A Thread full of Joke du Jours

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attila

1997 Club
Jul 17, 2003
2,252
South Central Southwick
Schadenfreude: noun. Malicious pleasure in the misfortunes of others.
19c: German. From Schade - hurt and Freude - joy (Chambers 21st Century Dictionary)

Remember Paul Hardcastle’s crap disco hit ‘N-n-n-n-nineteen..?’

N-N-N-N-NINE NIL (The Selhurst Park Remix!)


Tuesday September 8th 1989 began like any other day in the footballing calendar, with newly-discovered Team of the 80s, Crystal Palace, travelling to Anfield to test their Colditz-like defensive qualities and mesmerising attacking skills against the sacrificial lemmings of Liverpool. Now football is a funny game, as the utterly retarded cliche goes, and on this particular evening it proved to be a very funny game indeed, in fact a positively hilarious, side-splittingly humourous one, even more mirth-inducing than David Beckham trying to define existentialism or Michael Portillo attempting coitus with a paper-shredding machine. For while Palace’s much-feared rivals Brighton and Hove Albion were thrashing Wolverhampton Wanderers 4-2, at Anfield the final score was Liverpool 9, Crystal Palace 0. Liverpool 9, Crystal Palace 0. N-n-n-n-nine nil, nine nil. N-n-n-n-nine nil, nine nil. And following those fateful n-n-n-n-ninety minutes on that hilarious Tuesday night the hapless halibuts from Selhurst Park were subjected to fierce and merciless ridicule from the rest of the football world and many of them are still living out their experiences to this day. Even now the South London branch of the Samaritans receive mysterious phone calls where the only audible sounds are donkey-like voices braying bewilderedly ‘Nine nil. N-n-n-n-nine nil. Ee-aw! Nine nil. N-n-n-n-nine nil. Ee-aw! And when the Palace players got home, obviously in need of moral support and counselling following their torrid n-n-n-n-nine nil experience, none of them received a hero’s welcome. None of them. None of them received a hero’s welcome. N-n-n-n-none of them. The long term effects of such an unbelievable n-n-n-n-nine nil annihilation are hard to predict, but it seems likely that many of the Crystal Palace squad may have been be so demoralised that they may have been forced to leave professional football and sign on. S-s-s-s-sign on. Sign on. S-s-s-s-sign on. S-s-s-s-sign on, sign on. S-s-s-s-sign on, sign on. A worse fate even than this may well have befallen the Palace goalkeeper Perry Suckling, a man who, rather like the Queen Mother, wore gloves for no apparent reason, for his intense feelings of humiliation may well have led him to emigrate, and sign on in Vietnam. V-v-v-v-Vietnam. S-s-s-s-sign on. V-v-v-v-Vietnam. S-s-s-s-sign on...........
(repeat ad nauseam)
 






crasher

New member
Jul 8, 2003
2,764
Sussex
Palace fan gets mugged by two snails.

he goes to the police station and a cop says "Could you identify them if you saw them again?"

Palace fan: "I don't know officer, it all happened so fast."

I thank you.
 




Bwian

Kiss my (_!_)
Jul 14, 2003
15,898
What do you call a gangster who likes pulling up the back of peoples pants?

Wedgie Kray:shootself
 




Brady's Old Lady

New member
Jul 21, 2003
322
Brighton
I said to my gym instructor "can you teach me to do the splits" - she said "how flexible are you" - I said " I can't do tuesdays!!"

This dyslexic walks into a bra

Another dyslexic goes to a toga party dressed as a goat
 


Fridge Man

New member
Aug 31, 2003
120
Burgess Hill
jokes galore

other than obviously dwaynes hair here are some funny jokes...

a man walks into a pub with a piece of tarmac on his shoulder he says to the barman 'ill have a pint of beer and one for the road'

Where did mathew kelly go on holiday?
He went to Tampa with the kids!

what do you call two irish gays?
Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald

ask if you want more quality jokes...
 


JJ McClure

Go Jags
Jul 7, 2003
10,899
Hassocks
What's Brown and Sticky?




A stick.
 






Brovion

Well-known member
NSC Patron
Jul 6, 2003
19,482
A man walks into a railway station.
Man: "I'd like a Return ticket please."
Booking Clerk: "A return to where?"
Man: "Back here of course!"
 


Brady's Old Lady

New member
Jul 21, 2003
322
Brighton
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says,
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist.
You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on..."
 




Vinyl Richie

New member
Jul 30, 2003
2,199
Polling North Standers
Thought of the day: Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties.

Its not big and its not clever.
 


REDLAND

Active member
Jul 7, 2003
9,443
At the foot of the downs
a man goes to the opticians, complaining of blurry eyesight.

Optician: "What do you see in this office?"

Man: "Let's see, a 19 inch monitor, a three-button mouse, a multi-media keyboard, an A4 scanner, and a zip drive".

Optician: "Hmmm, well there's nothing wrong with your peripheral vision!"
 


JEM

New member
Jul 5, 2003
686
Bevendean
I used to be a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac.

I'd lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.


(actually that's a pretty good one... )
 




REDLAND

Active member
Jul 7, 2003
9,443
At the foot of the downs
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face...
"What are you so happy about?", asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went to her aid, cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno. Never found the head."
 


Marc

New member
Jul 6, 2003
25,267
What do you get with a BMX in your pants?








SKIDS!






taxi!
 


Jul 5, 2003
12,644
Chertsey
how to impress a woman:

kiss her
hug her
compliment her
love her
protect her
listen to her
support her...

how to impress a man
.

.

.

.

.

show up naked with beer
 






Mr Popkins

New member
Jul 8, 2003
1,458
LIVING IN SIN
what do you call a soul singing biscuit?

Lionel Rich tea,....



now thats bad!
 


Rougvie

Rising Damp
Aug 29, 2003
5,131
Hove, f***ing ACTUALLY.
Did you hear the one about the magic tractor ??

It was driving down the road when it turned into a field !!

:lolol: :lolol: :lolol:
 


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