Marshy
Well-known member
Q. Whats a Shitsu ?
A. Its a dog.
Reply NO its a Zoo with no animals in it.....
A. Its a dog.
Reply NO its a Zoo with no animals in it.....
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A Thread full of Joke du Jours
- Thread starter bob monkhouse
- Start date
Icy Gull
Back on the rollercoaster
- Jul 5, 2003
- 72,015
Very good joke du jour
I thought so anyway
A woman is very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Ok now craw reery, reery fass back to me" So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
I thought so anyway
A woman is very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, so she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Ok, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."The woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "Ok now craw reery, reery fass back to me" So she did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why not haf sex or dates."
Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary disease?"
Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eye and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."
Braders
Abi Fletchers Gimpboy
Old but good - a bit like:
A bloke at the checkout in the supermarket who empties his shopping basket, ready to pay. He has bought: one apple, one pint of milk, one mullers fruit corner, and one diet meal for one.
The checkout girl says: "You're single aren't you?"
He replies, "Yes! how did you guess??"
.
.
"Because you're f***ing ugly"
A bloke at the checkout in the supermarket who empties his shopping basket, ready to pay. He has bought: one apple, one pint of milk, one mullers fruit corner, and one diet meal for one.
The checkout girl says: "You're single aren't you?"
He replies, "Yes! how did you guess??"
.
.
"Because you're f***ing ugly"
Whats the difference between a JCB and a giraffe?
Ones got hydraulics and the other has high bollocks
Ones got hydraulics and the other has high bollocks
Simster said:Old but good - a bit like:
A bloke at the checkout in the supermarket who empties his shopping basket, ready to pay. He has bought: one apple, one pint of milk, one mullers fruit corner, and one diet meal for one.
The checkout girl says: "You're single aren't you?"
He replies, "Yes! how did you guess??"
.
.
"Because you're f***ing ugly"
hahaha very funny!
Nobb Holder
New member
A bloke keeps ringing me and singing Stand And Deliver down the line.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.
I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he's adamant.
Reading Posh
Sophisticated rhetorician
Ever wondered why moths don't navigate ships?
LIGHTHOUSE!!!
LIGHTHOUSE!!!
Beach Hut
Brighton Bhuna Boy
Joke Du Jour
Someone sent me this today, very funny but it may have been a thread b4 - apologies if that is the case:
Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Someone sent me this today, very funny but it may have been a thread b4 - apologies if that is the case:
Gerard Houllier sends scouts out round the World looking for a new striker to replace Emile Heskey and hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. So Gerard flies to Iraq to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.
Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at home to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. Houllier gives the young Iraqi striker the nod to go on and he takes off Emile Heskey.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When he comes off the pitch he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
"Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say Mum, but I'm so sorry". "Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your bloody fault that we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
Juan Albion
Chicken Sniffer 3rd Class
Been done, yeah. But still a good 'un.
coach03
Member
Anyway, this guy goes to North America on his holidays and visits a native north American who is billed as the world's greatest memory man. "He will answer ANY question" boasts the poster outside his tent.
So the guy goes in and says " Charlton vs QPR, 1976. Where was the game played?"
So the memory man goes "That's easy, it was played at The Valley." so the tourist asks "And what was the crowd?"
The memory man thinks and says "Nine thousand three hundred and fifty four."
"That's amazing." says the tourist. " OK, what was the score and who scored?" The answer comes back as quick as a flash "1 - 0, Mick Flanagan !"
Suitably impressed, the vistor returns to the UK and tells all his mates down the pub about the memory man.
Anyway, 10 years later the same tourist is back in the States visiting with his wife, his mate and his mate's wife. He persuades his mate to go with him to see if the memory man is still plying his trade and, sure enough he is.
The guy persuades his mate to come with him into the tent to see for himself the man's tremendous prowess.
In the traditional greeting, the guy holds up his hand and says "How" and the memory man replies:>
>
>
>
>
>
>>
"Diving Header !"
So the guy goes in and says " Charlton vs QPR, 1976. Where was the game played?"
So the memory man goes "That's easy, it was played at The Valley." so the tourist asks "And what was the crowd?"
The memory man thinks and says "Nine thousand three hundred and fifty four."
"That's amazing." says the tourist. " OK, what was the score and who scored?" The answer comes back as quick as a flash "1 - 0, Mick Flanagan !"
Suitably impressed, the vistor returns to the UK and tells all his mates down the pub about the memory man.
Anyway, 10 years later the same tourist is back in the States visiting with his wife, his mate and his mate's wife. He persuades his mate to go with him to see if the memory man is still plying his trade and, sure enough he is.
The guy persuades his mate to come with him into the tent to see for himself the man's tremendous prowess.
In the traditional greeting, the guy holds up his hand and says "How" and the memory man replies:>
>
>
>
>
>
>>
"Diving Header !"
chez
Johnny Byrne-The Greatest
LOL, took me a second though!!!!!!!!!! DURR..
Beach Hut
Brighton Bhuna Boy
My time of humour - brilliant
coach03
Member
Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.
'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few >problems at home.'
'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? posh & the kids ok?'
'Oh, there fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm >losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and >it's really messing me head up.'
'Whatever's the matter?' says fergie
'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'
'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing like that because of a >jigsaw?'
'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'
'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'
'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.'
'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.
'Thanks boss.' says David.
So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office.
'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..'
Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk.
Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham...........
'Put the Frosties back in the box David'.............
'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.'
'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few >problems at home.'
'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? posh & the kids ok?'
'Oh, there fine, it's just that something is really bugging me and I'm >losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and >it's really messing me head up.'
'Whatever's the matter?' says fergie
'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'
'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing like that because of a >jigsaw?'
'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'
'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'
'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and i'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.'
'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.
'Thanks boss.' says David.
So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office.
'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everything but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..'
Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk.
Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham...........
'Put the Frosties back in the box David'.............
midlandseagull
New member
coach03 said:Anyway, this guy goes to North America on his holidays and visits a native north American who is billed as the world's greatest memory man. "He will answer ANY question" boasts the poster outside his tent.
So the guy goes in and says " Charlton vs QPR, 1976. Where was the game played?"
So the memory man goes "That's easy, it was played at The Valley." so the tourist asks "And what was the crowd?"
The memory man thinks and says "Nine thousand three hundred and fifty four."
"That's amazing." says the tourist. " OK, what was the score and who scored?" The answer comes back as quick as a flash "1 - 0, Mick Flanagan !"
Suitably impressed, the vistor returns to the UK and tells all his mates down the pub about the memory man.
Anyway, 10 years later the same tourist is back in the States visiting with his wife, his mate and his mate's wife. He persuades his mate to go with him to see if the memory man is still plying his trade and, sure enough he is.
The guy persuades his mate to come with him into the tent to see for himself the man's tremendous prowess.
In the traditional greeting, the guy holds up his hand and says "How" and the memory man replies:>
>
>
>
>
>
>>
"Diving Header !"
swear I heard it ten years ago but very funny
coach03
Member
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all suffer
> from a severe stutter.
> "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
> "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the
> Englishman.
> Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui
> gui................."
> Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th
> th.................."
> "Oh bug ger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve
> someone else.
> She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
> "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
> "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
> And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
> th...........".
> "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you
> can
> answer a question without stuttering I'll let you sh ag me!"
> Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
> "Where
> do you live?"
> "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
> "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady.
> Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not
> to laugh.
> "E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
> "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.
> "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
> "London" blurts out the Irishman.
> "Oh. Bug ger!" says the landlady.
> A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by
> the hand and leads him upstairs.
> Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
> exposing a voluptous b osom. Finally she slides off her p anties then climbs
> into bed. Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and
> then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "...............- D D D D D Derry!!"
>
> from a severe stutter.
> "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly beautiful landlady.
> "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi.................." says the
> Englishman.
> Up steps the Irishman. "Threeee p pints of of of of gui gui gui
> gui................."
> Then the Scotsman tries."Th th th thth th th th th th th th th
> th.................."
> "Oh bug ger this!" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve
> someone else.
> She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
> "Th th th th th th three pi pi pi pi pi", stutters the Englishman.
> "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
> And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th th
> th...........".
> "Look" says the beautiful landlady, who loves a bet, "If any one of you
> can
> answer a question without stuttering I'll let you sh ag me!"
> Quite confident that no one will win, she turns to the Englishman.
> "Where
> do you live?"
> "M M M M M M M Man Man Man Man Manch Manch Manch."
> "No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady.
> Turning to the Scotsman, she asks, "Where do you live Scotty?", trying not
> to laugh.
> "E E E E EEd Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
> "Sorry, you lose." says the gorgeous woman.
> "And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
> "London" blurts out the Irishman.
> "Oh. Bug ger!" says the landlady.
> A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by
> the hand and leads him upstairs.
> Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra
> exposing a voluptous b osom. Finally she slides off her p anties then climbs
> into bed. Paddy with concentration climbs aboard and goes for glory, and
> then, right at the climaxing stroke, he suddenly screams out....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "...............- D D D D D Derry!!"
>
simon swagbag
Member
larus
Well-known member
Joke du jour
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Paco" says the first bloke (Pedro), "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Paco.
So Paco goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food but as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Paco, "Paco!! Paco!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Paco calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a bacon tree, ees... a.... ham bush!!"
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door.
As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon.
There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Paco" says the first bloke (Pedro), "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Paco.
So Paco goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food but as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Paco, "Paco!! Paco!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Paco calls out.... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a bacon tree, ees... a.... ham bush!!"
