Joke Du Jour

[South Stand Bonfire]

Oxford University has just invested £50m in research to discover why a man's manhood is shaped the way it is. The research has concluded that it is for a man's pleasure.
Cambridge University has just invested £60m in research to discover why a man's manhood is shaped the way it is. The research has concluded that it is for a woman's pleasure.
Sussex University has just invested £30.55p m in research to discover why a man's manhood is shaped the way it is. The research has concluded that it is to stop your hand falling off the end.

 

[Bry Nylon]

Oxford University has just invested £50m in research to discover why a man's manhood is shaped the way it is. The research has concluded that it is for a man's pleasure.
Cambridge University has just invested £60m in research to discover why a man's manhood is shaped the way it is. The research has concluded that it is for a woman's pleasure.
Sussex University has just invested £30.55p m in research to discover why a man's manhood is shaped the way it is. The research has concluded that it is to stop your hand falling off the end.

Are you sure about your figures for Oxford and Cambridge? That seems an awful lot of money, especially as both sets of research have produced conflicting conclusions. I know there is a huge amount of academic rivalry between the two universities, but surely they would have been better off pooling their financial and intellectual resources.

As for the Sussex University research, I believe that can be discounted by any serious students of anatomy as the sum invested is, frankly, derisory, rendering any conclusions meaningless.

 

[Acker79]

What sort of practical applications would knowing the reason behind the shape of a man's penis have in the real world that justifies investing such obscene amounts of money?

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

I understand that the reasearch is actually an important factor in understanding the molecular build up of the bio technical tissue industry. Indeed, Kleenex has an IRR forecast which somewhat depends on the absorbant quality of some of its 2 or 3 ply products.

What sort of practical applications would knowing the reason behind the shape of a man's penis have in the real world that justifies investing such obscene amounts of money?

 

[South Stand Bonfire]

No Sir, you are incorrect. The investment amounts are correct and can be validated from any standard Dun & Bradstreet check. Even though you may find it hard to swallow.

Are you sure about your figures for Oxford and Cambridge? That seems an awful lot of money, especially as both sets of research have produced conflicting conclusions. I know there is a huge amount of academic rivalry between the two universities, but surely they would have been better off pooling their financial and intellectual resources.

As for the Sussex University research, I believe that can be discounted by any serious students of anatomy as the sum invested is, frankly, derisory, rendering any conclusions meaningless.

 

[Durlston]

100 cases of Glenfiddich scotch whisky were found in Jimmy Saville's flat after he died. Now it appears it wasn't the only cheeky fourteen-year-old that went down well that he enjoyed....

 

[Kumquat]

100 cases of Glenfiddich scotch whisky were found in Jimmy Saville's flat after he died. Now it appears it wasn't the only cheeky fourteen-year-old that went down well that he enjoyed....

Well clearly. As they found them in his flat, they clearly didn't go down at all. I don't think you've thought this frankly quite weak story, or as I like to call it, lies, through to the conclusion.

 

[Durlston]

Did Jimmy Saville play football? Yes, but only if there was grass on the pitch.

 

[Titanic]

I can drive a semantic morass of a bus through the logic in those jokes.

No, you quite clearly can't drive a 'semantic morass of a bus'.

 

[Questions]

100 cases of Glenfiddich scotch whisky were found in Jimmy Saville's flat after he died. Now it appears it wasn't the only cheeky fourteen-year-old that went down well that he enjoyed....

Gledfiddich age their Scotch Whiskies for 12, 15 and 18 years respectively.
If a 14 year old malt was found in his residence I for one would be most surprised.

 

[Titanic]

Gledfiddich age their Scotch Whiskies for 12, 15 and 18 years respectively.
If a 14 year old malt was found in his residence I for one would be most surprised.

Couldn't it be some 12yo he bought a couple of years ago, before his health started failing?

 

[Questions]

Couldn't it be some 12yo he bought a couple of years ago, before his health started failing?

He could have gone with a Glen Scotia from Campbelltown who do a fine 14 year old and that would have had me laughing even now.

 

[brakespear]

As a guest, but his own show was on ITV

started off on BBC with 'EBC' when I was young.....don't remember him on ITV until 'The Pink Windmill'.

 

[Monsieur Wabee]

After the Jimmy Saville news, more scandal at the BBC, as someone is now saying they saw Rod Hull fisting a young bird in the 70's

I have literally just spat tea all over my PC screen. Genius!

 

[Titus]

Gledfiddich age their Scotch Whiskies for 12, 15 and 18 years respectively.
If a 14 year old malt was found in his residence I for one would be most surprised.

Now if we're going to be pedantic, there is no such company as Gledfiddich. If you mean Glenfiddich then they do indeed make a 14 year old rich oak reserve.

 

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

Sadly, a group of vigilante dyslexics have just beaten seven kinds of shit out of Jimmy Summerville!

 

[Bill Cassidy's tie up]

As my girlfriend and I headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about the kinky things we'd do to each other . She's just read 50 Shades of Grey and mentioned she's always wanted to be handcuffed.
So I put a kilo of coke in her suitcase

 

[Dorset Seagull]

The farm inspector asked the farmer why one of his pigs only had 3 legs.
"that's hero pig, he raised the alarm when the farm caught fire and saved all our lives" replied the farmer
"is that how he lost a leg" enquired the inspector
"no" said he farmer
"so how did it happen?" asked the inspector
To which the farmer replied "Well when you have one as good as that you don't eat him all at once!"

 

[Seagull on the wing]

I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a muslim sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel - killing him instantly.
He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed.

My wife said 'darling you're shaking, what is it?'
'you'll never believe what I've just seen' I said, 'that bastard next door has still got my f**king shovel'.

 

[Cheeky Monkey]

As my girlfriend and I headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about the kinky things we'd do to each other . She's just read 50 Shades of Grey and mentioned she's always wanted to be handcuffed.
So I put a kilo of coke in her suitcase

Would the weight of the coke, added to the weight of the other items she packed, not have raised her suspicions and have led to her taking a look in the suitcase before the pair of you exited your hotel room though?!