Just cleared out the right nostril and a HUGE greenie was produced. 1.9 inches in length, solid at one end but slimy at the other.
BEAT THAT
BEAT THAT
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Longest ever BOGEY
- Thread starter El Presidente
- Start date
Man of Harveys
Well-known member
LIAR - prove it. That's longer than some people's cocks.
¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤
Banned
One fell out of my nostril last and onto my scrambled egg
I carried on eating it
I carried on eating it
Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Did you actually lay it out along a ruler then ? SUPERB.
I think I lose vital milimetres with part of it gathering under my fingernail as I drag it kicking and screaming from my nasal orifice. I have some stored under the passenger seat of my car, so assuming they've not shrunk too much in drying out, I'll see how my BIGGEST one measures up.
Might try weighing it as well on the wifes cooking scales.
I think I lose vital milimetres with part of it gathering under my fingernail as I drag it kicking and screaming from my nasal orifice. I have some stored under the passenger seat of my car, so assuming they've not shrunk too much in drying out, I'll see how my BIGGEST one measures up.
Might try weighing it as well on the wifes cooking scales.
Last edited:
- Thread starter
- #5
Man of Harveys said:
PM me your phone number and I will send photographic evidence
- Thread starter
- #6
Easy 10 said:
It was so big there is still a satisfactory sting in the nostril, not dissimilar to the feeling of joy in the sphincter that lasts for half an hour following a Grade I/II dump
Easy 10
Brain dead MUG SHEEP
Was there a little bit of BLOOD in it as well ? Always a bonus, that.
Franks Wild Years
New member
I once hawked up a greenie that had a diameter of over 7 cm's. I was about 14 at the time and had hay fever. It happened on the roundabout in Bolney Recreation ground.
Dave the OAP
Well-known member
625 yards Port Mellion golf course...par 5....did it in 6
"coat"
"coat"
Statto
007
Dies Irae said:
At fist i thought this was a golf thread too.
hitony
Administrator
This is what this message board needs, some good old down to earth facts, something everyone can participate in, male or female, well done El Pres, im proud of you mate, i hope more will learn from you, and continue this good work, espcially now the football seasons finished, lets see lots more of this kind of thread, 
- Aug 7, 2003
- 8,425
WORST JOB I EVER HAD
CLIVE [PETER COOK]: What's - was the worst job you had?
DEREK [DUDLEY MOORE]: The worst job I ever had?
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: [COUGHS]
CLIVE: What, it was just that? Coughing?
DEREK: Well, I had to collect up, it was a very difficult job, I had to collect up every year - financial year, you know, April. . .
CLIVE: Every ear? Whose ears did you collect up?
DEREK: . . .A - no, wait, no, 'year'. April to April.
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: [BELCHES] Pardon. All the phlegm what Winston Churchill had gobbed out into his bucket by the bed.
CLIVE: Oh, God, yes, I was offered that job. . .
DEREK: And. . .
CLIVE: . . .but I said, "No, I'm not going to collect all that phlegm 'cos he has so many cigars, so much brandy, I am not, as a human being, going to go round with buckets collecting that f***ing phlegm."
DEREK: Well, I'll tell you. . .
CLIVE: I said, "I'm not going to touch it." I said, "I won't touch it,". . .
DEREK: No.
CLIVE: "I'd rather be a destitute."
DEREK: The problem was, the problem was, what constituted one piece of phlegm, because, as you can imagine. . .
CLIVE: This is the problem.
DEREK: . . .the f***ing stuff was all in different shapes and sizes.
CLIVE: Yeah. Some green, some blue, some brown.
DEREK: You used to get a well-defined bogie here and there, nice and crisp, you know, streaky, and you knew where you were. But then you used to get like a six inch green one which was sort of umbilically tied to another one or
two, it was like, you know, a f***ing myriad.
CLIVE: This is what put me off the job, frankly.
DEREK: Well, I went insane, well, you know.
CLIVE: For how long?
DEREK: Well, for about a fortnight, I went completely off my head. I went on aspirin.
CLIVE: But Winston Churchill's bogies, I mean, have turned many a man to aspirin, which is a lethal drug. It can turn a man to bogies, which Winston Churchill was on.
DEREK: The trouble was he used to take bogies in secret, you see?
CLIVE: What, he had them in a cupboard. . .
DEREK: He had. . .
CLIVE: . . .which no-one could see?
DEREK: He was a secret bogier. He used to have bottles of the stuff - I used to collect it up for him. I never realised that he was, in fact, taking it of a night.
CLIVE: And then just blowing it out.
DEREK: And then blowing it out in the f***ing morning! I
mean. . .
CLIVE: And it. . .
DEREK: You didn't know where you f***ing were. I came in the morning. . .
CLIVE: Well, ho -
DEREK: . . .there was the same f***ing bogie on the bedspread. I thought, "f*** me! I only collected this one last night and there's the xxxx lying on the f***ing bedspread again," you see. And I, you know, I thought I was seeing things. I had a feeling of deja vu.
CLIVE: Well, it must have been tricky for you 'cos I remember hearing stories about Winston's bogies which were unbelievable because, er, you know, he could produce a bogie as big as the Titanic. The trouble was they didn't sink. Ohh, it was dreadful. . .
DEREK: You know - you know why?
CLIVE: He threatened Hitler with it, didn't he?
DEREK: You know what happened?
CLIVE: He threatened Hitler with it.
DEREK: Well, the bogie that was as big as the Titanic. . .
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: . . .was in fact the Titanic! Did you know that?
CLIVE: Well, this is, this is what I heard.
DEREK: Yeah. The trouble - no. . .
CLIVE: I've never had it confirmed.
DEREK: Well, this is. . . [WHISPERING] now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.
CLIVE: [WHISPERING] now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.
DEREK: . . .but the bogie that Winston had that was like the Titanic was in fact…there was no such f***ing thing as the Ti - f***ing - tanic.
CLIVE: So people went to sea. . .
DEREK: People went, no, people thought it was the Titanic
but it wasn't! They were. . .
CLIVE: They went to sea on, on Winston. . .
DEREK: They went to sea on, on Winston's bogie.
CLIVE: . . .on Winston's bogie, yeah.
DEREK: And the fucker sank! And f***ing why not!
CLIVE: And, and they, they played on. They played on.
DEREK: They f***ing played on. Well. . .
CLIVE: The violinist kept playing while the bogie sank.
DEREK: The trouble is, you see, bogies are not really seaworthy.
CLIVE: Well, I've always. . .
DEREK: Winston was a xxxx!
CLIVE: I've always said this, I've always said this - you cannot float on a bogie. Don't try to cross the ocean on a bogie otherwise you're sunk. And who took any notice? f***ing nobody took any bloody notice!
DEREK: Right, and all those. . .
CLIVE: I'LL TELL YOU WHO TOOK NOTICE!
DEREK: WHO?
CLIVE: f***ing NOBODY TOOK NOTICE!
DEREK: Right!
CLIVE: That's who I'll tell you took notice!
DEREK: You're f***ing right, mate!
CLIVE: Yeah, nobody took f***ing notice!
DEREK: f***ing no-one!
CLIVE: No-one took notice!
DEREK: All those xxxxx!
CLIVE: All those xxxxx. . . Trooping onto the f***ing bogie! . . .went out to sea on Winston's bogie and what happened to them?
DEREK: S.S. f***ing Bogie!
CLIVE: They f***ing sunk, didn't they?
DEREK: Right, f***ing xxxxx!
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: Right.
CLIVE: So, the next time you see a travel brochure saying "Go to Majorca on Wi -
DEREK: On a bogie!
CLIVE: . . .on a bogie," forget it, mate! Forget it! Because that is the f***ing end of the world!
RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE
CLIVE [PETER COOK]: What's - was the worst job you had?
DEREK [DUDLEY MOORE]: The worst job I ever had?
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: [COUGHS]
CLIVE: What, it was just that? Coughing?
DEREK: Well, I had to collect up, it was a very difficult job, I had to collect up every year - financial year, you know, April. . .
CLIVE: Every ear? Whose ears did you collect up?
DEREK: . . .A - no, wait, no, 'year'. April to April.
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: [BELCHES] Pardon. All the phlegm what Winston Churchill had gobbed out into his bucket by the bed.
CLIVE: Oh, God, yes, I was offered that job. . .
DEREK: And. . .
CLIVE: . . .but I said, "No, I'm not going to collect all that phlegm 'cos he has so many cigars, so much brandy, I am not, as a human being, going to go round with buckets collecting that f***ing phlegm."
DEREK: Well, I'll tell you. . .
CLIVE: I said, "I'm not going to touch it." I said, "I won't touch it,". . .
DEREK: No.
CLIVE: "I'd rather be a destitute."
DEREK: The problem was, the problem was, what constituted one piece of phlegm, because, as you can imagine. . .
CLIVE: This is the problem.
DEREK: . . .the f***ing stuff was all in different shapes and sizes.
CLIVE: Yeah. Some green, some blue, some brown.
DEREK: You used to get a well-defined bogie here and there, nice and crisp, you know, streaky, and you knew where you were. But then you used to get like a six inch green one which was sort of umbilically tied to another one or
two, it was like, you know, a f***ing myriad.
CLIVE: This is what put me off the job, frankly.
DEREK: Well, I went insane, well, you know.
CLIVE: For how long?
DEREK: Well, for about a fortnight, I went completely off my head. I went on aspirin.
CLIVE: But Winston Churchill's bogies, I mean, have turned many a man to aspirin, which is a lethal drug. It can turn a man to bogies, which Winston Churchill was on.
DEREK: The trouble was he used to take bogies in secret, you see?
CLIVE: What, he had them in a cupboard. . .
DEREK: He had. . .
CLIVE: . . .which no-one could see?
DEREK: He was a secret bogier. He used to have bottles of the stuff - I used to collect it up for him. I never realised that he was, in fact, taking it of a night.
CLIVE: And then just blowing it out.
DEREK: And then blowing it out in the f***ing morning! I
mean. . .
CLIVE: And it. . .
DEREK: You didn't know where you f***ing were. I came in the morning. . .
CLIVE: Well, ho -
DEREK: . . .there was the same f***ing bogie on the bedspread. I thought, "f*** me! I only collected this one last night and there's the xxxx lying on the f***ing bedspread again," you see. And I, you know, I thought I was seeing things. I had a feeling of deja vu.
CLIVE: Well, it must have been tricky for you 'cos I remember hearing stories about Winston's bogies which were unbelievable because, er, you know, he could produce a bogie as big as the Titanic. The trouble was they didn't sink. Ohh, it was dreadful. . .
DEREK: You know - you know why?
CLIVE: He threatened Hitler with it, didn't he?
DEREK: You know what happened?
CLIVE: He threatened Hitler with it.
DEREK: Well, the bogie that was as big as the Titanic. . .
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: . . .was in fact the Titanic! Did you know that?
CLIVE: Well, this is, this is what I heard.
DEREK: Yeah. The trouble - no. . .
CLIVE: I've never had it confirmed.
DEREK: Well, this is. . . [WHISPERING] now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.
CLIVE: [WHISPERING] now keep it, keep it, like, very quiet.
DEREK: . . .but the bogie that Winston had that was like the Titanic was in fact…there was no such f***ing thing as the Ti - f***ing - tanic.
CLIVE: So people went to sea. . .
DEREK: People went, no, people thought it was the Titanic
but it wasn't! They were. . .
CLIVE: They went to sea on, on Winston. . .
DEREK: They went to sea on, on Winston's bogie.
CLIVE: . . .on Winston's bogie, yeah.
DEREK: And the fucker sank! And f***ing why not!
CLIVE: And, and they, they played on. They played on.
DEREK: They f***ing played on. Well. . .
CLIVE: The violinist kept playing while the bogie sank.
DEREK: The trouble is, you see, bogies are not really seaworthy.
CLIVE: Well, I've always. . .
DEREK: Winston was a xxxx!
CLIVE: I've always said this, I've always said this - you cannot float on a bogie. Don't try to cross the ocean on a bogie otherwise you're sunk. And who took any notice? f***ing nobody took any bloody notice!
DEREK: Right, and all those. . .
CLIVE: I'LL TELL YOU WHO TOOK NOTICE!
DEREK: WHO?
CLIVE: f***ing NOBODY TOOK NOTICE!
DEREK: Right!
CLIVE: That's who I'll tell you took notice!
DEREK: You're f***ing right, mate!
CLIVE: Yeah, nobody took f***ing notice!
DEREK: f***ing no-one!
CLIVE: No-one took notice!
DEREK: All those xxxxx!
CLIVE: All those xxxxx. . . Trooping onto the f***ing bogie! . . .went out to sea on Winston's bogie and what happened to them?
DEREK: S.S. f***ing Bogie!
CLIVE: They f***ing sunk, didn't they?
DEREK: Right, f***ing xxxxx!
CLIVE: Yeah.
DEREK: Right.
CLIVE: So, the next time you see a travel brochure saying "Go to Majorca on Wi -
DEREK: On a bogie!
CLIVE: . . .on a bogie," forget it, mate! Forget it! Because that is the f***ing end of the world!
RETURN TO TOP OF PAGE
El Presidente said:
Liar, she didn't make it in time, I hope you put on your best hobnailed boots and kicked her and kicked her in the
ing c for half a ing hour. And became the number one c kicker inner in the world. You just can't beat D&C. I know that the worlds stickiest bogey was Toxteth O'Grady, who also holds the record for marshmallows up one nostril FACT
Bakesy
Farting for ENGLAND!!!
14 minutes 8 seconds........beat that.
SussexSpur
New member
Great sketch, The Boss, but sure you didn't mean this one too...?
CLIVE:
You know that, er, f***ing Guinness Book of Records?
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....
DEREK:
Mmm-mm-mm.
CLIVE:
..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....
DEREK:
Shortest.
CLIVE:
..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, f*** it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... gradually building up.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....
DEREK:
Is that all?
CLIVE:
..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....
DEREK:
You were f***ing breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.
CLIVE:
I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....
DEREK:
Mm-hmmm.
CLIVE:
..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh f***, I've gone and f***ed it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....
DEREK:
Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....
CLIVE:
It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.
DEREK:
..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after f***ing no time.
CLIVE:
But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah-h-h.
CLIVE:
..... I was getting a good length going .....
DEREK:
Ohh, f***ing lovely, mate, I wish I .....
CLIVE:
..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....
DEREK:
Tch, phhwww .....
CLIVE:
..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.
DEREK:
That's about ten foot away, right?
CLIVE:
Ten yards away.
DEREK:
Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.
CLIVE:
But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....
DEREK:
Ohhh, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... like, er, like f***ing spaghetti, you know.
DEREK:
Well, bogies do that, they loop.
CLIVE:
Y-, they looped.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....
DEREK:
S-
CLIVE:
..... pick up dust and get disqualified.
DEREK:
Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, you can't afford .....
DEREK:
..... inexoribly.
CLIVE:
..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.
DEREK:
Well, no, f***ing right, yeah.
CLIVE:
But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......
DEREK:
Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....
CLIVE:
..... on the light socket.
DEREK:
..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, 'll .....
CLIVE:
..... is very much like a bogey.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... hanging it out, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... er, in my wake, so to speak.
DEREK:
Yeah, so of just very easily .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Well, you .....
CLIVE:
So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....
DEREK:
Oh-h, blimey, you were .....
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, get in here .....
DEREK:
..... crafty!
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....
DEREK:
f***ing stupid cow.
CLIVE:
..... busy.
DEREK:
'cause she didn't realise .....
CLIVE:
An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE f***ing GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT f***ing TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....
DEREK:
Yeah, .....
CLIVE:
..... the chain bro- .....
DEREK:
..... she suddenly got interested.
CLIVE:
No, no, no, .....
DEREK:
No?
CLIVE:
..... the chain broke.
DEREK:
Oh, f***!!
CLIVE:
So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....
DEREK:
What a xxxx.
CLIVE:
..... all I had was a long line of .....
DEREK:
Oh, don't tell me, re-
CLIVE:
..... snot on the floor.
DEREK:
Oh, f*** HER! f***ing xxxx!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! f***ing DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!
CLIVE:
Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-
DEREK:
OH, f***ing SLAG!
CLIVE:
SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?
DEREK:
Ohh ..... go on.
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, f-
CLIVE:
..... you've tested me in the past," .....
DEREK:
Oh, f*** her.
CLIVE:
..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......
DEREK:
Phhwww!
CLIVE:
..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... AS THE NUMBER ONE xxxx KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE xxxx FOR HALF A f***ing HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the xxxx wouldn't even get up!
DEREK:
What a xxxx!
CLIVE:
You know that, er, f***ing Guinness Book of Records?
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
I've always wanted to be in there becau- .....
DEREK:
Mmm-mm-mm.
CLIVE:
..... 'cause they've got all the records that people have done things, you know, for the longest and .....
DEREK:
Shortest.
CLIVE:
..... highest and everything 'n' that. And, erm, I was in, er, the living room the other day and, er, I felt I was going to sneeze, you know.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And I suddenly thought: 'Well, no, f*** it, I won't sneeze, I'll reserve it'. And every half-hour when I wanted to sneeze, you know, I reserved it instead of blowing it out into the hanky an' that. And when I'd got a good pile of it up my nose and - I think it was running down my troat actually 'cause I had so much of it, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... gradually building up.
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
I thought: 'I'll try and establish the Guinness Book of Records' record for the longest trail of snot in the world'.
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
And, er, I just sat there, you know, and I thought I had enough. I thought I had about at least ten yards. And I .....
DEREK:
Is that all?
CLIVE:
..... I was watching, erm, '3-2-1' with Ted Rogers.
DEREK:
Mmmm.
CLIVE:
And, er, great programme, that, c-, I got a bit carried away during it .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... and I almost forgot that I had this, you know, tonnes of snot up my nose and down my throat and it was almost beginning to kill me. And I thought: 'What am I doing?' And I suddenly realised what I was doing, and so .....
DEREK:
You were f***ing breaking the world record, mate, that's what you were doing.
CLIVE:
I was breaking the world record, that was what I was after!
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
So, very delicately, I put up my forefinger and my thumb .....
DEREK:
Mm-hmmm.
CLIVE:
..... to my nose. And I thought: 'Oh f***, I've gone and f***ed it', 'cause the first bit I got was very hard and I thought: 'It's all gone hard and I won't be able string it out at all'. But, as luck would have it, you know, it was only the first bit .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... which had got clotted and hard. And .....
DEREK:
Well, it had probably been in contact with the air, you see, just got a bit .....
CLIVE:
It had been-, yes, on the outside of the nostril, there.
DEREK:
..... bit dried out. Unlike Weetabix which gets soggy after f***ing no time.
CLIVE:
But, anyway, I pulled and I pulled, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah-h-h.
CLIVE:
..... I was getting a good length going .....
DEREK:
Ohh, f***ing lovely, mate, I wish I .....
CLIVE:
..... and I thought I'd, erm, .....
DEREK:
Tch, phhwww .....
CLIVE:
..... I'd try and get right over to the light fitting on the right, you know, .....
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
..... we have a light fitting to the right of the sofa.
DEREK:
That's about ten foot away, right?
CLIVE:
Ten yards away.
DEREK:
Ten yards away? Oh-h, I thought it was ten foot.
CLIVE:
But the only problem was it kept looping, you know, .....
DEREK:
Ohhh, yeah.
CLIVE:
..... like, er, like f***ing spaghetti, you know.
DEREK:
Well, bogies do that, they loop.
CLIVE:
Y-, they looped.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
And my fear was they'd touch the floor .....
DEREK:
S-
CLIVE:
..... pick up dust and get disqualified.
DEREK:
Oh, what, for sagging t-, in-, you know, .....
CLIVE:
Yeah, you can't afford .....
DEREK:
..... inexoribly.
CLIVE:
..... to let your bogey sag. And, it seemed like hours .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... it probably was only about, erm, ten minutes.
DEREK:
Well, no, f***ing right, yeah.
CLIVE:
But I got to the wall, hung this dry bogey ......
DEREK:
Did you use that sticky stuff t-, to, er, .....
CLIVE:
..... on the light socket.
DEREK:
..... t-, to, you know, make it sure i-, make sure it was there.
CLIVE:
Yeah, I got a kind of plastic gummy stuff which, erm, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, 'll .....
CLIVE:
..... is very much like a bogey.
DEREK:
Mmm.
CLIVE:
Which you can get a Woolworths. And I stuck the bogey to the-, to the wall just under the light fitting and then I - very cautiously - drew back, you know, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... hanging it out, .....
DEREK:
Yeah.
CLIVE:
..... er, in my wake, so to speak.
DEREK:
Yeah, so of just very easily .....
CLIVE:
Yeah.
DEREK:
Well, you .....
CLIVE:
So I had about-, about a ten yard loop of green snot, you know, between my nose and the wall and I suddenly panicked 'cause I know the Guinness Book of Records requires verification. So I called Dolly .....
DEREK:
Oh-h, blimey, you were .....
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, get in here .....
DEREK:
..... crafty!
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, get in here quick with the polaroid, I want a witness of this ten yard line of snot", and, er, she said, "Oh, no, I can't, I'm busy, you know, I'm .....
DEREK:
f***ing stupid cow.
CLIVE:
..... busy.
DEREK:
'cause she didn't realise .....
CLIVE:
An' I said-, I said-, I said, "LOOK, I'M GOING FOR THE f***ing GUINNESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS FOR A LONG TRAIL OF SNOT, I'VE GOT TEN YARDS HERE FOR YOU TO PHOTOGRAPH AND IT'S ABOUT f***ing TIME YOU STARTED BEHAVING LIKE A WIFE!!!" And because I got over-heated .....
DEREK:
Yeah, .....
CLIVE:
..... the chain bro- .....
DEREK:
..... she suddenly got interested.
CLIVE:
No, no, no, .....
DEREK:
No?
CLIVE:
..... the chain broke.
DEREK:
Oh, f***!!
CLIVE:
So, by the time she got in with the polaroid .....
DEREK:
What a xxxx.
CLIVE:
..... all I had was a long line of .....
DEREK:
Oh, don't tell me, re-
CLIVE:
..... snot on the floor.
DEREK:
Oh, f*** HER! f***ing xxxx!! HOW DARE SHE DO THAT TO YOU? MY MATE! f***ing DESTROYING YOUR-, YOUR BOGEY LIKE THAT!
CLIVE:
Shall I-, shall I tell-, shall I tell you-
DEREK:
OH, f***ing SLAG!
CLIVE:
SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID? SHALL I TELL YOU WHAT I DID?
DEREK:
Ohh ..... go on.
CLIVE:
I said, "Dolly, .....
DEREK:
Yeah, f-
CLIVE:
..... you've tested me in the past," .....
DEREK:
Oh, f*** her.
CLIVE:
..... I said, "we've been married fourteen years .....
DEREK:
Right.
CLIVE:
..... and you've tried a number of things. I was about to get into the Guinness Book of Records for the longest yardage of snot ......
DEREK:
Phhwww!
CLIVE:
..... between one nostril and the wall, and you let me down. And shall I tell you what I'm going to do NOW? I'M GONNA GET THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS TO RECOGNISE ME .....
DEREK:
(laughs)
CLIVE:
..... AS THE NUMBER ONE xxxx KICKER-IN IN THE WORLD!!" AND I SPREAD HER LEGS APART AND I PUT MY HUGE GREAT NAILED SHOES ON AND I KICKED HER! AND I KICKED HER IN THE xxxx FOR HALF A f***ing HOUR 'TIL I WAS EXHAUSTED! AND THEN I SAID, "DOLLY! WILL YOU GET A POLAROID OF THAT?!" And the xxxx wouldn't even get up!
DEREK:
What a xxxx!
Thats what I said, Daily Mirror Book Of Facts. 
bhaexpress
New member
Did you say Boogie ? Lynyrd Skynyrd ?
SussexSpur said:
Said that one to, I just bridged it, but great to see it written down. Right thats it, Ad Nauseum is the next cd on
SussexSpur
New member
The Boss said:
One of the few times Peter Cook is the one trying his best not to corpse...