Cooperisms

[jevs]

Man goes to the doc with a lettuce leaf sticking out of his ear

"is it serious" he asked

"think it's just the tip of the iceberg" the doc said
__________________________________________________

And the funniest one ever.....

Dublin TV is reporting it's worst aircrash in living memory after a 2 seater Cesna crashed into a Dublin cemetry.

1,236 bodies have so far been recovered but numbers are expected to rise as digging goes on through the night !!!

 

[chucky1973]

so I joined a golf club the other day..but it feel apart

 

[Surrey_Albion]

I got stung by a bee the other day, £10 for a jar of honey!

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, 'Are you having me on?'
I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house
and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I
need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbor worships exhaust pipes,
he's a catholic converter

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
school bags, he's bisatchel

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

 

[DT Withdean]

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me, 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

 

[Twinkle Toes]

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.

 

[DT Withdean]

I may have misunderstood the joke but, bearing in mind he died in 1984, I'm not sure he would have cracked a joke about the web. If he did, doubt many people would have got it.

Same with the Catholic Converto joke. Were they commonly heard of by 1984?

 

[Spider]

This is a joke by, I think, Milton Jones which made me chuckle:

"Pritt wasn't the best lip salve I'd ever used, but I couldn't complain!"

 

[Two Professors]

I had a Shepherds Pie today-he was bloody angry!

 

[Spider]

I bought a greyhound the other day. My friend asked me "what are you going to do with that?"
"I'm going to race it," I replied.
He said, "by the look of it, I think you'll beat it!"

I doubt there's many who haven't heard that joke before but it's a good'un!

 

[Durlston]

I went to Scarborough for my holidays and it was getting late at night. I found a Bed & Breakfast but the door was locked so I shouted up to the landlady "Can I stay here?" "Yes you stay there!" and slammed the window shut.

 

[Seagull on the wing]

Same with the Catholic Converto joke. Were they commonly heard of by 1984?

Maybe not but the thread was about Cooperisms not necessary said by TC,but there are some good ones there.

 

[Seagull on the wing]

I went to a cashpoint and an old lady was trying to reach up to put her card in the slot...she said "Could you help me check my balance", so I pushed her and told her it was not very good!

 

[Muhammad - I’m hard - Bruce Lee]

i decided to take the shell off my racing snail to see if it would make him go quicker, if anything....it made him more sluggish

 

[seagullsdaz]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'


Told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'


I visited the offices of the RSPCA today, it's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

 

[Cian]

Same with the Catholic Converto joke. Were they commonly heard of by 1984?

There were cars designed to use unleaded being sold by then and most of those would have had cats... but as said the point is jokes in his style anyway.

 

[rocker959]

The Genius himself - spoon jar, jar spoon

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[perseus]

If he was Dutch his name would be Kuiper