[Misc] Do people really change?

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

I also have an ASD, while to some degree I do agree with your sentiment. I don't try to moderate my feelings, rather, I have tried bloody hard in the 20 years since my Dx to modify my behaviour. The biggest improvement has come from asking questions rather than assuming I understand the situation. It's not easy, especially when some people would rather speak between the lines rather than frankly. But yes, I am still prone to overreact.

Yes, modifying behaviour. I too have tried. With some success. The last relationship lasted 12 years but, alas, we have decided to live separately and Mrs T will move out in a month. I suppose.....the last few years I have sought to moderate my feelings. But, again alas, it is impossible. That said, I'm not sad. I feel alive. There is so much more to enjoy. My son is about to move into his first house (cock ups with the seller still possible) and he has finally got a court case for access to see his own son (long story) so it is battles, and hopefully good outcomes ahead. Thankfully I'm still getting 100% support from Mrs T. When my son found out our situation (Mrs T and I) he said he was more upset than when his biological mum and I split up. Anyway.... this thread seems as good a place to air and bury my travails. Keep yer 'ead down and your spirits up

 

[nickjhs]

Yes, modifying behaviour. I too have tried. With some success. The last relationship lasted 12 years but, alas, we have decided to live separately and Mrs T will move out in a month. I suppose.....the last few years I have sought to moderate my feelings. But, again alas, it is impossible. That said, I'm not sad. I feel alive. There is so much more to enjoy. My son is about to move into his first house (cock ups with the seller still possible) and he has finally got a court case for access to see his own son (long story) so it is battles, and hopefully good outcomes ahead. Thankfully I'm still getting 100% support from Mrs T. When my son found out our situation (Mrs T and I) he said he was more upset than when his biological mum and I split up. Anyway.... this thread seems as good a place to air and bury my travails. Keep yer 'ead down and your spirits up

Yep, pretty similar story here. You did well to have Mrs T living with you for so long. I recently split from a 14 year relationship, but we didn't live together. On a positive my friends came out of hiding to rejoice, so it wasn't all down to me. But yes, the phrase "with some success" rings loud and true with me. ASD mixed with social interaction is a bugger of a thing, I am just so grateful that I know about it now, in the past I went through social interactions like a wreaking ball, now I have more control of it but it swings around a bit just when I think I have it locked down.

 

[OzMike]

A lot of people don't like olives.

Then they get older and they like olives.

Crazy levels of change.

I haven't liked olives for 65 years now, though I don't mind olive oils, natural and flavoured.

 

[OzMike]

My wife says that it has taken me 65 years to calm down and be a bit more tolerant.
Coming up from rough areas in a one parent family breeds in a survival instinct which is hard to shake.
I used to fight a lot, though was not an instigator, rare now, but still known to deal with situations when pushed.
Was worried when having children, as I had no 'father figure' experience to call on, seem to have done ok though.

 

[Cheggers]

Yes. Otherwise Rocky's big speech at the end of Rocky 4 was all lies.

 

[Dr Q]

A lot of people don't like olives.

Then they get older and they like olives.

Crazy levels of change.

They are the devil's tagnuts, evil things. As I get older my dislike of them increases!

 

[Swegulls]

Me hanging around here means a Yes, sort of ... it's so cozy here!

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

I’m trying to generate a culture change at work - from CBA to a first rate customer service ethos.

In this business, like the others where I’ve done the same thing, the following is true:

1. The younger folk are less cynical and more willing to change.
2. The people who have longest tenure are most resistant to change (although related to the first point, it’s not a direct correlation), and thus most likely to need to find another job.
3. There’s one chap whose behaviour was alarmingly bad 15 months’ ago but is now brilliant. He’s just been awarded an exceptional performance award (£15k), together with a promotion warranting a 30% salary increase.

Conclusion: those who are willing to change can do so if encouraged. Those who aren’t don’t.

There is a difference between the workplace and at home.

I have been on 3 work disciplinaries for inappropriate (rude) behaviour.
I have never had my collar felt since I discovered about my autism.
I have sent a few spicey emails, but only when absolutely in the right, and at only 10% on the Scoville scale.

The secret is making time to not react.
"Leave it till tomorrow". And the anger and outrage will have dissipated.

At home if I'm being triggered (shouty conversations carried around the house and eventually right in my face; things being moved around so I can't find them; etc - I have a VERY long list) it is very hard to not react. When I suppress a reaction for even just a minute I start to feel unwell. I have been doing OK, but when the vulcano eventually erupts it can be messy. Unfortunately the soon-to-be former Mrs T has ADHD, and the nipper has extreme ADHD, so living together has become untenable.

This is a million miles from managing suboptimal behaviours in the workplace. And 'the sack' is more consequential. So I regard you final conclusion to be a little too much on the smug side.

 

[Goldstone1976]

There is a difference between the workplace and at home.

I have been on 3 work disciplinaries for inappropriate (rude) behaviour.
I have never had my collar felt since I discovered about my autism.
I have sent a few spicey emails, but only when absolutely in the right, and at only 10% on the Scoville scale.

The secret is making time to not react.
"Leave it till tomorrow". And the anger and outrage will have dissipated.

At home if I'm being triggered (shouty conversations carried around the house and eventually right in my face; things being moved around so I can't find them; etc - I have a VERY long list) it is very hard to not react. When I suppress a reaction for even just a minute I start to feel unwell. I have been doing OK, but when the vulcano eventually erupts it can be messy. Unfortunately the soon-to-be former Mrs T has ADHD, and the nipper has extreme ADHD, so living together has become untenable.

This is a million miles from managing suboptimal behaviours in the workplace. And 'the sack' is more consequential. So I regard you final conclusion to be a little too much on the smug side.

I should have been clearer - my conclusion was intended to relate only to the workplace - as that was the only location referred to in my previous points in that post.

Somewhere between 35% and 50% of my staff are somewhere sufficiently along the spectrum (most diagnosed) for it to affect their behaviour. I wasn’t talking about that type of behaviour. I was referring to sustained and wilful cynicism designed solely to obstruct.

Separately, I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned your marital status on here before. Whether you have (and I’ve missed it) or have not, you have my profound sympathies. It’s extremely painful for all concerned. Very best of luck.

 

[Harry Wilson's tackle]

I should have been clearer - my conclusion was intended to relate only to the workplace - as that was the only location referred to in my previous points in that post.

Somewhere between 35% and 50% of my staff are somewhere sufficiently along the spectrum (most diagnosed) for it to affect their behaviour. I wasn’t talking about that type of behaviour. I was referring to sustained and wilful cynicism designed solely to obstruct.

Separately, I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned your marital status on here before. Whether you have (and I’ve missed it) or have not, you have my profound sympathies. It’s extremely painful for all concerned. Very best of luck.

Thanks for the clarification, and your kind words.
We haven't decided to split up yet (although this may happen). Just to not live together.