Awful Christmas Jokes

[Scarface]

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
He had low elf-esteem


What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic


What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite



Expect more like these on Saturday.

 

[Northstander]

Paul Mccartney bought Heather Mills a new Artificial leg foir xmas.....


Its just a stockin filler!!


*Gets coat and leaves rather quickly*

 

[Trufflehound]

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic

Pogonophobic people have an irrational fear of men with beards.

FACT! (Snow joke...)

 

[Waterhall Wizard]

Dustman delivers empty bin back to a house. The lady comes to the door and invites him to follow her so that he can receive his Christmas Box. He follows her all the way to her bedroom where she gets undressed and lets it be known she wants him to shag her.

After he has had his way he gets dressed and returns to his crew telling them all about it. After hearing what went on one of his mates goes to the house and receives the same treatment. As he leaves the woman tells him to send the driver.

The dustman arrives at the house, introduces himself as the driver and tells the woman that he called for his Christmas Box. He is prepared to enter the house but the woman keeps him on the doorstep. She rummages through her handbag, takes out a ten pound note and places it in his hand. At the same time as thanking her for the money, he blurts out that he couldn't understand why he wasn't granted the same favour as his mates.

She says,
"I'm only doing what my husband told me. Last night I told him that the dustmen were calling and I asked whether I should give them a Christmas Box. He told me to give the driver a tenner and f*** the rest."

 

[Chopper West]

My worse ever Christmas was when I was nine, and on Christmas Eve found out I was dyslexic and on Christmas Day found out that Satan does not exist.

 

[WATF0RD ZERO]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did
not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer,
he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had
jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the
boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered
the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he
discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was
nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over
the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the
door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry
Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree
for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.

 

[The Great Cornholio]

Paul Mccartney bought Heather Mills a new Artificial leg foir xmas.....


Its just a stockin filler!!


*Gets coat and leaves rather quickly*

I thought he'd bought her a personalised ladyshave. Or a plane as it is known to the rest of us.

 

[Northstander]

 

[The Great Cornholio]

My worse ever Christmas was when I was nine, and on Christmas Eve found out I was dyslexic and on Christmas Day found out that Satan does not exist.

Almost as bad as the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to santa.

He was a member of the DNA - Natinal Dyslexic Association.

Why is Dyslexia so difficult to spell? Taking the piss a bit.

etc. etc.

 

[Eddie the Seagull]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got for Christmas?








He felt his presence.

 

[Waterhall Wizard]

I thought he'd bought her a personalised ladyshave. Or a plane as it is known to the rest of us.

No. You've got it wrong.

He bought her a plane as a Christmas present. He bought her a tube of Imac for the other leg.