The future of Brighton and Hove Albion's proposed new stadium at Falmer is now in the hands of John Prescott. According to Mrs Prescott, this makes a pleasant change from a double lard and halibut kebab that he normally eats for breakfast, or the Prescott Pork Sword that he likes to rub vigourously whilst dressed as Blakey from 'On the Buses' every time Christina Hamilton appears on TV.
The Deputy Prime Minister will make a final decision after the long-running public inquiry, which began in February, closed on Thursday October 23. The club have presented Mr Prescott with a pair of new reading glasses which incorporate 'Wenger-O-Vision', a special coating that blanks out any controversial aspects of the scheme, such as where the f*** the money is coming from to build the stadium
The planning inspector's report is expected to arrive at Mr Prescott's office in the first week of January. His decision is expected later in the year 2027.
The club, which has spent £1.3 million presenting its case at the inquiry, said the proposed stadium, at Village Way North, Falmer, represented the sporting hopes and aspirations of Brighton and Hove.
Martin Perry, the club's chief executive, exclusively revealed that the stadium is to be sponsored by McVities biscuits and that two of the stands have already been built using recycled chocolate Hobnobs that have been subject to a new weatherproofing chemical. There had been a few teething problems when the players were shown around the half completed stadium when Guy Butters ran amok and ate three executive boxes. He had to be pulled off by Charlie Oatway to prevent further damage.
The hearing's final two weeks examined road widening proposals and other highways work, which would be needed to allow Sarah Watts posterior to sit down in one of the seats, before the University of Brighton agreed to support the project.
The university, which owns about one third of the stadium site, will only continue to back the scheme if its concerns are met. The University, which has received record numbers of student applications to its new 'Beaver Studies' degree course, only to disappoint hundreds of spotty eighteen year old youths when it turned out that the beaver in question turned out to be the Canadian Blacktail. Fortunately the young men were taken out for a consolatory picnic by the Uni, where local yo-yo knickered slapper Jordan offered to be the the picnic spread.
All other matters relating to the stadium were completed when the inquiry's main session ended in June.
In his closing address, Jonathan Clay, representing the club, said the project was "far superior" with the university's support. "It makes a huge difference " said the Q.C. on £200 an hour " to have the support of an institution that is often mentioned in the same breath as Yale, Oxford, Cambridge and Harvard". When the inquiry chairman, Lord Justice Once, queried the above statement, Clay pointed out that a Brighton University student, Johnny Jizzbuckets, had won the world student wanking competition, beating off all comers from academic institutions around the globe
He said the roadworks were minimal and would have occurred automatically if Village Way was not a private road.
He said: "The benefits in terms of safety, traffic regulation and segregation make for a smoother, better and safer access to the stadium. The benefits to the environment had been approved by the same inspectors who chose Liverpool as the European City of Culture for 2005.
"All of this is achieved by minor works and minor damage to the environment."
Robert White, representing Lewes District Council, one of the chief objectors, said the roadworks would increase the stadium's environmental impact.
He said: "There is simply no planning justification for inflicting extra harm on the area of outstanding natural beauty in order to resolve the commercial dispute between the University of Brighton and the football club. Local residents will have no place to dump old tyres, worn out sofas and Barnaby Fardiddly-Farquaar, the local village idiot and alleged favourite for leadership of the Tory Party"
Tom Carr, of Falmer Parish Council, said the stadium and roadworks would harm the proposed South Downs national park and the rural character of the village.
It is now up to John Prescott to have the final say, once his tongue is surgically removed from Tony Balirs toilet where he performs a role that Andrex was designed for.
The Deputy Prime Minister will make a final decision after the long-running public inquiry, which began in February, closed on Thursday October 23. The club have presented Mr Prescott with a pair of new reading glasses which incorporate 'Wenger-O-Vision', a special coating that blanks out any controversial aspects of the scheme, such as where the f*** the money is coming from to build the stadium
The planning inspector's report is expected to arrive at Mr Prescott's office in the first week of January. His decision is expected later in the year 2027.
The club, which has spent £1.3 million presenting its case at the inquiry, said the proposed stadium, at Village Way North, Falmer, represented the sporting hopes and aspirations of Brighton and Hove.
Martin Perry, the club's chief executive, exclusively revealed that the stadium is to be sponsored by McVities biscuits and that two of the stands have already been built using recycled chocolate Hobnobs that have been subject to a new weatherproofing chemical. There had been a few teething problems when the players were shown around the half completed stadium when Guy Butters ran amok and ate three executive boxes. He had to be pulled off by Charlie Oatway to prevent further damage.
The hearing's final two weeks examined road widening proposals and other highways work, which would be needed to allow Sarah Watts posterior to sit down in one of the seats, before the University of Brighton agreed to support the project.
The university, which owns about one third of the stadium site, will only continue to back the scheme if its concerns are met. The University, which has received record numbers of student applications to its new 'Beaver Studies' degree course, only to disappoint hundreds of spotty eighteen year old youths when it turned out that the beaver in question turned out to be the Canadian Blacktail. Fortunately the young men were taken out for a consolatory picnic by the Uni, where local yo-yo knickered slapper Jordan offered to be the the picnic spread.
All other matters relating to the stadium were completed when the inquiry's main session ended in June.
In his closing address, Jonathan Clay, representing the club, said the project was "far superior" with the university's support. "It makes a huge difference " said the Q.C. on £200 an hour " to have the support of an institution that is often mentioned in the same breath as Yale, Oxford, Cambridge and Harvard". When the inquiry chairman, Lord Justice Once, queried the above statement, Clay pointed out that a Brighton University student, Johnny Jizzbuckets, had won the world student wanking competition, beating off all comers from academic institutions around the globe
He said the roadworks were minimal and would have occurred automatically if Village Way was not a private road.
He said: "The benefits in terms of safety, traffic regulation and segregation make for a smoother, better and safer access to the stadium. The benefits to the environment had been approved by the same inspectors who chose Liverpool as the European City of Culture for 2005.
"All of this is achieved by minor works and minor damage to the environment."
Robert White, representing Lewes District Council, one of the chief objectors, said the roadworks would increase the stadium's environmental impact.
He said: "There is simply no planning justification for inflicting extra harm on the area of outstanding natural beauty in order to resolve the commercial dispute between the University of Brighton and the football club. Local residents will have no place to dump old tyres, worn out sofas and Barnaby Fardiddly-Farquaar, the local village idiot and alleged favourite for leadership of the Tory Party"
Tom Carr, of Falmer Parish Council, said the stadium and roadworks would harm the proposed South Downs national park and the rural character of the village.
It is now up to John Prescott to have the final say, once his tongue is surgically removed from Tony Balirs toilet where he performs a role that Andrex was designed for.
