SK1NT
Well-known member
They're here! - The 2003 Darwin Awards...
These are all true. They are finally out again. You
all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he
was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. The
nominees this year are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with
which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement
of his home died of suffocation, according to police.
He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225
pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It
appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's
uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long
and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted
into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of
explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
at low altitude when another plane approached. It
appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the
other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call.
She had no details before arriving, except that
someone had reported that his father was not
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over
to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed
burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on
arrival at the hospital-the police made a closer
inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had
made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the
couch over, they discovered what had caused his death.
Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis
between the cushions, down into the hole and between
two electrical sanders (with the Sandpaper removed,
for obvious reasons). According to the story, after
his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the
sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car
on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted
by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was
found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to
bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accosting Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no
doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of
the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object,
the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own
"balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer
and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his
dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in
place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately
for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles
are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him
forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to
leave the course. As the Winner survived, he is
eligible for '04, too!
Top 8 Morons of 2002.
1. Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up? AT&T fired
President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.
2. With A Little Help From Our Friends: Police in
Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."
3. What Was Plan B
An Illinois man, pretending to
have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to
drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.
4. The Getaway! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas,
Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash
drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. Did I Say That Police in Los Angeles had good
luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's
not what I said!"
6. Are We Communicating?? A man spoke frantically into
the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This
is her husband!"
7. Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed!! In Modesto,
California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket. (HELLO!!!!)
8. The Grand Finale (I Love This One!!!) Last summer,
down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new
to boating, were having problem. No matter how hard
they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft.
boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to
a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell
them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The engine
ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop
was the correct size and pitch. One of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!!!!!
These are all true. They are finally out again. You
all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual
honour given to the person who did the gene pool the
biggest service by killing themselves in the most
extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a
Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he
was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. The
nominees this year are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with
which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement
of his home died of suffocation, according to police.
He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225
pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra,
black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It
appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's
uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask
that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
attached in its place. The other end of the hose was
connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long
and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted
into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause
of his suffocation. Police found the task of
explaining the circumstances of his death to his
family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
at low altitude when another plane approached. It
appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the
other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call.
She had no details before arriving, except that
someone had reported that his father was not
breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man
face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over
to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed
burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance
arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on
arrival at the hospital-the police made a closer
inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had
made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the
couch over, they discovered what had caused his death.
Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis
between the cushions, down into the hole and between
two electrical sanders (with the Sandpaper removed,
for obvious reasons). According to the story, after
his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the
sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car
on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree,
seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
As a commonplace road accident, this would not have
qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the
fact that the driver's attention had been distracted
by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently
beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to
press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was
found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to
bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accosting Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no
doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of
the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object,
the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of
it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his
peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own
"balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer
and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his
dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in
place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.
Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain,
collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately
for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles
are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the
weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him
forever and remained in the ball washer, while the
other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was
pulled between the housing of the washer, and the
rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance
himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining threesome was asked to
leave the course. As the Winner survived, he is
eligible for '04, too!
Top 8 Morons of 2002.
1. Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up? AT&T fired
President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26
million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter
who's lacking intelligence.
2. With A Little Help From Our Friends: Police in
Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to
subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his
home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers
discovered that the man was standing beside them in
the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give
yourself up."
3. What Was Plan B
An Illinois man, pretending tohave a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to
drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from
his own bank accounts.
4. The Getaway! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas,
Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash
drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. Did I Say That
Police in Los Angeles had goodluck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control
himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each
man in the line-up to repeat the words: "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's
not what I said!"
6. Are We Communicating?? A man spoke frantically into
the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions
are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This
is her husband!"
7. Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed!! In Modesto,
California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a
weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a
gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in
his pocket. (HELLO!!!!)
8. The Grand Finale (I Love This One!!!) Last summer,
down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an
hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new
to boating, were having problem. No matter how hard
they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft.
boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every
manoeuvre, no matter how much power was applied. After
about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to
a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell
them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed
everything in perfect working condition. The engine
ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the prop
was the correct size and pitch. One of the marina guys
jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up
choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE....Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer!!!!!!
Oh safeway, you do make me laugh.
