all over us, won the game in the first 30 mins and then coasted to victory )
" If we had put that early chance away it could have been a different game " ( ...hello...you lost 4-0...do you honestly believe that? )

 

[happypig]

"Welcome to ITV Football, I'm Adrian chiles"

 

[ConfusedGloryHunter]

One game I advocate at the moment is to drink every time someone says "in the final third"

 

[GT49er]

Meaningless words or phrases inserted because the brain can't move as fast as the tongue. It used to be "Yer know" three times per sentence. Now it's "Football club" - geez, if you're talking about ManU, Arsenal or the Albion or whatever, we know it's a ruddy football club!

 

[Box of Frogs]

What about players going for the 'second ball'?!?! I can only see one!

 

[Codner's Wallop]

"Despite the (heavy) defeat, I'm very proud of my players"

(I'm petrified they will turn on me unless I patronise them)

 

[Guy Crouchback]

"The ball is round and there are two goals", Kazimierz Górski.

"There are no weak teams in Europe anymore", every Ekstraklasa manager before a European competition game against a team from Malta, Liechtenstein or Faroe Islands.