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'Jokes' (merged)



Andrew

New member
May 15, 2008
3,002
Sussex
So there's an old man, who's been living in a village all his life, he heads into the local post office on his 82nd birthday.

He says to the women behind the counter:

"How old do you think I am, it's my birthday today."

The women looks baffled and confused, but she goes along with it and says "I dunno, 80, 81?"

"Nope" The man said.

"I'm 82 today."

The man asks the same questions to the women in the bakery, the women in the butchers and the women working the counter in the local co-operative.

All the women were wrong, and the man had his head held high that every women said he looked younger than he was.

He then heads into the local park, and goes up to a random woman and says:

"Hello, it's my birthday today, guess how old I am?!"

"I don't know, but I know how to find out." The woman said.

"Drop your trousers and boxers, and I'll show you." She said.

The man was very confused but decided do what she said, he dropped his trousers and pants.

The women continued to feel and examine his balls for a thorough 5 minutes, before saying that he was 82.

The man was amazed, he exclaimed: "How did you do that?"

The women then said, "I was behind you in the queue up at the post office."
 






















Muhammed - I’m hard - Bruce Lee

You can't change fighters
NSC Patron
Jul 25, 2005
10,887
on a pig farm
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "Why the long face?" The horse unable to speak english shits on the floor and leaves.
 




Pbseagull

New member
Sep 28, 2011
916
Eastbourne
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "Why the long face?" The horse unable to speak english shits on the floor and leaves.

A White Horse walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Whiskey, The Barman asks "what Whiskey would you like" White Horse Asks "What Whiskey do you have" "We have Bells,Teachers,Glenfiddich, Bushmills.. in fact we've even got a Whiskey named after you" White Horse says " What, you've got a whiskey called Dobbin?
 




A woman goes to the doctors because whatever she tries she just cannot get a boyfriend.
The doctor, who is Chinese, asks her to strip naked and get on all fours and crawl away from him to the end of the room and back towards him.
Confused, she does this anyway and then puts her clothes back on while the doctor is thinking.
After a while the doctor tells her she is suffering from "Edzakery syndrome"
What is Edzakery she asks, can it be treated, am I going to die?
No, says the doctor, it's when your face look edzakery like your arse.
 


Tricky Dicky

New member
Jul 27, 2004
13,558
Sunny Shoreham
A White Horse walks into a bar and asks the barman for a Whiskey, The Barman asks "what Whiskey would you like" White Horse Asks "What Whiskey do you have" "We have Bells,Teachers,Glenfiddich, Bushmills.. in fact we've even got a Whiskey named after you" White Horse says " What, you've got a whiskey called Dobbin?

I thought it was "Eric" ??
 






Matrix10

Member
Jun 7, 2011
501
Bexhill
Joke time

I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers."Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation.""Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked.
"How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah?"

"Then."
 




pishhead

Well-known member
Jul 9, 2003
5,247
Everywhere
Joey Barton is planning to join a new club this summer. He can't say which one, its first rule is you don't talk about it.
 


pishhead

Well-known member
Jul 9, 2003
5,247
Everywhere
My mate set me up on a blind date.

He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."

I felt like a right f***ing idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
 




The Antikythera Mechanism

The oldest known computer
NSC Patron
Aug 7, 2003
7,937
576928_459567530739372_205344452828349_100707896_1368983794_n.jpg


lol:)
 




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