Ringmer Seagull
Member
- Oct 2, 2008
- 503
Come on , lets have them....
I`ll start off:
What do you call an Aussie who knows how to handle a bat?.
A vet
I`ll start off:
What do you call an Aussie who knows how to handle a bat?.
A vet
Got something to say or just want fewer pesky ads? Join us... 😊
Ashes jokes
- Thread starter Ringmer Seagull
- Start date
A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help you?"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
...
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "I think he was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "did you work that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long"
"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".
"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.
...
"In the park just down the road" she replied.
"Can you describe what happened?"
"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way with me".
"Could you give me a description of him?"
"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a
white shirt and he had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on each leg".
"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the Sergeant.
"Yes", said the lady, "I think he was an Aussie Cricketer".
"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "did you work that out from his accent?"
"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long"
middletoenail
Well-known member
What do you call a Aussie with Champagne?
A Waiter
A Waiter
Stumpy Tim
Well-known member
ICC are investigating strange betting patterns on the Sydney test. Someone allegedly put $20 on Australia
Albion top of the league and Englans SPANKING the Aussies, life must be a bitch for you in Sydney
sydney
tinky ****in winky
teacher to class..."today class i'd like us to find out what eachothers' dads do for a living, you go first samantha"
"my dad's a fireman miss"
teacher " that's wonderful samantha,anybody else like to tell us about their daddy.?"
little abigail pipes up
"my dad's a fisherman miss,he goes out on a boat for two weeks at a time and he catches loadsof fish and prawns"
ther is then a bit of a lull in the class and miss spots little johnny and says"
" come on johnny , you've usually got a lot to say for yourself, what does your dad do for a living..?"
johnny says " miss, my dad is an exotic dancer in a gay club in sydney,he dances four nights a week on stage with a selection of farm animals and on thursdays and fridays he get's done up the arse by a donkey"
miss is mortified" johnny" she says" if your daddy is really doing this sort of thing for a living i'm afraid i'm going to have to report him to the police"
johnny says " ahh for f*** sake miss,he actually plays cricket for australia but it's a bit embarrassing at the moment...!!!"
"my dad's a fireman miss"
teacher " that's wonderful samantha,anybody else like to tell us about their daddy.?"
little abigail pipes up
"my dad's a fisherman miss,he goes out on a boat for two weeks at a time and he catches loadsof fish and prawns"
ther is then a bit of a lull in the class and miss spots little johnny and says"
" come on johnny , you've usually got a lot to say for yourself, what does your dad do for a living..?"
johnny says " miss, my dad is an exotic dancer in a gay club in sydney,he dances four nights a week on stage with a selection of farm animals and on thursdays and fridays he get's done up the arse by a donkey"
miss is mortified" johnny" she says" if your daddy is really doing this sort of thing for a living i'm afraid i'm going to have to report him to the police"
johnny says " ahh for f*** sake miss,he actually plays cricket for australia but it's a bit embarrassing at the moment...!!!"
- Sep 3, 2010
- 6,536
A phone call comes into the Australian dressing room
‘Is it possible to speak to Mr Ponting please?
‘I’m sorry’ says a voice at the other end, ‘he has, gone out to bat’
‘No problem, I’ll hold the line’
‘Is it possible to speak to Mr Ponting please?
‘I’m sorry’ says a voice at the other end, ‘he has, gone out to bat’
‘No problem, I’ll hold the line’
Steve Foster
Well-known member
Find your own jokes! lol
Mitchell Johnson two minutes after going out to bat
- Jul 7, 2003
- 48,733
- Jul 7, 2003
- 48,733
...and Shane Watson...
<wipes sweat from brow>
<wipes sweat from brow>
- Jul 7, 2003
- 48,733
What's the difference between Mitchell Johnson and a Lamborghini?
One's lightning fast and shockingly expensive, the other's an Italian sports car.
One's lightning fast and shockingly expensive, the other's an Italian sports car.
pasty
A different kind of pasty
Snow White returned to the cottage to find it had burned down. Distraught, she searches for the dwarfs in the forest and hears a lone voice chanting: "The aussies are going to win the ashes, the aussies are going to win the ashes" On hearing this, Snow White gave a little sigh of relief as she knew that at least Dopey was safe!
Twinkle Toes
Growing old disgracefully
What's the difference between Ricky Ponting & a Phoenix?
At the end of The Ashes, the Phoenix still has a future.
I thank yow.
At the end of The Ashes, the Phoenix still has a future.
I thank yow.
Ringmer Seagull
Member
- Oct 2, 2008
- 503
- Thread starter
- #16
Didn`t actually get this from you but I have no doubt you`ve seen it !. Come on don`t be shy, lets have your contribution.
sydney
tinky ****in winky
edna, i reckon you've nailed it there love.....they are so busy advertising PANTS they have actually become the product , not that funny i know but probably true.
sydney
tinky ****in winky
sorry but he is a f***ing dead ringer for patrick swayze......with bigger tits....and Shane Watson...
<wipes sweat from brow>
Mendoza
NSC's Most Stalked
At least Cinderella knew when to leave a ball...
Storer68
New member
from the Sydney Morning Herald --- very satifying
An embarrassment of historic proportions Jamie Pandaram
January 7, 2011
Got 'em ... Chris Tremlett celebrates Mitchell Johnson's golden duck as those in the SCG members' pavilion look on in horror yesterday. Photo: Getty Images
THE worst Australian team ever fielded for an Ashes series will today watch England celebrate a 3-1 victory at the SCG in the knowledge they are the first side wearing baggy greens to have lost three Tests by more than an innings in a single series.
Few could have imagined that such a gulf in class between the sides would be exposed at the conclusion of the 2010-11 Ashes, or that Australian cricket would be in its deepest crisis since the Packer revolution.
Never have Australia lost three Tests in a series by an innings, a result that will be confirmed today when England claim the final three wickets in the fifth Test. Not since Bangladesh in 2007, against Sri Lanka, has any Test-playing nation suffered such a thumping in one series.
Advertisement: Story continues below Click for more photos Fifth Test, day four
Mitchell Johnson gets a golden duck, courtesy of Chris Tremlett. Photo: Getty Images
And only once before has a home side lost three Tests by an innings - the first being South Africa to Australia over five Tests in 1935-36.
In a brutally frank assessment of the slide - Australia's last Ashes series at home was won 5-0 four years ago - opener Shane Watson conceded the careers of many players were on notice.
''It's not great to actually be a part of something that has been as disappointing as it has, over the last little while in Test cricket to be honest,'' Watson said last night.
''It would be nice to be in the golden era as a player, unfortunately we're just not playing well enough to be a part of that at the moment.
''Going into this Ashes series, I thought there were going to be defining moments in our careers. There has been, maybe on the wrong side unfortunately. You'd have to ask the selectors whether they think it's the right team. In the end, we are doing our absolute best, it just hasn't been good enough.
''Losing so far by two innings is not good at all. It means we've been convincingly outplayed in the two Test matches so far, and it's not looking great for tomorrow.''
Asked what state Australian cricket is in, Watson replied: ''Nowhere near the heights it was four years ago. With our performances we've showed over the last little while, we've got to turn it around.
''There's no doubt it does come down to the players alone to be able to turn that around. No doubt there will be an inquest into what's happened and we do have to turn it around. We don't want to be losing the support we've had for such a long time with the Australian fans, we've got to play so much better to be able to keep the faith.''
With England surging ahead in rankings points, Watson believes the tourists are on par with world No.1 India.
''They've been very good,'' he said. ''There's no doubt that India, on their conditions, have got an unbelievably well-balanced team but the way the English have played here in all facets has been very impressive. With the history of the Ashes, and how it's panned out playing here in our home conditions, and us knowing our conditions so well, it has surprised me.
''But the way they've played, how complete a team they are, and the way they've continually stood up - all of their players throughout this series - has been very impressive.
''It is unfortunate because the Australian team haven't done that. There's no doubt we've let ourselves down in the way we've played, but there's no doubt as well that the English have played extremely well.
''Unfortunately for us we haven't played up to our standard that we know we can, at all. The way the results have panned out are exactly what they should have been in the end unfortunately.''
Australia's top-order batsmen - set 364 simply to make England bat again - were yet again dismissed to an array of poor shots and brilliant bowling. It has been a repetitive tale this summer, and exposes Australia in every department.
''A lot of that comes down to concentration and execution, concentrating on your shots, hopefully eliminate the chances of getting out, also concentrating for long periods of time as well,'' Watson said.
''In all, it's not just the batting side of things. It's finding ways to get wickets on flatter wickets, that's something we haven't been able to do either. It's both aspects of our game which is letting us down, which is a problem.''
Some time today, Andrew Strauss will collect the replica Ashes trophy, England's players will jump around, streamers will fly and the Barmy Army will be in full voice.
And all this at a venue where Australia has won 14 of its previous 16 Tests. ''It will hurt in a big way, but the English have totally outplayed us,'' Watson said.
An embarrassment of historic proportions Jamie Pandaram
January 7, 2011
Got 'em ... Chris Tremlett celebrates Mitchell Johnson's golden duck as those in the SCG members' pavilion look on in horror yesterday. Photo: Getty Images
THE worst Australian team ever fielded for an Ashes series will today watch England celebrate a 3-1 victory at the SCG in the knowledge they are the first side wearing baggy greens to have lost three Tests by more than an innings in a single series.
Few could have imagined that such a gulf in class between the sides would be exposed at the conclusion of the 2010-11 Ashes, or that Australian cricket would be in its deepest crisis since the Packer revolution.
Never have Australia lost three Tests in a series by an innings, a result that will be confirmed today when England claim the final three wickets in the fifth Test. Not since Bangladesh in 2007, against Sri Lanka, has any Test-playing nation suffered such a thumping in one series.
Advertisement: Story continues below Click for more photos Fifth Test, day four
Mitchell Johnson gets a golden duck, courtesy of Chris Tremlett. Photo: Getty Images
And only once before has a home side lost three Tests by an innings - the first being South Africa to Australia over five Tests in 1935-36.
In a brutally frank assessment of the slide - Australia's last Ashes series at home was won 5-0 four years ago - opener Shane Watson conceded the careers of many players were on notice.
''It's not great to actually be a part of something that has been as disappointing as it has, over the last little while in Test cricket to be honest,'' Watson said last night.
''It would be nice to be in the golden era as a player, unfortunately we're just not playing well enough to be a part of that at the moment.
''Going into this Ashes series, I thought there were going to be defining moments in our careers. There has been, maybe on the wrong side unfortunately. You'd have to ask the selectors whether they think it's the right team. In the end, we are doing our absolute best, it just hasn't been good enough.
''Losing so far by two innings is not good at all. It means we've been convincingly outplayed in the two Test matches so far, and it's not looking great for tomorrow.''
Asked what state Australian cricket is in, Watson replied: ''Nowhere near the heights it was four years ago. With our performances we've showed over the last little while, we've got to turn it around.
''There's no doubt it does come down to the players alone to be able to turn that around. No doubt there will be an inquest into what's happened and we do have to turn it around. We don't want to be losing the support we've had for such a long time with the Australian fans, we've got to play so much better to be able to keep the faith.''
With England surging ahead in rankings points, Watson believes the tourists are on par with world No.1 India.
''They've been very good,'' he said. ''There's no doubt that India, on their conditions, have got an unbelievably well-balanced team but the way the English have played here in all facets has been very impressive. With the history of the Ashes, and how it's panned out playing here in our home conditions, and us knowing our conditions so well, it has surprised me.
''But the way they've played, how complete a team they are, and the way they've continually stood up - all of their players throughout this series - has been very impressive.
''It is unfortunate because the Australian team haven't done that. There's no doubt we've let ourselves down in the way we've played, but there's no doubt as well that the English have played extremely well.
''Unfortunately for us we haven't played up to our standard that we know we can, at all. The way the results have panned out are exactly what they should have been in the end unfortunately.''
Australia's top-order batsmen - set 364 simply to make England bat again - were yet again dismissed to an array of poor shots and brilliant bowling. It has been a repetitive tale this summer, and exposes Australia in every department.
''A lot of that comes down to concentration and execution, concentrating on your shots, hopefully eliminate the chances of getting out, also concentrating for long periods of time as well,'' Watson said.
''In all, it's not just the batting side of things. It's finding ways to get wickets on flatter wickets, that's something we haven't been able to do either. It's both aspects of our game which is letting us down, which is a problem.''
Some time today, Andrew Strauss will collect the replica Ashes trophy, England's players will jump around, streamers will fly and the Barmy Army will be in full voice.
And all this at a venue where Australia has won 14 of its previous 16 Tests. ''It will hurt in a big way, but the English have totally outplayed us,'' Watson said.