Joke Du Jour

[HAILSHAM SEAGULL]

My Scouser mate has just got his kids a trampoline from the internet.
I asked him which website he saw it on?
He said "Google Maps!!"

 

[Crackpot]

The Pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool.A scouser walks on stage and asks: "Can you help with my hearing?’’

The Pope says he will try his best and places his hands over the blokes ears. He then prays, removes his hands and asks: "How is your hearing now?’’

"I don’t know. It’s not until next Wednesday’’

 

[ifuhatepalacestandup]

Compiled from Navy staff performance appraisals


Since my last report, this officer has reached rock bottom and has started to dig

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity

I would not allow this officer to breed

This officer is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't be

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet

This young lady has delusions of adequacy

He sets low personal standards then consistently fails to achieve them

This officer is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

This officer should go far and the sooner the better

Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together

A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus

He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless

He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier

This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar

He's been working with glue too much

He would argue with a signpost

He has a knack of making strangers immediately

He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell

If you see two people talking and one looks bored he's the other one

A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens

A prime candidate for natural deselection

Donated his brain to science before he was done using it

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it

If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean

It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm

One neuron short of a synapse

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he just gargled

Takes him 1 and 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes

The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead

The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle

Technically sound, but socially impossible

This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere

When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably

He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age

This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet

 

[phoenix]

The Pope is handing out miracles in Liverpool.A scouser walks on stage and asks: "Can you help with my hearing?’’

The Pope says he will try his best and places his hands over the blokes ears. He then prays, removes his hands and asks: "How is your hearing now?’’

"I don’t know. It’s not until next Wednesday’’

 

[Twizzle]

My Scouser mate has just got his kids a trampoline from the internet.
I asked him which website he saw it on?
He said "Google Maps!!"

Bloody ad for trampolines appeared at the top of the page!
Tell a joke about pussy cats or blue tits

 

[Brovion]

Many years ago a bloke, an American it was actually, walked into a theatrical agents and said, "I wanna be a film star."
"What's your name?" asked the agent
"Heimlich Snickleheimhaus" he replied.
"Hmm", said the agent, "you'll have to change that, you need something more snappy. Also, I'm sorry to say, a bit more English."
"Yeah," replied the bloke, "I thought you might say that, so I thought I'd call myself 'Richard Lorry Lesbian'. English sounding, and the words fit together quite well."
The agent shook his head. "Still won't work, still not snappy enough."
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The bloke thought for a bit. "I know!", he exclaimed, "I could shorten it to Dick van Dyke!"