Favourite one-liners from comedy sitcoms

[Eeyore]

'I hear you're a racist now, Father. Good for you.'

 

[The Rattler]

"Don't tell him Pike"

 

[Bakero]

This crack's really moreish.

 

[wolfie]

From Fawlty Towers

"I'm a doctor and I demand my sausages"

 

[WATFORD zero]

Rick: Do any of you lot know Summer Holiday by Cliff Richard?
Suggs: You hum it, I'll smash your face in.

 

[Jack Straw]

From "Citizen Smith".
Wolfie's girlfriend's mother answers the phone. Listens for a few seconds and says, "It's either Tucker or an obscene phone call."

 

[KT17]

Corporal Jones: "All gentlemen are not unbiased!
Lord Kitchener was a gentleman and he wasn't unbiased. Especially with the Fuzzy Wuzzies.
"Shoot them!" he said, and you can't get more biased than that!"

 

[Prince Monolulu]

Uncle Albert: ... One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze

 

[dennis]

Only Fools and Horses

Corinne" What's wrong with my canary?"
Del "He looks alright to me Corinne"
Corrine" Yeah but when I went to work this morning he was dead!"

 

[Shatner's Bassoon]

That's my Ukrainian girlfriend. She's mildly cretinous.

 

[Raleigh Chopper]

Harry Enfield
The tannoy at Victoria coach station.

"The next coach to Liverpool leaves in 10 minutes, will all scousers please piss off back to where they came from"

 

[pasty]

Porridge

Medical Office: See those flasks over there Fletcher, I want you to fill one
Fletcher: What, from here?

 

[dazzer6666]

Was he wild when you found him?

Wild? I was livid!

Gerald the Gorilla, NTNON

 

[Captain Sensible]

'Why won't you let me take the lens cap off?'
'Because they're not real Bino-coli-ers.'
The Young Ones Flood.

 

[albionfan37]

It wasn't me delboy it was me brain

 

[cheshunt seagull]

Absolutely Fabulous. Edina and her mother

'Inside of me is a thin person just screaming to get out'
'Just the one dear'

 

[Bolton va va]

"How far away are they ?" - Phoenix Nights

 

[Brovion]

Royle Family:

Jim: "Right, we're all off down the pub. Barbara, get your coat."
Barbara (excitedly) "Ohh, am I coming with you?"
Jim: "No, but I'm turning off the heating."

(Yeah more than one line I know)

 

[Brovion]

Absolutely Fabulous. Edina and her mother

'Inside of me is a thin person just screaming to get out'
'Just the one dear'

Another one from AbFab:

Eddie: "I'm overweight darling, why am I so overweight?"
Saffy: "Because you eat too much, drink too much and do absolutely zero exercise."
Eddie: "No, that can't be the reason, it must be an allergy."

 

[BadFish]

Do you like circuses?