Does anyone have any Jokes?

[So.CalGull]

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Dnosaur

Without being to pedantic...

A Dinosaur with one eye is a "doyouthinkhesawus"

And a fish with no eye is a "fsh"

 

[Seagull27]

Did you hear about the magical tractor? It turned into a field.

What type of bees produce milk? BOOBIES.

Crystal Palace Football Club.

 

[Brovion]

A lorryload of wigs has been stolen. Police are combing the area.

A bloke in Hampshire crossed Nigel Adkins with a tiger. It talked a lot of rubbish - but you listened.

 

[salty seagull]

An Irish Wolfhound was laying under a tree chewing a bone,when he stood up his leg fell off!

 

[I'll Get Me Coat]

4 Nuns arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter says:

"There are certain things you have may have to confess and seek forgivenss for before you can come in"

"Have you ever seen a man's penis, Mother Brigette?" she replies yes I have. "Then wash out your eyes with holywater in the fountain"

"Have to ever touched a man's penis Mother Geraldene?" she also replies yes I stroked one once. " Then you wash your hands with holywater from the fountain"

Just then there was a lot of scuffling and pushing for position amongst the nuns and St Peter said "please ladies, what's all the excitement about"

Mother Mary replies "well if i've got to wash my mouth out with holywater I want to do it before Mother Maureen puts her big fat arse in it."

 

[I'll Get Me Coat]

I posted this on another thread last couple of days, but I thought it was funny

Palace fan get sent to jail
He enters his new cell and is introduced to his new cellmate
Cellmate informs the Palace fan that in here we play 'Mummys and Daddys'
Who do you want to be ??
Palace fans says 'Daddy'
So his cellmate says..............
Great, get over here and suck Mummy's cock !!!

 

[BHAMAN]

It's the end of the season and the last ever game to be played at The Withdean, and a man makes his way to his seat right on the halfway line in South Stand. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone’s going to be sitting there.
"No" says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for a sell-out game and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Albion game we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to bring with?"
The man shakes his head.
“No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

 

[bhaexpress]

What do you call Bambi if he went blind ?


No idea

 

[BHAMAN]

What do you call a man with no arms, no legs, no head and no body?


Dick

 

[Alfie22]

A dyslexic bank robber heads into the bank and says:"Nobody move, I have a gnu."

 

[seagullondon]

what do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?




gang rape

 

[joker]

Went to supermarket to get a stock cube, got told they have lamb, beef, chicken, vegetable and Crystal Palace
Crystal Palace? I enquired
Yes she said they are the laughing stock

 

[dannyboy]

Hope this doesn't offend .

Black bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder . The barman sees this and says Blimey that's weird where did you get that ?

The parrot replies "Africa there's f***ing millions of them"

 

[chucky1973]

Hope this doesn't offend .

Black bloke walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder . The barman sees this and says Blimey that's weird where did you get that ?

The parrot replies "Africa there's f***ing millions of them"

thats tickled me

 

[smalldino]

I was walking through the town centre today when i saw 2 blind guys squaring up for a fight. I shouted over " my money is on the one with the knife" i thought it was hilarious when they both ran away from each other and smashed into shop windows

 

[Albalbion]

my japanese girlfriend left me today... ahh well.. plenty more in the sea.









too soon?

 

[horam267]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but the real question is, how did they get in there?

 

[The Sock of Poskett]

I built a maze once. Put a sign on it reading: 'Privet - keep out'

I went busking with a pencil and a sketchpad the other day. Didn't earn any money but I did draw a crowd

I'm training for the 2012 Olympics one step at a time. So for the moment I've got athlete's foot

Told my mate 50 was the new 30. Speed camera got him shortly after that.

The Queen visited a Post Office depot this morning. Security had to step in when someone tried to lick the back of her head



Like these? Head for Matt's Comedy Club, Worthing - next gig 28 April.
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[Biscuit]

my japanese girlfriend left me today... ahh well.. plenty more in the sea.









too soon?

WIP

 

[Biscuit]

The Japanese government has thanked Britain for sending them rescue dogs.

They have all said they tasted lovely.