Dad jokes

[Stat Brother]

Not so much a joke more bare faced lies.
But any question that beings:-

"Dad can you .."., gets the answer

"yep National/World/Olympic (delete as appropriate) champion 5 years running.
Had to give it up because of my knee".

 

[Postman Pat]

My dad's favorites were:

1. Whenever anyone was having a bet - I've got a tip, 3.20 at Haydock, Dusty Carpet, never been beaten.
2. "Dad I'm thirsty"...... "I'm Friday how do you do".
3. When at the dog racing he would at some point suggest someone bets on the hare.

 

[Nibble]

Not a joke as such but when I was young if me and my friends or brothers were in my room playing a game or reading comics or such, my Dad would pop his head round the door and say:

"Good luck, we're all counting on you"

It was only a few years later after watching Airplane that I realised why he was doing it.

 

[BBassic]

When asked how long will something be? followed by up by outstretched arms "about that long"!! Sooooo frustrating - every time without fail.

Ugh my mum used to irritate me with a variation on that.

"How long till dinner mum?"
"Well, I put it in a half hour ago"
"GAH! That doesn't help!"

 

[BBassic]

One time we were due to go for a picnic but it ended up being miserable weather. So Dad decided we'd have the picnic on the living room floor instead. He started throwing bits of bread around and I asked "Dad, what are you doing?"

"I'm feeding the ducks, QUACK QUACK!"

The lovable idiot.

 

[Bold Seagull]

My dad would always say in answer to the hair dresser asking "how would you like it sir?"

"longer and thicker please."

 

[AlbionPics&SouthCoastTwit]

There was an American olympic skier named Picabo Street. She was named after a small village in Idaho near where she was born, Picabo, Idaho. In the 1998 Olympics Street won a gold medal. A month after the 1998 Olympics Street was in a bad accident in Switzerland. She broke her femur and tore a ligament in her knee. It took two years for Picabo to recover from the accident in the rehabilitation unit at hospital in Idaho. Street was so thankful for the care that she was given at hospital that she made a large monetary contribution to the medical center in Idaho. As a thank you for the gift the medical center named one of their new departments after Street. It did become embarrassing for the medical center, though, when the nurses in the new department kept answering the phone "Picabo ICU."

 

[Chicken Run]

Charming. I've just been reminded of another when ever I would stay at the parents and I was going to the shops: "Hurry up or the one copy of The Guardian will sell out."

He mixes this with the occasional "They have doubled their Guardian sales."

I don't no your Farter but I like the sound of him already[emoji1]

 

[narly101]

There was an American olympic skier named Picabo Street. She was named after a small village in Idaho near where she was born, Picabo, Idaho. In the 1998 Olympics Street won a gold medal. A month after the 1998 Olympics Street was in a bad accident in Switzerland. She broke her femur and tore a ligament in her knee. It took two years for Picabo to recover from the accident in the rehabilitation unit at hospital in Idaho. Street was so thankful for the care that she was given at hospital that she made a large monetary contribution to the medical center in Idaho. As a thank you for the gift the medical center named one of their new departments after Street. It did become embarrassing for the medical center, though, when the nurses in the new department kept answering the phone "Picabo ICU."

I call foul on this. The Olympics were actually held in 1996, and 2000. Had the OP mentioned it was the "Winter Olympics" I may have believed his story. Also what's with the aggressive answering manner on the telephone of the "new" medical unit. I would have thought a simple "Good Day, Picabo Intensive Care Unit" would have sufficed to avoid any embarrassment.

 

[Kumquat]

that's just brilliant!

His other favourite was when ever I told him I was going out to play football "If you break your leg, don't come running to me!" Sigh.

 

[jay d]

This is me now .
Everytime i come back on the train from the amex with my 7 year old, i always say the same joke,

think he needs a straw to breath. I know this isn't particularly funny but can't help myself. Shows what being a dad does for you.

 

[AlbionPics&SouthCoastTwit]

There was an American olympic skier named Picabo Street. She was named after a small village in Idaho near where she was born, Picabo, Idaho. In the 1998 Olympics Street won a gold medal. A month after the 1998 Olympics Street was in a bad accident in Switzerland. She broke her femur and tore a ligament in her knee. It took two years for Picabo to recover from the accident in the rehabilitation unit at hospital in Idaho. Street was so thankful for the care that she was given at hospital that she made a large monetary contribution to the medical center in Idaho. As a thank you for the gift the medical center named one of their new departments after Street. It did become embarrassing for the medical center, though, when the nurses in the new department kept answering the phone "Picabo ICU."

I call foul on this. The Olympics were actually held in 1996, and 2000. Had the OP mentioned it was the "Winter Olympics" I may have believed his story. Also what's with the aggressive answering manner on the telephone of the "new" medical unit. I would have thought a simple "Good Day, Picabo Intensive Care Unit" would have sufficed to avoid any embarrassment.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/jokes/picabo.asp

Ms. Street retired from the sport of alpine skiing in 2002, taking with her a silver medal won at the 1994 Winter Olympics and a gold from the 1998. She is an analyst with CBS Sports and shoots commercials for Chapstick. Her given name was inspired by the Idaho town of Picabo, which in turn takes its name from a Native American word meaning "shining waters."

The only info not true is that Street did not give money to the medical center and they did not name anything after her. The nurses, who regularly answer the phone "ICU," did start answering the phone "Picabo ICU" as a joke while the skier was recovering from her injury in their medical center.

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

Dad jokes is a great genre isn't it?

 

[Diablo]

My Dad loved. He`s got a Rolls Canardly...Rolls down hill and canardly get up other side.....Also my friends call their little dog carpenter....why? because he keeps doing odd jobs about the house.

 

[Danny-Boy]

"I wish you'd never been born. In fact, the day you arrived was the day any last vestige of hope and ambition I had for myself was sucked out of me, condemning me to an existence of futile drudgery and mind-numbing tedium."

Are you Ed Miliband?

 

[Danny-Boy]

I don't no your Farter but I like the sound of him already[emoji1]

Funny I don't ever remember my father blowing off, but every time I said I fancied someone in my teens he said "she's only two arms, two legs and a mouth". At least I THINK that's what he said.

 

[Miximate]

Me "Dad, did you just fart?"

Dad "No, it was a wasp!"

Still lives on to this day between my son and me!!

 

[Ginny]

My Dad used to say when I asked him to take me to the swimming pool "OK, but if you drown I'll never take you again". Tw*t.

Nice one.....

 

[Herr Tubthumper]

The Frau told me she came home in a body warmer when she was a teen and her dad said "when you buying the rest of it?"

 

[Psychobilly freakout]

Here are few my Ol' mans that I have heard a million times...

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

Just watched a documentary about beavers... It was the best damn program I've ever seen.

When anyone talks about religion he wheels this gem out "I believe in atheism as it is a non-prophet organisation"

Everytime we asked "can we watch the TV dad ?" he would always reply "Yes, but don't turn it on"