Daft one and two liners

[Icy Gull]

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?"
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

 

[Dropkick Turnip]

"I was reading a book...'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down."

 

[Wozza]

Bloke goes into a shop in Wigan.

"Got any turps, mate?"

"What sort of turps? Video turps or audio turps?"

 

[Turgid]

Billboard: "Jesus Saves"

Alf Garnet: "Not on my bloody pension he couldn't"

 

[pasty]

Spotted on a pub condom machine in the gents

Sticker : This machine is alarmed

Graffiti : The other one is scared shitless

 

[Lord Bracknell]

Did you hear about the hypochondriac who went to a champagne party?

 

[rool]

No. ? ? ?



oh hold on, sham pain

 

[Tom Hark Preston Park]

Dyslexic who went to a toga party dressed as a goat?

 

[Beach Hut]

The road sign that said Golders Green 2 miles to which was added:

But to you Sir 3