Advice please - Grandma has died, how do I tell the children (aged 6 and 4)?

[The Rattler]

Friends, Albion, Countrymen

As the title says, Grandma sadly passed away in her sleep. The little Rattlers don't know yet and its not something I'm especially looking forward to telling them. Any top tips?

In the absence of any serious advice, please follow normal NSC protocol and either 1) post any 'amusing dead Granny stories'; or 2) pictures of Zaha falling over thin air.

Cheers!!!

 

[ROSM]

Friends, Albion, Countrymen

As the title says, Grandma sadly passed away in her sleep. The little Rattlers don't know yet and its not something I'm especially looking forward to telling them. Any top tips?

In the absence of any serious advice, please follow normal NSC protocol and either 1) post any 'amusing dead Granny stories'; or 2) picturesZaha falling over thin air

Cheers!!!

Had this situation last year - kids were 4 and 2. Found honesty the best policy ; saying that she had died, they weren't going to see her, that she was in pain and niot anymore.

The eldest realised quite early on and got upset. The youngest couldn't quite grasp it. Found a great book called dragonflies and water bugs which talks in an analogy about this, gives a semi faith view if you do, or want your kids to, have some concept of heaven. We read that a few days later and it helped them both. My youngest got confused and keeps asking is she had gone to newhaven! These light hearted comments do help.

 

[Bevendean Hillbilly]

Follow same policy as when dog passes over.

"Nanny has gone to live on a farm in Wales"

Alternatively. Just tell your nippers the truth mate. It's hard to begin with but a valuable life lesson for later on.

 

[Stat Brother]

Had this situation last year - kids were 4 and 2. Found honesty the best policy ; saying that she had died, they weren't going to see her, that she was in pain and niot anymore.

It's odd how we get so wrapped up in trying to say the right thing we miss the obvious or worse still say nothing at all.

You've got 17 words there, although it's not job done, I'm sure it does mean that the rest of the conversation will be lead by the kids.
If not then in a few days 'gosh I miss Granny', followed by the funeral.

 

[beorhthelm]

TV has taught me you are supposed to be very awkward about the matter, sit them down and tell them that Granny has gone to join Rover the dog, at which point they'll humorously look for to Granny around the flower bed at the bottom of teh garden, asking if she like a cup of tea.

 

[nomoremithras4me]

Friends, Albion, Countrymen

As the title says, Grandma sadly passed away in her sleep. The little Rattlers don't know yet and its not something I'm especially looking forward to telling them. Any top tips?

In the absence of any serious advice, please follow normal NSC protocol and either 1) post any 'amusing dead Granny stories'; or 2) pictures of Zaha falling over thin air.

Cheers!!!

My kids were about your kids age when they lost their first Nan Someone recommended a great book called 'Badgers Parting Gift' by Susan Varley. If you can get hold of a copy it's really very comforting for them at this difficult time, if you can't, let me know and I will copy & email to you tonight Sorry for your loss

 

[BadFish]

TV has taught me you are supposed to be very awkward about the matter, sit them down and tell them that Granny has gone to join Rover the dog, at which point they'll humorously look for to Granny around the flower bed at the bottom of teh garden, asking if she like a cup of tea.

Or tell them she has gone to join Splishy the fish, only to find your toilet blocked by here favourtie biscuits, magazines etc etc.......hilarious.

 

[The Original]

My kids were about your kids age when they lost their first Nan Someone recommended a great book called 'Badgers Parting Gift' by Susan Varley. If you can get hold of a copy it's really very comforting for them at this difficult time, if you can't, let me know and I will copy & email to you tonight Sorry for your loss

We were in a similar situation a couple of years ago and were recommended this book. We bought it, explained things to the kids first at a level they would understand/comprehend then read the book together. It really helped, and they still read it now if they are having a sad moment about their great grand parents.

 

[n1 gull]

It happened to us just a couple of months a go. My boys are a little older 9 and 7, but their granny died very unexpectedly after
an accident. She was pretty young (early 60's). We told them in the morning before school. I thought they would need the day or at
least the morning off, but they were ok. They had a lot of questions, which we answered as best we could and then just got on with the
regular routine. Night times when tired, it got a bit tougher, but they have pictures of her in their rooms and talk about her all the time.

I think honesty and frankness are the best policy, but that might just be our family, I presume everyone is different

 

[Goldstone Rapper]

We were in a similar situation a couple of years ago and were recommended this book. We bought it, explained things to the kids first at a level they would understand/comprehend then read the book together. It really helped, and they still read it now if they are having a sad moment about their great grand parents.

I would also recommend 'Sad Book' by Michael Rosen. Not the greatest title, but a beautiful and deep book exploring death and loss in a way accessible for children 4 and over.

 

[emphyrian]

My dad died three years ago and my kids were only 3 and 1. Not being a religious family we chose to tell them he had gone and become a star. We chose one that we knew would be there every night (last star in the handle of the plough)

Son is now 6 and asks about his grandad in the star most weeks. We also put a photo of my Dad in their rooms so that they had a face to go with the star.

We also planted a tree at his favorite place in our local scout campsite, so everytime we go camping with my scouts they take a cup of black coffee and pour it on the tree. They also leave things there for him (pictures, bday cards etc)

 

[FamilyGuy]

My dad died very suddenly when my girls were about the same age as your kids - I sat them down and simply told them that Grandad had died, and that Nanna was very sad and that we needed to look after her. I also said that it was OK to be sad and that I was sad, mum was sad - and that Grandad would look after us.

It was tough, we cried together (I'm crying now) and we hugged through it.

Not wishing to sound trite but death is simply part of life and it just happens sometimes, and it will happen again so what you do this time will help them (and you) next time. Look after your kids, be straight and be honest, hug them when they (you) need it - and they should be OK.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[Bold Seagull]

Beautiful bit of writing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3XBZUtxLhXQ&feature=related

 

[centurion40]

First of all sorry for your loss, especially so close to christmas, secondly I found this for you, I've had a look through it and it'll probablt be of some use, hope this helps

http://www.barnardos.org.uk/child_bereavement_booklet_explaining_death.pdf

Stay strong

 

[Papa Lazarou]

We had to do this on Sunday to tell our kids (6 & 10) that their Grandfather had passed away.

They knew he had been very unwell, so there was a place to start the conversation "you know Granpa has been very ill..." and we told them.

They asked a couple of questions, and then we took them out somewhere nice later that day (all you can eat Chinese) and they started to ask a few more questions...

They are sad about it of course, and I'm sure it's not really sunk in yet, but it will.

 

[Sergei's Celebration]

Firstly i am very sorry for your loss.

Some great advice here already, be honest, support each other and answer any questions they may have even tho it may upset you. There are some don'ts: dont use phrases like 'gone away', 'long journey', or 'better place' as children have been known to either expect them back and don't deal with the loss or in some cases unfortunately want to join their loved one if its a better place.

Sometimes the biggest decision is to take them to the funeral or not. Some believe that they should go whatever age as its an important part of both life and closure. Some believe its a definitive no as it could be too upsetting. Others have taken the children to the wake or just the grave side after the service for example. There is no right or wrong but from my experience (nothing more others have a different view, i worked for a charity that dealt with bereaved Armed Forces children) children who go to the funeral deal with the death better than those that don't and have a greater understanding as they grow.

As long as you support the kids and they have the love from the family (and i am sure they have that in spades) there is no right or wrong answer.

All the best, my condolences and please feel free to PM if you want.

Sergei.

 

[Hillian1]

The most important thing to do is not leave them with any thought that Gran may come back again, they HAVE to know and at least try and understand the finality of it in order for them to start the grieving process.

Sorry to hear of your loss.

 

[Fignon's Ponytail]

My brother died last week and we had to tell our 2 boys (9 & 6) that their favourite Uncle was no longer with us. Really have found that honesty is the best way to go. My brother had been ill for a long time so while not going into great depth about it, we always kept the kids up to date with news. Theyve found it hard the last week but, as kids always do, they seem to be getting through it ok....just keep talking to them and be open to questions.

 

[Normal Rob]

sorry to hear of your loss. earlier this year a dear relation of my wifes, and aunty style character to my 3 young girls, was murdered (she was 15). Whilst obviously avoiding the full horror of the situation, the only way forward was to tell them that she had died and that they would not be seeing her any more. My eldest was superb, and helped look after both her younger sisters as i had to leave them with with our neighbours and go and tell my wife, who was in town.

Honesty, with discretion, is best. It really is.

 

[drew]

Happened to us two years ago when my mum died. My daughter was only 6 at the time and she was the only grandparent she ever knew (the other three having passed away years ago). She died following a long illness so my daughter always knew something was wrong and in the last few days, she saw her grandmother in hospital for the last time, not looking well. She died in the early hours of the morning and the hardest thing was talking to my daughter a couple of hours later. The tears certainly flowed but honesty was certainly the best way. We gave my daughter the option of coming to the crematorium but our back up plan was that the wake was over the road in a large pub. We explained as best we could what would happen and at the last moment she decided not to go in so she went over the road to the pub with an elder cousin to wait for the service to finish. She still has moments about it as anyone would but it is, sadly, a fact of life that we all die and that is why honesty is still the best way.