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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
JJ McClure
Go Jags
Quality 
jimmy hill's chin
New member
- Jul 5, 2003
- 230
An assembly line worker became increasingly obsessed with his desire to stick his penis into a pickle slicer. Finally, worried that he'd be unable to contain the desire, he sought the advice of a psychiatrist.
"You know, I had a case not unlike this one a few months ago," said Dr. Bernstein, thoughtfully rubbing his beard, "a man who kept wanting to put his hand on a hot stove."
"So what happened?" asked the factory worker.
"He went ahead and did it," confessed the doctor, "and he burned himself but he never had the desire again. So my advice is to go ahead and do it in order to free yourself of the obsession."
"Okay, Dr. Bernstein."
At his next appointment the doctor asked what had happened.
"I took your advice," said the man, "and stuck my penis into the pickle slicer."
"So then what happened?" asked the psychiatrist, leaning forward eagerly.
"We both got fired!"
"You know, I had a case not unlike this one a few months ago," said Dr. Bernstein, thoughtfully rubbing his beard, "a man who kept wanting to put his hand on a hot stove."
"So what happened?" asked the factory worker.
"He went ahead and did it," confessed the doctor, "and he burned himself but he never had the desire again. So my advice is to go ahead and do it in order to free yourself of the obsession."
"Okay, Dr. Bernstein."
At his next appointment the doctor asked what had happened.
"I took your advice," said the man, "and stuck my penis into the pickle slicer."
"So then what happened?" asked the psychiatrist, leaning forward eagerly.
"We both got fired!"
Robbo
New member
Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls,
began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of
his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and
said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for
you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United
Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess
Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I
shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios
and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get
for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy,
I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football
Club.
began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of
his wives finally presented him with a son and heir.
Just before his son's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and
said, "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for
you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane."
Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United
Airlines.
Just before his son's seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side.
"Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like a boat."
Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess
Cruise Lines.
Just before his son's eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side.
"Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I
shall get for you."
His son replied, "Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons."
Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios
and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons.
Just before his son's ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side.
"Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get
for you."
His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, "Daddy,
I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit."
Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football
Club.
Beeneys gloves
New member
- Jul 7, 2003
- 1,467
Hambush - quality
Pickle slicer, very very very old but funny the first time round
Pickle slicer, very very very old but funny the first time round
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #66
A man decides that on his son's eighteenth birthday that he will introduce him to the joys of sex, and decides that he will pay a prostitute to sleep with him.
The son is obviously excited about the idea but he tells his dad that he is nervous because of his lack of experience.
"don't worry" says his dad "I will hide in the wardrobe, you can turn off the lights so I can't see, and if you have any problems just shout out and I will reply what to do"
So the next night the dad hides in the wardrobe and the son leads the prostitute into the room turning off the lights as he enters. He goes into the bathroom to put on a condom leaving the prostitute on the bed.
Suddenly the prostitute gets huge cramps and has to go immediately, she reaches around and finds a shoebox next to the bed,then has a huge dump into it .
Soon after the young boy comes back into the dark room and stands in the box.
He shouts out " Theres shit in the box. Theres shit in the box"
A reply comes from the wardrobe "Then turn her over"
The son is obviously excited about the idea but he tells his dad that he is nervous because of his lack of experience.
"don't worry" says his dad "I will hide in the wardrobe, you can turn off the lights so I can't see, and if you have any problems just shout out and I will reply what to do"
So the next night the dad hides in the wardrobe and the son leads the prostitute into the room turning off the lights as he enters. He goes into the bathroom to put on a condom leaving the prostitute on the bed.
Suddenly the prostitute gets huge cramps and has to go immediately, she reaches around and finds a shoebox next to the bed,then has a huge dump into it .
Soon after the young boy comes back into the dark room and stands in the box.
He shouts out " Theres shit in the box. Theres shit in the box"
A reply comes from the wardrobe "Then turn her over"
bob monkhouse
Hmmmm........
- Thread starter
- #67
A woman sees a sign in the pet shop window saying
CLITORIS LICKING FROG FOR HIRE.
so she goes inside to enquire and the man behind the counter says "BONJOUR"
CLITORIS LICKING FROG FOR HIRE.
so she goes inside to enquire and the man behind the counter says "BONJOUR"
An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"One nil."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Goal, one all!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Goal, two one!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Goal, two all!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a another and says - "Another goal, three two!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he sh*ts the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Goal, one all!" After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Goal, two one!"
Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Goal, two all!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a another and says - "Another goal, three two!"
Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he sh*ts the bed.
The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"
jimmy hill's chin
New member
- Jul 5, 2003
- 230
Larry La Prise who wrote The Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the f#cking trouble started
tedebear
Legal Alien
zefarelly said:Larry La Prise who wrote The Hokey Cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the f#cking trouble started
he he he
my kind of jokeRaphael Meade
Well-known member
quality 
coach03
Member
Two French Foreign Legionnaires out in the desert get separated from their unit when a blinding sandstorm kicks in.
When the storm passes they realise they are hopelessly lost and will have to trek to see if they can find their base.
After several days without water they are on their last legs, when they suddenly see a camp full of brightly coloured tents in the distance.
This gives them the encouragement to crawl to the camp. As they approach the first tent, the Legionnaire explains ' We were separated from our unit in a terrible sandstorm and haven't had water for days. Please can you give us some water'.
And the guy in the tent says ' I have no water. But I do have Strawberry Jelly, cream, sponge and fruit'
So the Legionnaires make their excuses and move to the next tent.
'Please, we haven't had a drink for days, can you give us some water?' But they are met with a similar response.
'Sorry gentlemen, no water. Only this lime jelly, cream, dried fruit and sponge'
So our intrepid two go to the next tent where they discover
' Only mock cream, fruit, orange jelly and some sponge, but no water' the guy says.
And so they move through the tents to the fourth and fifth tents until they have been to all the tents in the camp.
None have any water and so they are forced to continue their search.
As they crawl up the dunes they look back at the camp and the first Legionnaire says
"All those tents and not one had any water. That was odd"
And the second Legionnaire says
"It was a Trifle Bazaar !"
When the storm passes they realise they are hopelessly lost and will have to trek to see if they can find their base.
After several days without water they are on their last legs, when they suddenly see a camp full of brightly coloured tents in the distance.
This gives them the encouragement to crawl to the camp. As they approach the first tent, the Legionnaire explains ' We were separated from our unit in a terrible sandstorm and haven't had water for days. Please can you give us some water'.
And the guy in the tent says ' I have no water. But I do have Strawberry Jelly, cream, sponge and fruit'
So the Legionnaires make their excuses and move to the next tent.
'Please, we haven't had a drink for days, can you give us some water?' But they are met with a similar response.
'Sorry gentlemen, no water. Only this lime jelly, cream, dried fruit and sponge'
So our intrepid two go to the next tent where they discover
' Only mock cream, fruit, orange jelly and some sponge, but no water' the guy says.
And so they move through the tents to the fourth and fifth tents until they have been to all the tents in the camp.
None have any water and so they are forced to continue their search.
As they crawl up the dunes they look back at the camp and the first Legionnaire says
"All those tents and not one had any water. That was odd"
And the second Legionnaire says
"It was a Trifle Bazaar !"
chez
Johnny Byrne-The Greatest
> Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to
> which his Dad keeps saying "No".
> After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
> Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love,
> Juice?"
> Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked,
> proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits
> on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've
> been watching then Son?"
>
> Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
> which his Dad keeps saying "No".
> After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".
> Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love,
> Juice?"
> Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked,
> proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits
> on sofa with his mouth open in amazement. Dad asks, "So, what is it you've
> been watching then Son?"
>
> Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
CAFC Matt
New member
A wife was driving home on motorway when she gets a call from her husband. He says 'take care on your way home love, there is a mad person driving alog the wrong side of the motorway'. She instantly replies 'I know, there are hundreds of them'.
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bisop decided he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he wanted to apply for the job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms"
"No matter", said the man. "Observe!". He then began striking the bells with his head, producing a beautiful melody.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suudenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to him. When he reached the street a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn to the area by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"...........but his face rings a bell"
The bisop decided he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he wanted to apply for the job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms"
"No matter", said the man. "Observe!". He then began striking the bells with his head, producing a beautiful melody.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suudenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to him. When he reached the street a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn to the area by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"...........but his face rings a bell"
Stumpy Tim
Well-known member
jasonkt31 said:After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bisop decided he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he wanted to apply for the job.
The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms"
"No matter", said the man. "Observe!". He then began striking the bells with his head, producing a beautiful melody.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suudenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to him. When he reached the street a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn to the area by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
"Bishop, who was this man?".
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied,
"...........but his face rings a bell"
The next day, his brother turned up - and he also had no arms. The bishop immediately gave him the job to replace his own brother. Unfortunately, the exact thing happened & he also fell to hid death. A man said to the bishop, "you must have got this mans name?!"
"Afraid not," the Bishop replied
"But he's a dead ringer for his brother"
larus
Well-known member
Joke...
It's Little Johnies birthday. He goes downstairs for breakfast and his dad asks him what he wants to do.
"Can we go to the Zoo please Dad".
"I thought Mum took you there last week".
"She did, but we only got halfway round and it started raining".
"Ok".
So, off they go, and they start going though seeing all the Lions, Tigers, etc, when they come to the elephants.
"Dad, Dad, what's that big thing there, on that Elephant".
"Oh, that's his trunk son".
"No, not that, the other end".
"Oh, that's his tail".
"No, not that, the other thing in the middle".
"Did you ask your Mum?"
"Yes".
"What did she say?"
"Oh, she said it was nothing".
"Son, that's the trouble with your Mum, she's been spoilt".
It's Little Johnies birthday. He goes downstairs for breakfast and his dad asks him what he wants to do.
"Can we go to the Zoo please Dad".
"I thought Mum took you there last week".
"She did, but we only got halfway round and it started raining".
"Ok".
So, off they go, and they start going though seeing all the Lions, Tigers, etc, when they come to the elephants.
"Dad, Dad, what's that big thing there, on that Elephant".
"Oh, that's his trunk son".
"No, not that, the other end".
"Oh, that's his tail".
"No, not that, the other thing in the middle".
"Did you ask your Mum?"
"Yes".
"What did she say?"
"Oh, she said it was nothing".
"Son, that's the trouble with your Mum, she's been spoilt".
