Hanging on when needing a piss...

[Scotty Mac]

i once ate some non-cooked sausages for breakfast while i was in toronto, and around 30 minutes later i found myself cramping over in pain. my stomach felt like it was going to explode, i just had to find a toilet. diving into the underground path network that was pretty much deserted as it was a public holiday, i legged it to the first toilet i could find which happened to be a womens and made it to a cubicle just in time before what i can only describe as an explosion of liquid shit sprayed into the toilet

it was easily the most relieving experience on my life, so much so i nearly cried with joy

 

[Jimmy Grimble]

Word of advice many of you are probably aware of: never have a curry the night before an early train journey.



Never.


It happened to me on the way to Villa. Nice curry in the Raj Pavilion the night before, nothing too spicy, just an enjoyable lamb murhad with a few pints of beer. Everything was well until the train from Euston. It was here when things took a sharp turn for the worse. I could start to a feel a bit of a queasy motion in my stomach. A few small belly rumbles here and there turned into volcanic explosions within my intestines. The fact the heating seemed to be on full-blast didn't help matters; I had already taken my coat and jumper off but was still feeling the humid blasts pumping out of those heaters.

It wasn't long before I had to march on down the train and dispense of the night-befores belongings into a safer place for the rest of society. Well, that's what I thought. Mid-way through exporting my goods it became apparent this was a slippery and very heated task. I was literally busting a gut and breaking out in a severe sweat; I got so hot I had to whip my shirt off to relent some of the perspiration.

The worst was yet to come though. Having finished my job I was relatively relieved; I could get back to worrying about more important things like who would win in a fight between Adebayo Akinfenwa and a humanised version of Wario from Mario Kart. Or so I thought. The f***ing shit wouldn't flush. Not now. Please not now. Not on the train with people stood outside waiting. Complete horror show. I frantically plunged, desperately trying to remove the mess. After some serious effort and several flushes half of it had gone, but the rest wasn't moving.

I gave up. I had to leave it there. The crusade could not go on. So I left. I pressed the button to open the door and it slid-open agonisingly, with the waiting crowd's disgruntled faces slowly appearing one by one. I was overridden with guilt knowing the pain my body excursions was about to inflict on them. That was of course until one little detail changed things...




As I walked out the toilet I shamefully looked towards the passengers-in-waiting as if to say sorry to them for what they were about to experience . Imagine the delight, however, I experienced when on observation it turned out the next two people the queue were PALACE FANS! Oh the smug smile it put back on my face knowing those tools were about to feel the wrath of my left-over shit!


So, I guess the moral of the story is: do have a curry the night before if you’re sharing a train with Palace.

 

[maffew]

I woke up at 4am Sunday morning at my girlfriends grandads house on the sofa a bit worse for wear, without my glasses bursting for the loo

stumbling about in the dark I thought his floor to ceiling cabinet with 200+ videos in was the door.

and pulled it down

most of them appropriately were Laurel and Hardy

I almost wet myself which would have been bad

 

[dazman]

Coach journeys on vehicles without toilets can be agony if you aren't brave enough to make use of a bottle or something similar. A trip to Sheffield some years back springs to mind - not sure whether me or my mate was in a worse state when we finally stopped.

Can't believe anyone would actually wet themselves though, however didn't a Southampton (or maybe it was Portsmouth) player infamously do that on the way to a match when he was a trainee?

 

[Kinky Gerbil]

When I was about 14 we were on a really long car journey once, I was BURSTING for a piss and my dad refused to stop anywhere to let me go. It'd been about 2 hours by this point and I really started to fear getting erectile difficulties in later life so I had this ingenious idea of if I just let a little bit of wee out now, it would ease my pain and my pants would soak it up anyway if I just did a little bit. But of course as soon as I started to release it, the whole lot came out. I'd completely pissed myself as a young adult and I was so embarassed. I had to explain to my father why I and his car seats in his prized BMW stank of urine. He was furious and told ALL our family and friends. I felt so alone and despondant, like a horrible little piss-dripping slut.

Is that when he raped you to make sure you didnt do it again?

 

[MJsGhost]

I know it's slightly weird, but I like to put off having a slash even when there's no need. If I'm at work, at home or wherever and within metres of the kharsi, I'll hold it in - even drinking more water, before finally giving in and having the most satisfying, race horse-like piss imaginable. The sense of euphoria is brilliant.

The good thing is, my bladder now has an awesome capacity thanks to its training so I'm rarely caught short (unless on purpose)

 

[¤DãŃn¥ §êãGüLL¤]

Is that when he raped you to make sure you didnt do it again?

That would only encourage me.

 

[DIFFBROOK]

I live about an hours bus ride from Leeds. So when I'm out drinking, I just know that the journey home will be a ride from hell.

That last bus home, bumping along, winding its way slowly through country lanes. My urge to go generally starts within 15 mins of that journey. I just sit there, first legs crossed and then moving around in my seat. Almost holding myself.

The worst is when some old dear gets on, going through her purse. I almost want to get up there and throttle her or at least pay her fare to hurry her along.

Once I'm at my destination, I quickly get off find a bush and quickly go up that. The relief, I'm almost in tears. At times like that, its better than sex.

I've thought about taking plastic bottles on the bus home. Infact one night I did. I sat right at the back of a double decker and with no one around me, tried to go. I just couldn't.

 

[wellquickwoody]

It always happens to me at airports to the point i don't drink at all now before i'm on the plane. At least twice i've been sitting in my seat thinking "get this fecking plane in the air so i can have piss!" This even happens when i have made sure i have been at the last minute before going through the gate! It must be the thought that i can't go that makes me want to go.

I had been sat on the plane for 40 mins at Heathrow, all the time with the 'seat belt light' on. Queued for ages for a slot and missed it twice. On two occasions I had asked the flight staff if I could use the loo etc and was told 'no, under any circumstances while the light was on!. In the end I HAD to go and so I sprinted to the loo before anyone could stop me. After doing the deed I opened the door to hear engines screaming as we hurtled up the runway. The aircrew tried to give me a right b*****king after I fell into my seat as the front wheel headed skywards. Silly tossers!

 

[dazman]

I've thought about taking plastic bottles on the bus home. In fact one night I did. I sat right at the back of a double decker and with no one around me, tried to go. I just couldn't.

I know what you mean!

I tried that on the coach journey I mentioned but I just couldn't let go whilst sitting in my seat, no matter how desperate I was.

I reckon blokes are conditioned not to piss whilst sitting down!!

 

[skipper734]

On a 10 seater plane, I knelt at the back and had found an orange juice carton. Good job it was a 1 Litre carton! The 10 seats also were full of blokes and I was the boss, so no worries.
When they were making the M25 4 lanes, I was stuck in the outside lane for over an hour or so going nowhere at 8 o'clock in the morning. No hard-shoulder and nothing to pee in. I rummaged under the seat and found a plastic shopping bag, Tesco's, they have holes in!
Fortunately there was another one, so one went inside the other and I hoped the holes didn't line up, they didn't.
Right get your tackle out, have a look round nobody looking and off we go. Stop there's a coach pulled up along side. O bugger it i can't stop now. The relief ahhh.
When I finally got out of the jam and the hard shoulder began again, there must have been about 20 cars with blokes standing relieving themselves at the side of the motorway.
There are lots of other occasions involving yachts in storms, but hey when your wet through your not going to get any wetter.

 

[markychap]

Not exactly what the topic is about but I've been reading Mark Lawrenson's autobiograhy and he tell a story about when he was a player and was on a trip abroad with Eire and another player who was with Ipswich at the time had some bad food at the hotel and was struck down with a sudden and violent tummy upset halfway on a long coach journey. The police wouldn't let them stop for security reasons and there was no toilet on the coach...

I won't go into details, but I'm sure you can guess the inevitable outcome!!

 

[markychap]

(time for a bump)

I was looking through old threads that I'd contributed too...

...there must be some more amusing 'toilet tales' out there, surely?

 

[Sam Ovett]

A few years ago, I was at school and got the 'shits' so asked to go home. Waited in the medical office, was okay, and got in the car after about half an hour. Two minutes into the half an hour journey home, I needed to empty myself but was in the car...Having to hold in a gush of shit for near half an hour was absolutely killer, but I survived and I think it was a constant stream for about 10 seconds

 

[tonymgc]

When i went to see Green Day at Milton Keynes a few years ago it was probably the hottest day off the year so the drinks flowed & my bladder got fuller & fuller.
By the time i realised it would be a sensible idea to take a piss there were swarms of flies & a massive queue for the portaloo's. My mate i went with missed one of the support acts queueing.
Anyways i held it, And held it, And held it.
Once we got back to the coach the first thing i did was locate the toilet. However i couldn't find the light switch, So in my desperation i got it out started peeing & hope i'd get at least some of it in the toilet.

 

[Sam Ovett]

When i went to see Green Day at Milton Keynes a few years ago it was probably the hottest day off the year so the drinks flowed & my bladder got fuller & fuller.
By the time i realised it would be a sensible idea to take a piss there were swarms of flies & a massive queue for the portaloo's. My mate i went with missed one of the support acts queueing.
Anyways i held it, And held it, And held it.
Once we got back to the coach the first thing i did was locate the toilet. However i couldn't find the light switch, So in my desperation i got it out started peeing & hope i'd get at least some of it in the toilet.

Did you?

 

[Barrel of Fun]

[yt]1dZ4H4SO0kY[/yt]

 

[edna krabappel]

Not exactly what the topic is about but I've been reading Mark Lawrenson's autobiograhy and he tell a story about when he was a player and was on a trip abroad with Eire and another player who was with Ipswich at the time had some bad food at the hotel and was struck down with a sudden and violent tummy upset halfway on a long coach journey. The police wouldn't let them stop for security reasons and there was no toilet on the coach...

I won't go into details, but I'm sure you can guess the inevitable outcome!!

This is the one with the souvenir tablecloths given to the team by their Eastern European hosts isn't it?

 

[edna krabappel]

All I can say is...in most of these situations- at least the piss related ones- you have no IDEA how lucky you are to be born male. It's FAR more difficult if you're a woman.

On a similar note, I remember reading a thread on the Palace BBS once entitled something like "Have you ever shat yourself as an adult?". I know it's Palace but I was almost crying with laughter reading some of the stories

 

[tonymgc]

Did you?

I got the toilet seat, And piss covered trainers.